Sola Scriptura, Literal Translationalist, KJV Only oopsie

 John 14:2a In my Father's house there are many mansions.

This was a prime verse for memorization for us young evangelicals. I remember memorizing it, quoting it back to my teachers, and listening to lessons about how cool it is that Jesus is preparing us each our individual mansions in heaven!  Yes, we believed that Jesus was literally giving each and every one of us saved people our very own mansion in heaven.  

As a child I was perplexed by this, but didn't speak my questioning out loud because we HAD to believe the Bible literally (unless a pastor or authority declared it figurative, like the institution of the Eucharist as the literal body, blood, soul, and divinity of Christ).  First of all, I didn't want a huge mansion.  I sweet, little Cotswolds-style cottage with a garden would suffice for me.  Other kids who voiced not wanting a mansion were told that Jesus knew better than ourselves what we wanted, so we're getting a mansion.  I also wondered why we needed mansions in a place where we wouldn't have need for shelter from the rain and cold or a place to sleep or raise a family, etc.  

The other day I was listening to EWTN and the person on the radio quoted this Bible verse, but used the word rooms instead of mansions.  Suddenly, the verse made sense and I didn't feel perplexed and put off.  I also realized how the translation of mansions doesn't even make sense.  Why would a house have mansions inside?  A house has rooms.  It doesn't contain other houses.  

I am pleased to see other translations are using room.  I wonder why some decided that mansions would be their chosen word?

Unofficially Catholic?

One of my biggest struggles in looking into Catholicism is wanting to be right.  I don't know if it's just my personality, or the ingrained systemic belief system of the Evangelical church to be right and proclaim it (or perhaps a bit of both), but as soon as I could refute the lies I was told about Catholicism, I started arguing about Catholicism.  However, if I couldn't get them to at least stop and go, "hmmm" I got very emotionally distraught.  

Without the ability to even get my family to consider, to see, to think, to understand, even if they didn't wind up agreeing, I felt lost to coming Home to Rome.  It is very difficult to not have their blessing or understanding, but it is so much more difficult to have their heated dissent about it.

Therefore, during the Covid lockdown, I quit RCIA and stepped away from the Church completely for a time.  The Lord continued to work on me, though, and I realized some of these wrongful ways of thinking I had.  I really explored my initial walk back into Holy Mother Church, and my walk away.

Now, I'm walking back in very differently from when I walked out.  I'm being very quiet and very peaceful.  I noticed it just this morning.  I was scrolling through Facebook and saw a Catholic article about Our Lady.  In the comments I saw an Evangelical family member had typed: "Mary can't hear or answer our prayers."  Now, old me would have gotten very upset.  My heart would have started racing and I would have begun and argument with this family member.  I would have gotten very frustrated at my inability to change her mind.  I would have even felt twinges of doubt.  

Instead, I felt a sense of peace and faith.  I simply said a Hail, Mary, and kept scrolling.  That surprised even me and I rejoiced in the peace!  

Somehow, I feel like that makes me "unofficially Catholic."  (I am Catholic because I was baptized Catholic, but I'm not fully in the Church.)  So many Catholics I meet have approached reproach similarly.  They smile and stand firm and steadfast in their beliefs. Catholics are used to be attacked for their beliefs by Evangelicals, and they know it is most often futile to argue with people who have no intention of listening.  It is a beautiful thing to simply be at peace and move on.

Isaiah 1 and Catholicism

 This morning I read Isaiah 1 in a KJV Bible.  I particularly paid attention to the words of God revealed to Isaiah.  As I read the chapter, I thought about what was being revealed to me through both my evangelical and Catholic glasses.  

"I have nourished and brought up children, and they have rebelled against me.  The ox knoweth his owner, and the ass his master's crib:  but Israel doth not know, my people doth not consider."  vs 2 and 3

The Lord placed me in a Christian family and yet I don't quite know where or who He is.  From which crib do I find my nourishment?  How do I know the crib I approach is the crib that is filled by my Master?  

This has been my dilemma for several years, now.  I struggle with denominationalism and dogmatic disagreements.  Who is right?  Which church is the one true church, the church Christ established and wants all His people to be a part of?  

