Really Bad at Lent

I was all gung-ho for Lent the week before.  I have since failed miserably.  I'm not in condemnation.  Just sort of sad at my selfishness, but working to understand my feeble humanity.  People have this misunderstanding about Catholicism that it only works with works.  Catholics accept that we are wretches, but that God is gracious and merciful and just above all.

Catholicism isn't this or that.  It is both, and.  Are we saved by grace?  Yes!  Does it take our own merit?  In a way, yes!  I cannot be saved by just being a decent person.  I NEED Christ.  But, part of that is obedience and following Him.

Think of it this way.  Yesterday, my daughter, who is ill right now mostly by her own lack of self-care, prayed that God would heal her.  I replied, "then stop making it so hard for Him!"  I was somewhat teasing.  Nothing is too hard for God, but the point was that yes, God can heal her, but she continually works to counteract that by not taking care of herself and refusing doctor's orders.  (It's so bad that part of the reason I want to homeschool her is so that I'm not losing 8 hours every weekday of monitoring her, and so she doesn't have to ignore her natural bodily rhythms to accommodate the school rules about bathroom usage and eating.)

Yes, we are saved by grace, but we cannot keep living a worldly life.  We must do good works!

I digress.....

Anyhow, I am really bad at Lent.  I have this vice of when something is restricted from me I indulge in it all the more.  Fasting?  FEED ME, SEYMORE!  No facebook, I spend HOURS scrolling until I am dizzy.  Prayer and Bible reading?  See the previous statement.  Seek God?  I google.

At least through my faults, through my faults, through my most grievous faults, I am seeing them for what they are.  They are being revealed and brought out to be dealt with and cast away.

1.  I am addicted to facebook.  I don't use that term loosely, either.  I am truly addicted to the point where I ought to just delete my account, but I run our businesses on them and most of our photos are are stored there.  Better to cut off my hand, though, so, oh whatever shall I do?

2.  I have developed media laziness and I absolutely need to retrain myself to be able to read, keep a schedule, do my chores, pick up a hobby again, instead of just grabbing my phone.

3.  I NEED to fast and pray.  Simple as that.  Nothing will come to me if I keep ignoring this need and making excuses.

4.  I must reorganize my life to a better functionality.  Right now, my life is disorganized around my humanism that refuses self-discipline, and the chores and tasks that must be done to not look like a sloth.  And I see the affect this has on myself and my family.  This entire household is subtly disordered and undisciplined beyond the bare minimum to look like functioning, decent citizens with good excuses.

All of this is coming out of my failing Lent, so that is good, too.  God can work with our short-comings if we acknowledge them and bring them to the light.

What Happened, and Why I am Not Catholic Right Now

Around October 2018 I had had enough of the inner debate and prayed for the Lord to reveal to me whether or not I should become Catholic now by giving me a sign.  I saw laying out my fleece, so to speak.  I prayed in faith, and I didn't share this with anyone until closer to the end.  Even then, I only shared it with my sister-in-law and my husband.

I asked for a simple sign and had many opportunity for it to come to pass.  I asked for a random rosary to just be given to me before December 31st if I was to become Catholic.  If the rosary wasn't given, I would give up my Catholic pursuit and simply stay with my husband in the Baptist Church and plug in there.

January 1st came and no rosary had been given to me.  I never even saw a rosary!  I was in the Church.  No rosaries.  I was in Catholic homes.  No rosaries.  So, I stopped attending Mass and decided to just align everything with hubby and the Baptist Church.

Even though I had explained all this to hubby, every Sunday he would ask me, "are you going to Mass?"  Or if we slept in too late he would apologize to me for missing Mass.  I found myself missing Mass terribly and making excuses to skip attending the Baptist church.  Recently, I missed Mass again and hubby said, "we have to make sure you get to Mass next Sunday."  So, I did and everything came flooding back.  I even went to Adoration.

What does this all mean?

