When in prayer, ask....

I heard this on The Journey Home.  I believe it was with Tim Staples.

When in prayer ask, "Lord, what do you want done today?"

I don't know why, but I just found that so profound.  Not, "what do you want me to do," but rather, "what do you want done, today?"

Catholicism Allows for Introversion

One of the hardest things about being an Evangelical Charismatic Protestant is that I am extremely introverted.  There isn't a lot of room for introversion in the ECP movement.  What's worse is that I have been scolded for my introversion, and told that I need to "move out of my comfort zone."  It isn't a "comfort zone."  It's who God made me to be!!

Extroverts cannot understand introversion.  Type A's can't understand Type B's.  Big people cannot understand small people.  I'm introvert, type B, shy, small, simple, quiet.  And I do not feel welcome or like I can be a part of the ECP movement.  Church overwhelms my senses and I have a very hard time meeting God there and getting myself to focus.  There's no opportunity for quietude and reflection.

Catholicism appeals to me because it is quiet, reflective, reverent, and excellent for introverts.  There are so many opportunities and beautifully aesthetic grottos to pray.  Aesthetics are important to me.  Not on a material level, but just because.  A field of wildflowers in bloom sets my soul alight just as much as a well-dressed room or beautiful holy grotto.

Rest and Peace in Church

Rest and Peace are two things I seek.  For whatever reason my physical body almost never feels rested, and I suffer from anxiety, so I rarely feel peace.  I sorely crave these things.

The Bible says God gives us rest and peace.  I believe that, but I have yet to really have it and I'm not sure why.

When I attend my Protestant churches I look around and see so many faces happy to be there, holding on to every word the Pastor says, smiling, and looking completely at home.  I have ALWAYS felt like I was sitting on the outside, the fringes, looking in and not really being a part of.  I'm not sure why.

Do I blame the Protestant churches I have attended?  Certainly not.  But neither do I completely blame myself.  I tried the whole, "change your attitude" thing and it didn't work.  It was inferred that something was wrong with me and my faith and if I would just yield to God I would fit in.  I have been praying for and desiring Truth and praying for and desiring unity and seeking seeking seeking for decades, and the more I pray for it all, the more disquieted I become!

I've tried wadding myself into certain Protestant molds.  I've tried just being my own unique self, the dandelion among the daisies.  I've tried ignoring my fascination and interest in the Catholic Church.  I even considered just giving it all up and living this weird floater life where I believe in God and pray and read the Bible, but never belong anywhere and no longer attend church.

There is no rest.  There is no peace.  I am exhausted and anxious, and I feel this longing to crawl into His Presence and find peace and find rest.

Gifts of the Holy Spirit

One argument against Saints being able to hear our prayers in Heaven is that only God is omniscient.  Therefore, it is impossible for the Saints to hear so many prayers at once like God can.  How can Saints have God's power.  They'd then be like God and that's the sin of the Garden of Eden.

All I know is that God can do whatever He wants, and He gave us the Holy Spirit and gifts and He bestowed on His Apostles some God-like gifts, like casting out demons and healing the sick.   Does that make us more God-like?  No.  Because the power doesn't come from us, it comes from God.  Just because I pedal my bike fast enough to make it coast on its own for a while doesn't make it human.

While I am not yet fully convinced of the intercession of the Saints, or Mary for that matter, I don't see how the Protestant argument holds up.  If God can make a donkey talk, if He can give humans divine gifts like casting out demons and healing the sick and speaking in tongues and prophecy and interpretation, etc, then He most certainly can equip His Saints to hear our prayers.

I Haven't Watched The Passion

I just can't bring myself to do it.  It'll wreck me, I know.

Yet, I know I ought to watch The Passion.

I want to, but it'll have to be on a spiritual retreat.  A time when I am away from all obligations but spiritual ones between myself and God.  Because I know it'll do me in.  I won't be able to function for a while after viewing it.

I listened to most of The Stations of the Cross on Gus Lloyd's show on Good Friday and that alone affected me like I have never been affected before concerning Christ's crucifixion.   I have always just set it aside, or been unable to really contemplate it and understand it.  Protestantism doesn't really emphasize it.  The season is mostly directed to His resurrection and we celebrate that.  You almost never see Christ on the cross in a Protestant church, and if you do, it is either done in a cutesy way to not affect too much emotion, or in an overly dramatic way that plays to emotion without really bringing the TRUTH of it.  It's detached.  At least it has been for me.

Pray that I may be granted a spiritual retreat.  I have been needing one desperately for years, but unable to have one.  Nothing fancy.  I just need a weekend away on my own.