I contemplated God's words.  The ox knows his owner, the ass his master's crib.  

The master, the owner fills his own crib.  I know who God is.  I know who Jesus is.  I have that fundamental foundation, but, for some reason, I can't look up and find Him, then look down to see which crib He is filling.  I am confused there.  

So, I contemplated the crib.  Crib has two meanings:  a place to feed the animals and a place to lay a baby.  What is that?  A manger!  Therefore, at the crib of my Master I will find Jesus.  

Honestly, that doesn't really narrow it down in the protestant understanding.  They all claim to have Jesus.  The Catholic Church, though really does claim to have Jesus.  Not only that, the entire rubric of the Mass is Christ-focused in such a profound and complete way.  It's like all those stories, chapters, and verses of the Bible I learned and poured over in my protestant tradition has been put to practice and acted up on in the Catholic Church.

But, that reasoning didn't convince me.  

It was a further thought that came to mind.  The crib, the manger holds Jesus.  The ass knows his master's crib.  Jesus wasn't just held by the manger, though.  He didn't just lie there as a baby until he got up and started adolescence.  He was held by Mary and Joseph!  Mary and Joseph, are His crib, too!

What church knows the crib of their master?  The Catholic Church.  Through them we find our Master.  We, the lowly ass come to our crib (Mary) and find our bread (Jesus) that the Master poured out for us.  That's how I know which crib to go to.  

Protestants would say the crib is the church, and they aren't entirely wrong, but because that is something they all claim, I needed something more specific.  The analogy of Mary, the link to Mary is what really narrows it down.  

That isn't where it ended, though.  Verses 11-20 offered more insight and contemplation.  In protestant, particularly evangelical tradition, these verses are quoted to "prove" that the Catholic Church's practices are wrong and God doesn't like them.  But, as I read I didn't see where God doesn't like them in and of themselves, but rather God doesn't like them done unworthily or vainly.  

God says to, "Wash you, make you clean; put away the evil of your doings from before mine eyes; cease to do evil; learn to do well; seek judgement, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, please for the widow."

As I read this, I thought of my evangelical upbringing.  This verse is often skipped and instead verse 18 is quoted.  We like the part that directly benefits us in the evangelical world.  What we ignore beforehand is the call to action, particularly washing, making clean, and SEEKING JUDGEMENT.  

To me, this isn't just saying "the sinner's prayer."  This is about repentance, confession, and reconciliation.  Seek judgement?  From whom?

Reading on, God says "and I will restore they judges as at the first, and they counselors as at the beginning;  Afterward tho shalt be called The City of Righteousness, the Faithful City."  

Who are our judges and our counselors?  From whom do we seek judgement?  Well, it makes sense that one seeks it from those appointed by God to judge and counsel.  Who does God appoint?  Well, Jesus appoints Simon Peter and the succession of apostles.  

Even if you don't come to a Catholic conclusion, you have to admit that more is expected of us as Christians than just saying a prayer and feeling good about it, then finding a church that suits you.  

Furthermore, going back to verse 20 it says "but if ye refuse and rebel, ye shall be devoured with the sword."  What does a sword do?  It pierces, it cuts, it splits, it divides, it hurts, it wounds, it kills.  I think of how much denominationalism has pierced, cut, split, divided, hurt, wounded, and even killed Christianity for many.  

 I have no doubt that the majority of people in Protestantism practice in love, honesty, and sincerity.  They want to obey and serve the Lord.   But that doesn't mean that the great divide hasn't done harm, because it has.  

If Catholicism itself doesn't bring me into the Catholic Church, the great divide of the Protestant church will by default.  The Catholic Church stands alone as a pillar of faith, whereas the Protestant church stands a great multitude squabbling, creating chaos, and making noise; each one is saying they are the true church, the right church, the one that interprets the Bible correctly, etc.

Like Israel rebelling against the judges, trying to go their own way, in their own directions, pleasures, and interpretations, saying what has been laid out for them by God wasn't how it ought to be, the Protestant Church has been cut up.  