I read the Liturgy of the Word.  It's the only devotional that I'm drawn to.  I find myself listening to Catholic radio again and being fed.  I watch youtube documentaries on nuns in convents and enjoy the peace.  I watch Journey Home and understand the journeys of the converts.  I find myself defending the Catholic faith on social media.

What in the world does this all mean?!!

And now I want to pour out my thoughts here again!

Why didn't God send me that sign?  I don't know.  But, this time, I am not looking to the right or to the left for answers and explanations.  I am simply looking to Christ.  I think, instead of pursuing Catholicism, I am simply going to just find myself there.  Maybe not.  I don't know.  Let the Lord do His work.

Pray for me.

Emotions and Works

Growing up Assembly of God, faith-alone and anointing of the Holy Spirit were drilled into me every Sunday.  I was consistently preached that it isn't about emotions.  We shouldn't trust our emotions.  We shouldn't rely on our emotions.  Our emotions are deceptive.  Being emotional isn't a sign of the Holy Spirit, necessarily.  Then, in church, especially when a charismatic evangelist or missionary was guest speaker, it would become an emotional roller coaster in the church.

I remember sitting there as a child watching the other congregants crying, wailing, speaking in tongues, dancing, clapping, even being "slain in the spirit" and wonder why I was just sitting there feeling, well, not much, really.  Was I not holy enough?  Not saved enough?  Was I selfish and didn't believe enough or selfish and refused to let the Holy Spirit "take control"?  Just before leaving the AG church, I found myself completely drained every Sunday by the craziness of emotions.  From the music, specifically designed to work us up, then bring us back down, to the urges from the pulpit of praying more, harder, deeper until we were sobbing or shouting or dizzily babbling tongues, to powerful sermons that tugged at heart strings, I was exhausted.  And I was picked on for not participating in the emotional tirades.  Sure, I may have shed some quiet tears thinking of my Savior and what He did for me, but I wouldn't throw myself on the "alter" up front and sob.

But, it wasn't about emotion.  That's what they said.  So, when I later explained how moved I felt in a Catholic Church, how I loved the beauty, tranquility, and sanctity, I was told I shouldn't rely on my feelings, my emotions.  It isn't about aesthetics or outward experiences.   If I felt or experienced something during Mass, it was just my own emotions and they shouldn't be trusted.  But, if I felt or experienced something in an AG church, well, that was the movement of the Holy Spirit!  It's not ok to find joy in Catholicism, but it is perfectly ok to sob and carry on in an AG church.  To experience peace in a Catholic Church is an emotion that shouldn't be trusted, but to emotionally spend myself in an AG service is an experience of the Holy Spirit.

Let's move on to works.

One of the reasons I left the AG church was the confusion of faith-alone, not works.  Not works.  It isn't works.  Catholics are saved by works, and that's wrong.  We are saved by faith, not by what we do.  Faith, just faith.  Only faith can saved you.  Works can't.  But, you're doing it wrong.

It was this constant "never enough" subtle theology that brought horrible condemnation and confusion to me.  You're saved by faith, not by works, but you're doing it wrong.  It was never outright spoken, but inferred so often that it began to anger me.  Evangelists constantly came in giving some formula for success as a Christian.  Not exactly health and wealth gospel, but yes, it was.  Funnily enough, they would condemn Catholics for their prayers, sacraments, and practices that could earn them fewer years in purgatory, or salvation, or whatever.  But in the same breath say that if you tithe 10% of your gross income faithful, God will bless you financially.  Or if you have enough faith, He will heal your illness.  Or if you speak in tongues you'll get fill in the blank.  Or if you aren't receiving earthly blessings, you must do A B C and D and you'll get them.  Works.

AGers also do not believe in once-saved-always-saved, which I agree with.  But, there you go again.  If you are saved by faith-alone and not by works, then how can you lose your salvation by doing or not doing the right or wrong works?

