My ideology made me a charity

As I hash this newfound revelation out I assume it was a mix-up trifecta:

1. I grew up relatively poor and through that experience adopted a mindset that psycologists and sociologist would say is part of the cycle of poverty.

2. I grew up religious with a more conservative and traditional mindset, later adopting very traditional gender roles and the very conservative single-income, little to no higher education for women, certainly no career prospects, and homeschooling.

3. Because of the two situations, and as is popular in evangelical and even now secular America, I formed a moral basis and justification around my life situation that not only made me a martyr to it, but gave me the idea, the fear that God would either reward or punish me for how worldly I was or wasn't. I fully expected that God would bless us financially if I only behaved frugally enough.

I had read so many testimonies of conservative Christian women who "obeyed the calling of God for women" and faithfully stayed home, lived frugally, even in relative poverty for a while, homeschooled their kids, ate garbage and wore old clothes or homemade dresses, never saw a salon or hairdresser, etc, and God blessed them with a big fixed-up house and huge van or small bus for their families. I wasn't asking for a mansion and luxuries galore. I just didn't want to our debt to keep growing as emergencies kept befalling us. I didn't want to live in a house that was literally falling apart around us. I didn't want to be worried sick every time we got into a vehicle wondering if it was going to break down again and cost us so very much to tow and fix.

We just couldn't seem to get ahead, but the worst was I realized that our "faithful religious lifestyle" was keeping us a charity case. We couldn't help out others and were constantly in need of help.

Unfortunately, people got tired of helping us. It was all well and good when we had newborns and even if I was a career woman I would have been on maternity leave. People were compassionate then. But, once the kids were school-aged, patience ran out and help came in another form: "I'll give you a job."

Oh, those old Bible verses and conservative Christian viewpoints come roaring back. I feel like I'm abandoning my children, being materialistic, sinning.

But, I see other women, beautifual, wonderful women who work full time and are mothers. Their children are well-behaved, well-educated, well-rounded individuals who love their mothers and have a close-knit family life. I can't deny the reality I see even though the picture the conservative Christian position painted was that the boys were troubled, the girls sluts, the parents divorced, and the family going to burn in hell for not obeying traditional gender roles (ie. 1950's rose-colored Donna Reed ideologies).

Of course I still love traditional gender roles, and I do see a lot of benefit and still prefer that mother stays home. However, I cannot deny not only the realities of other healthy families and even history (women did work throughout history).

And I refuse to continue being a charity case and never being able to contribute charitably in order to hold on to an ideology that wasn't working and wasn't being blessed.