Hyper-Eroticism and Purity Culture

  

Berthold Woltze (1829–1896), Der lästige Kavalier (The Annoying Bloke) (1874), oil on canvas, 75 x 57 cm, Private collection. Wikimedia Commons.

Purity culture and evangelical modesty policing are the symptom and cause of hyper-eroticism.  One either comes into this cult-like thinking because they are hyper-sexual and want to live in an environment to control it without recognizing its abnormality, or this culture creates hyper-awareness of sexuality in benign sources, creating hyper-eroticism.

Hyper-eroticism is when someone is easily aroused by stimuli that isn't generally or typically meant to be arousing.

Examples abound with in the culture.  Just this past week on Twitter, Pastor Brian Sauve wrote about how women shouldn't post pictures of themselves post-birth holding their newborn because it is erotic.  That's not normal!  That's a prime example of hyper-eroticism.  A mother holding a newborn baby isn't eroticism, isn't sexual, and she and baby certainly are NOT inviting you into their sexuality, nor consenting to be sexualized!

Though I don't remember the source (might have been Pearls, it has been brought to my attention that it was probably in Created to Be His Helpmeet) I remember reading a story within fundamentalist purity culture when a new mom (seems to typically be moms of babies or under-aged girls they go after) was back in church with her baby, her post-partum baby weight, and her skirt now fitting more tightly around her hips and backside.  The story goes that this new mom was sitting in a pew ahead of this narrating parents and their teen son.  They noticed the son was fixated on new mom's body, and when new mom bent over to pick up her child and the fabric of her skirt pulled more tightly over her body, the teen boy had an ejaculation in his pants.  Of course, the story goes that the new mom, and moms the world over, are sinful and at fault for causing boys to orgasm in church.  THIS IS NOT NORMAL!  This is a boy who has grown up in a hyper-erotic culture, a boy trained to view even the most benign things as sexual.  He has been trained to see sex everywhere rather than seeing people and life and normalcy and science.  I have a teenage son!  This nonsense doesn't even cross his mind!  

When I was found breastfeeding in church not just covered but shrouded in a blanket from chin to toes, I was hyper-sexualized and admonished simply because men knowing that I'm "doing THAT under there" was enough to cause them to have sexual thoughts.  That's not normal!!!  That's hyper-eroticism.

Stories abound online and all over social media, and are revealed in examples and admonitions given by the very proponents of purity culture and evangelical modesty policing.  Even infant girls are policed on modesty!  Girls entering puberty are particularly targeted.  Even modesty is hyper-sexualized with women sharing stories of being sexually harassed for wearing headcoverings in church and dressing in modest dresses.  Then, there's the whole "modest is hottest" trope.  

In my own experiences in purity culture, I became aware that what was no big deal with others not brought up in this sex-cult-like line of thinking was a huge deal to me!  For example, I noticed if I was watching a movie with my husband and a quick nude or sex scene occurred, I would hyper-focus on that, remember it, dwell on it, and it would ruin the movie.  My husband, on the other hand, wouldn't even remember it.  He might say a couple years later, "hey, let's watch this movie, again!" and I'd say, "no!  It's got that sex scene in it!"  He'd look surprised and say, "It does?  I don't remember!  The movie is about..." and he'd go on the describe the whole movie whereas I could only describe the sex scene.  

Is it any wonder porn use and porn addiction is rampant in this culture?  When everything is pornographic to them, and when they can't view women as people and bodies as human bodies, they're going to have major problems.  It "amps up" their responses to the stimuli similar to how a sexual deviant needs more sick, twisted, graphic, and abusive material to "get off."  

Men, in particular, who buy into this cult-like mentality will often say or feel that they are facing a constant bombardment of sexual assault.  However, the opposite is true.  They are constantly sexually assaulting innocent victims with their hyper-eroticism, which sexualizes others, without their consent, over their non-sexual, non-erotic being.  A mother sharing that beautiful moment when her newborn in placed on her chest is NOT BEING SEXUAL.  To even suggest that it is is to sexually assault her and the baby.  She's not inviting you to her and her baby's sexuality.  You have no business even inferring that what she is sharing is sexual. 

