My ideology made me lonely

Growing up, it was pounded into us that we Christians (especially we Evangelical Pentecostal Christians) are a "peculiar people" and that we are "from the world but not of it." It was right and good that we didn't fit into our schools, our workplaces, our cultures, neighborhoods, etc. But, instead of it being taught in a healthy way, I became very scared of others and judgemental.

I prayed for a kindred spirit and found none.

I found almost everything offensive and took offense, because if we didn't clutch our pearls God would be upset that we didn't take a stand against sin and that would go towards our final judgement.

I could be friendly, but I couldn't get close to others because I couldn't find anyone that fit my standards. On the other hand, I wasn't "conservative enough" for other women I looked up to.

That style of Christianity only really works in a community, like the Mennonites and Amish, where you can live in an entire culture and have all you need socially, politically, economically, and theologically. I didn't have that community, that culture.

About 15-18 years ago that culture was trying to grow, mostly online. But, it fell to pieces quickly. The men, so many of them, were abusers and molesters. The women, trying to live up to their starry-eyed conservative ideals, became quickly burned out and sick. You simply cannot homestead, homeschool, home church, homemake, and homemade everything while popping out baby after baby for a husband who can't afford it. The only successful ones were the ones making their money off of the rest of the cult-followers trying to imitate their leaders.

Besides, I was too busy and too poor to befriend anyone. I had to be home with the kids and do everything from scratch because we didn't have the money for even extra gas to drive for a visit, or to buy lunch or a coffee with/for a friend.

I learned I can disagree without clutching pearls. God didn't call me to be right, but to be loving. He didn't call me to save souls. He called me to be a witness.