Going Crazy

 I'm beginning to think I need more time before committing to the Church.  More toxic evangelical stuff has come to the surface that I need to work out.  I also hate hate hate the disunity in my family.  We were all a family who went to church together almost every Sunday!  We were that family!  Now, we're not and I hate it.  Is it really better to enter Catholicism alone?  Really?  I just don't see that.  All the Catholics I talk to smilingly assure me my family will follow and give examples, but one thing I've learned in my Christian walk is that typical promises aren't always typical.  Following such advice in the evangelical world led us down some nasty paths.  The last time we blindly obeyed we almost lost our house!

Right now, at best, I'd be a cafeteria Catholic.  I love the Church, and I enjoy going there, but to ascribe to everything they say I have to commit to, I'm not sure I can do that right now.  If I was single, I probably could.  Agree or disagree, I could at least just accept the dogma, but I am not single.  I have others to consider who do not share my Catholic path, and certain things clash.  Am I really meant to tear my family down and apart in disagreement over dogmas I'm not even 100% sure I agree with? 

I mean, ideally, they're beautiful dogmas and I would agree with them.  But, in the real world, I can't right now.  The Church just smiles and says to be a Saint and a martyr to them.  Frankly, I'm sick of being at odds with everyone, even myself.

And I don't know which direction to go in.

I skipped Mass today in favor of going out and doing something with my family, and I felt relieved.  We're all so happy!  Then, I hear, "God wants you holy, not happy."  Well, shit.  I've been "holy" my whole life only to always be unhappy and at odds with everything.  I see other people, Catholics, Evangelicals, living great, happy lives, with friends, careers, families, upgraded homes, vacations, charitable donations, volunteering.  And I've barely been able to get through a day well because I'm always at odds.  I can't seem to plug in. 

The lack of support, the loneliness, the no one to talk to is killing me.  If I talk to an evangelical, they'll tell me God's saying to leave Catholicism.  If I talk to a Catholic they'll tell me it's my cross to bear.  If I talk to a secularist, they'll tell me my faith is whatever I make it out to be.

I'm just so mad, so fed up, so frustrated, and all I want to do is live my little life loving my family and working on my character.

I'm sick to death of everybody else's expectations put upon me.  And I'm sick of no matter what decisions I make I face massive stone walls.  

The lack of family unity is killing me.  I hate it so so much.  Some would say I'm making my family an idol.  But, am I really?  Or is this a valid concern?  Because I think it is.  Maybe I'm making my own spiritual preferences and the expectations of firm dogma an idol over my role and service to my family.  

Oh, I'm so unhappy.  I can't even read the Bible because all I hear is everyone else's voices from the pulpits and podcasts.  All the noise!!!   All the opinions.  All the interpretations.

Before the Church there was the Jewish faith.  Before the Jewish faith, there was the Abrahamic faith.  Before that, was just a belief in God.  I almost feel like we have monkeyed it up so much with human interference that some of us have to start over.

Where's HOME?  Where's home for my whole family?  Where's home in Christ Jesus for my whole family?

Maybe it's still in the Catholic Church, but maybe not in the parish church I've been attending.  Maybe it's in something more natural outside of organized religion.  I just don't know.  I really just don't know right now.  I don't want to force us into a church that just leaves us feeling awful and ill-fitting.  And I don't want to succumb us to something opinionated, political, or culty.  I don't want modernism, torn jeans, blue-purple lights, a rock concert and TedTalk.  I want true church and church community.

We talk about how much we love our neighborhood.  We talk about how much our business has grown and our wonderful customer base.  But, a part of me wishes we could move away and leave it all behind and find a place that we can really plug into with a solid, healthy church community.  

I am burned out.  And I hate it because I love Jesus and I want Him, but why do I struggle so?  

In a month or two something might shake my faith and suddenly I'm all 100% into Catholicism again.  Then, I burn out.  

As I get closer to my confirmation date, I find myself withdrawing more and more, though.  Something's gotta give.  Something's gotta get figured out.

I asked hubby some questions, but I didn't get the answers I was looking for.  I don't care what way he answers.  What I mean is that I didn't ask the right questions.  And he's frustrated with my questions.  He won't open up the way I need to, or I'm not hearing him the way he needs me to.  It's just as frustrating.  

So burned out.

I'm sick of it all.  

My Latest Catholic Dream

 Every once in a while I have a Catholic dream.  Sometimes they are just sweet little dreams.  Sometimes they are impactful.  This morning the dream was very impactful.

The beginning of my dream is very hazy and all but forgotten.  I think I was dealing with family members opposed to my Catholicism.  

I found myself at a Catholic Mass, though I can't remember if I went there to seek refuge from arguing with my family, or if I was thrust there by some unknown force.  But, I was there and it was packed shoulder to shoulder with people and people out the door, standing room only. 

When I got there it was towards the end of receiving the Eucharist, so I was at the back of the line walking towards the Eucharist while others who had already received were heading back in the opposite direction.  There were people of all kinds there, but I noticed the nuns.  So many nuns!

There was music, singing of sorts, though not quite typical human singing.  Just beauty.  

I knew I couldn't receive the Eucharist, but I figured I'd go up for a blessing.

In front of me was a young woman with a toddler daughter who was a bit wiggly.  Sometimes, instead of a daughter, she had two puppies, and at one point she had a goat.  I helped her handle the wiggly bunch, whatever they were.

Ahead of us, I could see the priest ending communion and the remainder of the line was being ushered past the alter and through the back of the church.  I heard somewhere that we had to go to confession.  I was a little concerned because I was not yet prepared for confession through RCIA, but I figured I'd either be told it was time to confess, or I'd just have a moment to speak with the priest.

The queue was led through the back of the church where things were stored and then through a school hallway.  All the while, this lady and I juggled the unruly bunch, whether child, puppies, or goat.  We weren't upset about it.  Just dealing with it as it was.

Finally, we turned into a beautiful annex with grand windows that overlooked a beautiful cliff and view.  We had reached my priest's office (I have never seen my priest's office, but I can tell you it doesn't overlook a cliff with beautiful views through magnificent windows).  My priest was sitting at his desk receiving us one by one.  

The lady went in ahead of me, and at this point, she had two puppies.  One went with her while I scrambled with the second wiggly pup.  The pup got away from me and as I went to retrieve it near the doorway of the office, I was met by the woman exiting, talking and making excuses while my priest told her something along the lines of needing to repent or she couldn't come back (couldn't receive the Eucharist).  In my knowing, I understood that she was living in sin with a boyfriend and had other unknown mortal sins.

The firmness of my priest with the woman had me a little frightened, though.  What did he have in store for me?  I entered his beautiful office and started to make introduction so he knew I wasn't prepared for confession, but was willing, though, at that point, I couldn't think of even a starting point!  

I remember turning to look at my priest, sitting in his office chair, leaning back, with his hands folded across the front of his cassock.

The dream just stopped.  Full, sudden stop.  In a moment it was ended, black, silent, unmoving.  And the next moment I heard a whisper in my ear, clear as anything, my priest's voice (he has a unique and recognizable voice).  He whispered, "Peace to you."  

It was so realistic and clear that I shot awake immediately.  I pondered what had just happened and wondered if at that moment he was praying for me.  It was nearly 4:30 AM and I figured that's not an unusual hour for a dedicated priest to possibly be awake. 

I can't seem to make much of the dream, itself.  What was the significance of the packed Mass?  The nuns?  The woman in front of me with her wiggly bunch of changing companions?  That same woman being sent out to repent of her mortal sins?  The audible, realistic whisper.....