A House Divided Cannot Stand

Some Protestants blatantly accuse Catholicism of being of the devil, devil worship, a Satanic religion, wolf in sheep's clothing, etc.  At best, it is a Christian religion fraught with pagan influences that grieve God and call to question the Catholics' salvation.

A house divided cannot stand.  You cannot serve God and Mammon.

And yet, here is Catholicism.  Still standing.

As I study Catholicism and observe her practices, rituals, prayers, etc, I notice that everything...EVERYTHING...points to Christ.  Even "prayers to Mary," the Saints, the Stations of the Cross, the Rosary, the Holy Mass, liturgy....EVERYTHING points to Christ.  How can everything that points to Christ, that has direct aim, direct address to Christ be demonic?

I recognize that Catholicism has in some ways become cultural, even superstitious to some.  But when you get down to brass tacks, it's about Christ entirely.  Even the so-called "pagan influences" are directed at Christ, for Christ.  The Veneration of Mary is because of Christ, for Him, in obedience to Him.

Are Catholics mistaken?  Maybe.  I contend that every denomination is mistaken somewhere. We can't all be right and we can't all be completely wrong, either.

Catholics reach back to Christ, and not just Christ in The Gospel of Matthew, but Christ in Genesis.  And they pull forward through the ages, through the New Testament, through Revelations, through the earliest of church fathers and their writings found and preserved.  Through tradition and the development of the Catechism, answering questions clearly and concisely based on all that was passed down from generation to generation even before the Bible was written.  They take it all VERY seriously.

All that together really has me on edge that anyone calls Catholicism demonically influenced and Satan worshipping.  I'm even becoming more opposed to the idea that they are gravely mistaken or too pagan.  The more I seek, the more I learn, the closer to Christ I feel.

They Didn't Walk Away, They Ran!!

As I have written about before, my family left the Catholic Church in the 1980s.  My mother-in-law also left the Catholic Church in the 80's, but they didn't walk away....they RAN!  And then spent the next 30 years speaking against the Catholic Church.

Recently, I talked with my Mother-in-law about this and she said she was told by her priest that she had no business reading the Bible because she was not worthy of it and she should just leave it to him.

My aunt was told that the Bible was just a book of myths and legends and she need not bother with it at all.

My mother was also told that she shouldn't read the Bible.

None of them were properly catechized and have said that once they started reading the Bible they discovered that nothing the Catholic Church taught was in it, and they came to the Assembly of God church, instead.  AG promotes "All the Gospel."

I admit, the AG church does seem to be more straight forward in Biblical interpretation.  I can see why it was easy for my family members to run from the heresies they were being taught and towards the Bible.  Isn't that what every good Christian should do?  Run from heresies towards Truth?

Why was the Catholic Church so heretical in the 80's?  What was up with these priests?  What was up with the Vatican, the dioceses?  Because as I discover now, the Catholic Church promotes reading your Bible.  The liturgy IS the Bible.  And so much of what Catholics believe they have scriptural references.

I do believe these family members are forever away from the Catholic Church, now, but much like a wife who was abused by her husband, even with her husband repentant and changed, she is unlikely to ever go back.

The Lifestyle

If I could choose to order my life, right now I would probably pick something akin to a 1950's-ish light suburban Catholic neighborhood (neighbors, but decent sized yards and the ability to have some animals and a good sized garden), stay-at-home motherhood, kids in an excellent school system with like-minded kids, and a modest lifestyle with just enough money to keep up our modest home decently and perhaps one small vacation per year.

I want a unicorn, I suppose.

So, as I research Catholicism and Protestantism and delve deep into my own beliefs and faith I have to remember that I have this desired fantasy lifestyle that is perhaps bordering on idolatry if it isn't there already.  If not idolatry, then definitely a covetousness...something along those lines of being dissatisfied with my real life and desiring this fantasy life where I feel like I will finally feel at peace and happy.  Is my research into Catholicism merely part of this hope that a possible conversion will grant me this lifestyle?  It sounds silly and I can tell you the answer is no, a conversion will not grant me that lifestyle I seek.  But, I know that is something that haunts my psyche.

Ideally, my family would follow me.  No, ideally, my husband would lead us to Mass.  I wouldn't have to do much work beyond just accepting and following and raising our children up in the faith.

Realistically, I have my doubts.  I am going at this alone and I feel so very alone, and disappointed, and frustrated, and just wishing I KNEW the Truth and better yet, that the Truth went ahead of me, family and all, and all I had to do was follow and submit.