Listen, we can easily tell when someone is being sexual.  For example, the nudity in Amistad is obviously not meant to be sexual.  The actors' being nude portrays the horrific and dehumanizing reality of the slave trade.  It isn't meant for you to sexually consume their body parts.  However, I think we can all agree that the sex and nudity in, say 50 Shades of Gray was certainly an invitation for people to enjoy it sexually, get aroused, etc. 

This purity culture hyper-eroticism is a form of unhealthy sexuality.  It needs therapy.  It needs healing.  Get help!!

I Was Scared of Confession

 Another reason I haven't come fully into the Catholic Church is that I am (was?) scared of confession.  I have never been to confession and the thought of laying out all my dirty laundry was frightening and distasteful.  I don't want to remember all my sins.  I've swept them under the "Jesus has already forgiven me" rug and they can stay there.  

It's an excuse.

It's using an evangelical trope to feel justified in another crossing of my arms and digging in my heels.

The real reason I don't want to go to confession is that I like for people to see me as not so flawed.  I mean, people know I sin because we all sin, but they don't need to know the details.  I've enjoyed the high status of "good girl" my whole life!  The very idea of telling a priest, especially a priest I wish to impress with my "good girlness," feels icky.  He's going to see me for who I am!  He's going to know I'm a blob of ick.  He's going to see right through my facade!  

The other day I was scrolling through facebook and I saw an open letter written by a priest in my local diocese.  It was a humble and beautiful thank you note to the diocese and parishoners for the outpouring of love and support as he gets help for an addiction he has.  It blew me away.  Here was a priest with dirty laundry, serious dirty laundry that's being aired out for everyone to know about.  He's confessed it and is seeking professional help and healing, and people are pouring out a flood, an absolute deluge of love, goodwill, cheer, celebration of his confession and ongoing recovery, and support.  

I realized something.  When you walk into and then out of the confessional in the Catholic Church, you are loved.  It is a celebration.

Confessing sins in an evangelical church is dangerous business.  There's outward talk of love and forgiveness, but I have seen the ugly underneath it all.  People are right to hold onto the "I only need to confess to Jesus" trope because it is too unsafe in many cases to be truthful before your fellow congregants.  Even pastors are not trained or catechized to handle confessions of sins.  

Now, I am actually feeling eager to get to confession.  I'm not sure when or how.  We currently have 1 priest for 4 churches in my local area, so he is unfortunately extremely busy.  I may ask if I can do my first confession with the priest of the next parish over.  He is "only" covering 2 churches and may have more time to spare on a lengthy confession.

A Very Embarrassing and TMI Reason I Haven't Become Catholic, Yet

 This is going to be R-rated and TMI.  Just putting it out there.  Skip this if you must.  

I crossed my arms on this one.  I crossed them firmly and declared the Church to be unrealistic, legalistic, and dooming us to failure.  I reasoned that it was no different than rubbing a kink out of your neck.  Touching your own body and experiencing a natural, physical response can't be sinful.  It harms no one.  It feels good to rub my sore feet after a long day.  It brings me pleasure.  What difference does it make if I shift that pleasurable feeling to a different part of my body?  

Besides, no way was I going to tell a strange man (a priest) that I like to self-pleasure (and had no intention of stopping).  

It was unfair.  I tried to stop, before, but my body would respond with a cry for attention, usually at the most inopportune times, like trying to fall asleep.  A quick, pleasurable bit of attention to the hormonal surge would relax me and I'd fall asleep.  How was that sinful?

I could not wrap my head around Catholic teachings on this matter.  

Therefore, I decided to start talking it out with Jesus in prayer.  

In the prayer I (or the Holy Spirit's prompt) asked myself why I self-pleasure and why I want to continue.

My answer was that I feel desirable.  It's been very important to me throughout my life to feel desirable and be desired in a way that completely takes care of me.  That I hold value and worth where someone would want to give so freely to me.  It then dawned on me (or was revealed to me by the Holy Spirit) that Christ desires me.  I am desirable to Him!  He loves me and wants me completely, and the pleasure and intimacy of sexual union (meant for within marriage between spouses)  mirrors the even greater pleasure and intimacy of our relationship with Him through Worship.  

The opposite of masturbation isn't no masturbation.  It is worship.  

