Spiritual Abuse and Living in Fear

I love Jesus. I call myself a Christian and I take my Christianity seriously.

But, I haven't been reading the Bible because I don't feel I am at a place right now to read it.

"Oh, but you have to push through and read it anyway! It's a ploy of the devil to get you not to read the Bible."

And that's EXACTLY why I am not reading it right now, because it is steeped in fearmongering, and because verses and passages jump out at me like the punishing hand of an angry father.

That's how I know that I have endured spiritual abuse.

I live in fear. I flinch when I pray. My husband and I are discussing taking the giant leap of faith in doing a very much needed renovation on our house, but I am close to panic attacks thinking God's going to throw a wrench in it and ruin us, or at the very least allow Satan to mess it all up in a bid to strengthen our faith endurance. I worry that it's worldliness and sinful to take on such a project.

I endure guilt when I work, guilt when I stay home, guilt when I buy something new, guilt when I throw away moldy leftovers. In all these things I hear Bible verses. If something bad happens, it's either God allowing a faith-building trial or God punishing us for hidden sins. If I don't adhere to traditionalism or fundamentalism, I'm lukewarm and God'll spit me out. If I don't become a prepper God'll smite me in the End Times. If I pray too much I'm in "vain repetition." If I don't pray enough I'm not "praying without ceasing."

My faith path is littered with fears and what-ifs. What if I believe this wrongly, or that interpretation of scripture is all wrong and I end up hell bound? What if I am too scrupulous or strict and am alienating people? What if I'm not strict enough and being a stumbling block to others?

It's gotten to a point where I want to just step away from all of it. I don't want to listen to another opinion, another sermon or homily, another podcast, vlog, or read another article because they all just add to my confusion and anxiety.

Add in the socio-political insanity of today and I am downright mentally and spiritually exhausted.

I can see why some Christians have stepped away from organized religion, denominationalism, and politics. We just want to love Jesus and live in peace!

But, then we worry that in just wanting that we are ignoring the crises in the world and not doing our jobs.

I need a break. I need a guilt-free break from it all so I can come back better.