My conclusion is that we cannot escape our emotional experiences.  Nor can we fully rely on them.  They are part of how God made us and how we experience our faith, but they are not the final say on how we are doing or where we are in our walk.  I now believe that it most certainly is important that I feel more at peace within the walls of certain Catholic Churches than I do within the walls of certain Protestant Churches.  The older churches call to me.  I cannot stand Vatican II modernism, nor can I stand modern Prot Churches.  Nor can I stand older churches that have kicked God out or have embraced modernism.  I can only stand to go to my current protestant church because the people are nice.  I can only drag myself there because I consider it a social club and not a church.  Why?  Because they removed the crosses from the sanctuary.

(Just as a side note, it is funny how protestants complain that the Catholic Church has allowed indulgences, and yet those aren't Saints or Bible people staring down at us from the stained glass windows of protestant churches that have them.  They are benefactors of the church immortalized in glass and lead.)

I also conclude that we cannot escape from works being part of our walk and salvation process.  To have faith is a work!

Protestantism, I believe, is basically trying to answer questions that Catholics already answered or what Catholics faithfully call mysteries.

Evangelicalism, I am growing to believe, is nothing more than humanism wrapped neatly in Christianized paper.

Fasting

Fasting was never something I really felt compelled to do.  It didn't really make sense to me in Protestantism.  With the emphasis on faith and not on works, on not being able to earn "brownie points," and on our own actions not having any special significance (because it all comes from God), fasting just felt like a fad or gimmick and not really necessary.

Once in a while the pastor would call upon us to fast about something, but it was a strange commitment and not one I could ever adhere to.  And to what purpose?  If Christ redeemed all and all we need to do is go to Him, then to what purpose is fasting other than it is mentioned in the Bible?  No clear doctrine was ever preached to me.

On top of that, the entire idea of mortifying yourself or making a self sacrifice was just all too Catholic.  I never understood how they would say Catholics were wrong in this, and yet push us to fast.

Today, though, my paradigm has shifted some.  Strangely enough I actually want to fast, and imagine my surprise when I was guided on how I can fast!  Catholicism opens the door to fasting wide, and creates this joy around it that I find so beautiful and peaceful.

I started with the no meat on Friday.  That was simple enough.  However, I felt it wasn't enough.  So many things are affect by fasting and prayer that I needed to add another day of self-discipline and mortification.

I admit that I am a wuss at fasting.  On top of that I do have a medical issue that requires eating and a job that needs me functioning.  I was told by some lovely Catholic ladies that I can indeed eat during a fast, and can choose something other than food to give up.  I decided to do the following every Wednesday:

1.  No facebook (except for what is absolutely needed for my businesses)
2.  Food restrictions

For the food restrictions, I cannot have any goodies.  No coffee (tea is ok, preferably herbal).  Breakfast and lunch will be cold cereal.  I chose cold cereal because it requires no thought or preparation that takes up time.  I was going to do plain oatmeal and brothy soup, but I decided it was an added thought, effort, and expense.  I needed simple meals with no thought or effort used to create them.  I will have a normal dinner with my family, but no dessert.  Needed snacks are to be simple fruits or vegetables, plain and raw.  Today, I did have a plain yogurt, but mostly because I had a health symptom flare up that needed the probiotics.

My First Adoration

Last Friday I attended my first Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament.  A phenomenon occurred that has me pondering what it could have been.  While looking at the Blessed Sacrament in the Monstrance, a fog would form at the edges of my vision and move inward toward the Monstrance filling in my vision with a sort of fog or haze.  Thinking it was just me staring too hard, I double checked my vision on other objects approximately the same size around the room, but no fog.  I also attempted to will it away, thinking maybe I was subconsciously making it up or willing there be no fog while looking elsewhere, and yet it still happened.  Over and over again.

At one point it overwhelmed me and I couldn't bear to look at the Blessed Sacrament for a little while.  So, I humbled myself in prayer, head bowed, eyes closed.  I felt a nudge to look again, but was too scared to.  It took strength to look again, and as before, the fog.

Praying before the Blessed Sacrament was both filling and tiring.  It took a lot out of me spiritually, but added so much.

