Having a Life

In my wanderings through more conservative Protestantism, I developed this fear.  The fear was that if I lived my life, if I indulged my curiosity (even within God's boundaries), if I enjoyed myself, I was displeasing to God.

I knew so many people who dedicated their lives to God in ways that excluded everything but Christian music or other medias.  They wouldn't read secular books, except for classics.  They restricted their children's activities and entertainments, read copious amounts of the Bible everyday, prayed often, did devotionals, served at the church, dressed modestly, avoided expenditures on themselves, didn't really wear makeup or jewelry much....and I'm not even talking about Mennonites or Gothards or holiness people.  These are regular, mainstream modern Protestants.
d
I felt guilty if I enjoyed secular music.  I felt horrible watching secular TV or movies and even stopped 99% of it.  I felt rotten if I got into a good book and read 5 chapters of that book, but only a few verses in the Bible that day.  I felt like I was turning away from God if I intellectually debated or considered or conversed about non-Biblical or extra-Biblical or questioning-Biblical issues.

My life has been a constant, mind-boggling, fearful debate about whether or not what I am doing or enjoying or desiring is WRONG and God is disappointed in me.  It is numbing and anxiety-ridden.  I still feel guilty buying myself a Starbucks every once in a while.  People are starving in other countries!  Why am I indulging in a Starbucks!!

Why am I listening to Queen when I should be listening to KLove?

It has been crippling.  Downright crippling!!

There is this idea in some Protestant circles that God put us on this earth for us to be fully devoted to Him.  I have been preached at that when we get to Heaven all we will do is bow before Christ and sing His praises and worship Him.  And I am a horrible Christian for thinking that doesn't sound very heavenly to me.

Somehow, when I actually sit down and think about it, I don't believe that God wants us to just splay at His feet for all eternity, whether here on earth or in Heaven.  He created us with interests, talents, desires, relationships.  I believe He put us on this earth to enjoy it in His name!  And to enjoy the talents and creativity and company of others....to let our resources flow.

When God put Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, He gave them run of the place with just his boundary about the Tree they couldn't eat from.  So, I believe God wants us to utilize and enjoy this earth fully, but within His boundaries.  He also only came to visit them in the evening.  He wasn't with them the whole time, Lording over them and expecting them to grovel and serve Him constantly.  Instead, their enjoyment of the garden was a form of worship.

I'm sick of feeling crippled with guilt.  I don't think God means for me to live this way, in fear of everything I am doing either being displeasing or not good enough.