I Envy You

I envy those who have it figured out.  They believe what they believe and do what they do, no questions asked, and they don't have their minds cluttered with questions and research and thoughts that take up so much time and effort.  Their lifestyles are set, based on their beliefs and priorities, and the chips fall where they may elsewhere.

I feel like I'm constantly in a battle, in a warzone, in stress, crunch-time, bearing everyone's burdens, including my own, responsible for more than I ought to be, but if I don't, it'll fall apart.  This is the imbalance of a non-unified home life. Where God isn't central (whether it is God or whatever lifestyle god you worship....I know some really settled and happy and organized people whose lives are based around whatever lifestyle god they "worship" be it minimalism, veganism, hedonism, workaholism...) there is conflict.

I want to pull Christ in, but I feel like something is pushing Him out.  You can "hang out," Christ, but you don't get to live here and make any calls.

I can't do it all, and yet I feel required to.

I can't understand it all, and yet I feel I a responsible to in order to ensure I am on the right path and not offending God or steering my children wrong.

I want to organize my life as a God-central life, but I am just the wife, the mom, the woman.  I can't do it without my husband being fully committed.  And it is stressful and I want to cry.

I'm sick of the clutter, the noise, the crowds, the questions, the debates, the worldliness, the lack of organization, and all the work...so much work.  Housekeeping, finances, appointments, grocery shopping, cooking, errands, public school, homeschool, family business, at-home business, cleaning business, church, lawn care, animal care, heating the house care, childcare!  It's never ending.  It's too much.  It's not enough.  It's lonely.  It's hard.  It's exhausting.  It's never done.  It's never good enough.  It's never fulfilling.  It's never joyful.

If I could orchestrate my life, right now, I would live in a small to mid-size Catholic suburb with a thriving parish, put my kids in Catholic school, and be a stay at home mom with enough money to have what we need, a few little extras, enough for suitable alms, and enough for a small vacation every year.  I'd have my daily rituals, like-minded friends nearby to call on, and a clean, uncluttered house that's airy and full of the Lord's blessings.