If I am going to be honest I cannot fully say 100% that I believe in the Real Presence just yet, but I am praying, asking, and seeking the Truth on the matter with God.  I figure the more I spend before the Blessed Sacrament, or at least in focused prayer, the more likely I am to receive my answers.

Understanding Faith and Works

In the Baptist church we attend we are studying Galatians with Baptist glasses on.  That is, it is drilled into us every Sunday that we cannot lose our salvation and it is only God's grace through our faith that saves us.  We can't "work" our way to Heaven.

I can barely sit through a sermon.

Does not compute!

I am not nor have I ever been a believer of "once saved always saved."  And while I have floundered a little on the faith-alone doctrine, overall, I do believe that our works means and merits something towards our final salvation or damnation.

I'm still struggling with fully understanding it in 3 ways:  The Catholic way, the Assemblies of God way (how I grew up), and the Baptist way.

In the Baptist church we are constantly reminded that "our righteousness is as filthy rags," and it is presented to us that even our best behavior is nothing more than used toilet paper to God.  That makes me want to pound my head against a brick wall.  I just can't understand or accept that!  Surely when I am in His Will it is a sweet savor to Him?  Isn't it?

I think Baptists over-simplify and don't take it into an overall deeper context.  I think they see "our righteousness" and consider it anything we do, when really perhaps it means what we do on our own.  I figured it this way:

When my oldest son was around 7 or 8 years old he got into a habit of benevolent disobedience.  Let me explain.  I would ask him to pick up his legos and he would fix the beds, instead.  I would tell him to feed the chickens and he would rake the leaves, instead.  When I confronted him on his disobedience to me, he would point out the good works he did.  I would remind him that while it was very nice that he fixed the beds and raked the leaves, he still disobeyed me by not doing what I told him to do.  I didn't want to squelch his good works, but eventually it got so bad that I had to discipline him for disobedience!

His own righteousness wasn't entirely good.  To me, it was useless.  I needed legos picked up, not the beds fixed.  The chickens were starving for their breakfast.  The leaves could wait.  His good works were useless.  However, if he obeyed me and picked up the legos and fed the chickens, then his good works would be a sweet savor to me, a balm, a blessing, and he would have merited great favor and reward for his obedience.

Jesus died on the cross for our sins.  That's where salvation is.  Many of the Jewish people would not accept that for their salvation and would point out their following the Law, instead.  They were corrected:  the Law cannot save you.  Jesus does.  Jesus is the legos.  The Law is fixing the bed.  You need to pick up legos.

But, I think that's where Baptists get stuck.  The salvation is in the legos!  But, they don't always pick them up.  They just point to the legos and say the salvation is there.  Why?  Because picking up the legos is "works."  And works don't save, right?  Or, they may pick up the legos but say that salvation wasn't in picking up the legos but only in recognizing that they needed to be picked up.

You know how they say love is a verb?  Well, so is faith.  And faith includes works, which is what the Catholics believe.  They believe that God gave us a job to do alongside salvation.  And if we don't do it according to His will and our abilities, we are useless.  What good is recognizing that the legos need picking up if you don't pick them up?

Baptists believe you are still saved, even if you don't pick them up because you recognize that they need to be picked up.
Catholics believe you are not saved unless you pick them up.

Think of it this way, too:  You can love your spouse in your heart all you want, but it means nothing to them unless you act upon it.  Works.  You have to work at your marriage.  You have to do their will, fulfill their needs, obey the Word of the Lord concerning the boundaries surrounding Godly marriage.  If you don't, what good are you?

The More I Go the More I Want to Go

The more I go to Mass the more I want to go again.  I cannot attend most week day Masses because my kids have to get on the school bus halfway through Mass, but if there was a way I would attend as often as possible.

People complain about the obligation to go to Mass, but if I could rearrange my entire life to get there as much as possible and fulfill the daily rosary, an hour of prayer and contemplation, at least bi-weekly confession, weekly Adoration, I would.  I get so much out of it all, it is a peace and a spiritual walk I have been seeking my entire life.  The quietude, the contemplation, the reverence, the peace....