I do believe I can learn to transfer that natural hormonal "call" to spiritual fulfillment.  It's going to take serious discipline and practice, but I want to put it all in its proper place.  A part of me still feels entitled to my own body, but I must remember that in being entitled, I am demanding the corrupt and rotting in place of the eternal and glorious.  I must remember that as remarkably pleasurable as an orgasm is, nothing compares to the pure joy and spiritual ecstasy of loving and worshiping the One who desires us more than even our spouses (or ourselves) can desire us.

Guardian Angels

Growing up, guardian angels just seemed like a childhood fairy tale.  It was a cute story to bring comfort, and a bit of discipline, to young children.  In my household, angels weren't really spoken of too much, especially not personal guardian angels.  We believed in angels and that angels could be sent by God to intervene in our lives, but it was still met with a level of skepticism.

Coming out of this difficult period where I'd pretty much given up on all but very basic Christian identity, I felt very empty and confused.  Pretty much all I had left was the Apostle's Creed, and even that was just recited with a feeling of emptiness.  It was all I had left to hold on to of my Christian faith.  

Once the Christmas music had rewarmed my heart of hearts, I decided I need to get back to basics and relearn my faith.  I had the Creed.  What explains the Creed well?  The Baltimore Catechism!  I pulled it off my shelf and started to read.  

Chapter 4 starts with St. Matthew 18:10 ".....their angels in heaven....."  Wait.  What?  I grabbed my Protestant Bible and looked up the verse.  Surely this was just a weird Catholic translation to support their cute guardian angel theology.   Nope.  There it was plain as day.  Jesus was talking about the children and their angels; their personal angels who behold the face of God.  

When I was pursuing Catholicism the first time, I didn't really believe in Guardian Angels.  This was the first time I was really hit in the face with the fact that we do, indeed have Guardian Angels.  So, I grabbed the Catechism of the Catholic Church and read section 336 on Guardian Angels.  Then, I opened up the index in my KJV Bible and explored verses on angels.  I found this gem:  1 Peter 1:12, where angels are concerned about us humans.  

I can't escape it.  There it is in black and white not only in the Catholic Church, but in my Protestant Bibles.  

This is sometime I really appreciate about Catholicism.  The spiritual realm is available to us, to a degree.  Evangelicalism is very earth-bound.  We have Jesus, and for Charismatics, the Holy Spirit.  And while I completely believe in the Holy Spirit and his indwelling in us, I believe that many evangelicals rely on feelings and emotions as their "holy spirit" rather than the true Holy Spirit.  Catholics believe He is ever-present in us, whereas Evangelical Charismatics seem to believe that we have coax the Holy Spirit, conjure Him up, so to speak.  

(As an aside, I remember singing songs in my Assembly of God church asking the Holy Spirit to come, welcoming Him into the church.  It suddenly dawned on me that we are the ones walking into His house.  Church isn't our house that we invite the Holy Spirit into.  Why do we sing songs like that?)

Evangelicals tend to shun anything that "gets in the way of Jesus."  But, Catholicism welcomes all the gifts that Jesus has to give us:  the angels, the saints, Mary!  

When I close my eyes and picture my evangelical walk with Jesus, I see darkness and within the darkness I see the light of Jesus, but that light is concentrated just on Jesus.  It illuminates little to nothing else.  When I close my eyes and think of Catholicism, it is all light, central on Jesus, but revealing all His glory and all who give Him glory.  Perhaps not so ironically, that is why Catholic churches tend to be feasts for the eyes, but more and more evangelical churches are plunging their auditoriums (I hesitate to even call them sanctuaries) into darkness and utilizing special lighting techniques to pinpoint whomever is on stage.  

Now that I've gone off on a slight tangent, I conclude with happily believing I have a guardian angel! 

Time to get acquainted.

PS....I sometimes hear from evangelicals that "angels don't look like that," concerning the often Catholic use of beautiful human-like depictions of angels.  Of course they don't look like that.  The images offered us in the Bible are quite frightening and rather beyond our complete comprehension.  Angels are depicted in human-like form for our benefit (and the fact that they can appear in human-like form.  That is not beyond God to do for us).