Carmelite

When I was a girl I watched Sister Act.  Loved that movie.  The combination of a sort of redemptive Cinderella Story, the music, and the Catholicism grasped my attention.  I could indulge in my Catholic curiosity and minute participation in movies like Sister Act and Sound of Music.  (I think a part of me was a little sad that I was cast as Brigitta in The Sound of Music rather than a nun).

Anyhow, in Sister Act, when Whoopi's character is abducted and the other nuns go looking for her, one of the nuns is describing her to a bystander.  She uses the term "Carmelite."  I remember the first time I heard that I thought they were trying to racially describe her "carmel," Whoopi's dark skin tone.  I was shocked!  Why would a nun say that!  Later, I learned a tiny bit more about Carmelite nuns...basically, that they were very strict and shaved their heads.  So, I put the Carmelite idea aside.

But why did that stand out to me?

Years later, I was surfing blogs and found one written by a Catholic convert who was a Carmelite.  I was immediately intrigued.  But at the time I was very much in line with the AG church in that Catholicism was out of the question and these such followings were not in line with Christ...too steeped in works, paganism, or superstition.  Still, that word, "Carmelite" stuck.

A few weeks ago I watched Journey Home and Marcus Grodi's guest was a revert who was a lay Carmelite.  Immediately, I had to research what that meant.  It was like someone laid out a worship lifestyle (for lack of a better term) for quiet, introverted, introspective, contemplative, meditative, simple me.  It appealed on so many levels.

If I were to ever become Catholic, I would consider joining the Carmelites as a lay person.

Can't Be a Floater

One nice thing about Protestantism is that you can be a floater, a pew warmer.  Even in my Baptist church, you only have to agree with the key points to be a member, not with every dogma and doctrine.  Our church is very diverse in beliefs.  We even have people like me who we call "Pentabaptists" or "Bapticostals."  We are those who left Pentecostal churches but maintain our Baptism of the Holy Spirit through speaking in tongues and attend a Baptist church where the teaching is that tongues isn't really for today and certainly not the "jibberish" we use.

Anyhow, we have tremendous freedom of individuality within the Protestant church, some more than others, which is why I think there is a large growth of non-denominational churches.  A friend of mine who is a yoga instructor tried a local non-denom.  She told me that she left because one of the greeters told her she'd have to give up being a yoga instructor to go to that church.  I told my friend, "well, I don't understand that because I know people who go there who practice yoga!"

On the other hand I GREATLY admire the Catholic Church's unity not only now but throughout the centuries.  That is a great testament in and of itself.  God is the same yesterday, today, and forever, so why wouldn't His church be?

That causes a bit of a dilemma, though.  I feel like I can't just visit a Catholic church with no current intent to convert.  Right now we are at the Baptist church with no intention of becoming members.  I don't feel comfortable becoming a member because I don't believe in some of their doctrines, even if they aren't a part of their key doctrines to be a member.  But, the church seems ok with that.  I'm not sure the Catholic Church would be ok with me just warming the pews for some Masses.

It's like a told a friend of mine, "I can't just sample the Eucharist to see if it is true."

Unenthusastic Catholics

I hate to be critical, but hey, that's what this whole blog is pretty much about, critiquing the churches and my own thoughts on the matter.

One thing that sort of pushes me away from Catholicism and has pushed me away in the past is that lack of enthusiasm for the faith by its followers.  I have attempted to listen to Mass on the radio, or watch it on TV and have turned it off because the spiritual leaders look or sound like they are epically bored and just want this ritual over with.  Or I've tried to speak with some Catholics and they shy and shrink away, or change the subject, or their personal life is no where near what it ought to be as a professing Catholic.

Thankfully, lately I have encountered more enthusiastic Catholics.  I recently listened to Mass on SiriusXM and I was pleasantly surprised at how vibrant the service was.  The reader of the liturgy reading read with gusto and joy.  But when Cardinal Dolan went through the Eucharist, you could tell he was in reverence and not just getting through some ritual.

I really urge any Catholic who happens to read this to examine themselves and make sure they aren't "dead through ritual."  Even in the Protestant churches we are urged to not become too comfortable and too ritualistic and mechanical and on auto-pilot about our faith and faithful participations.  Anything with a lot of repetition can become auto-piloted far too easily in our human nature.

When my husband encouraged me to seek, I told him that I refuse to attend a spiritual dead church.  IF I chose to become Catholic, I would not join a lethargic church, or a dead church, or a superstitious church, or a sleeping church.  I would want one alive in the knowledge and understanding and faith in what is actually going on and what they actually believe.  I'm not saying charismatic, jumping up and down, swinging from a chandelier....I'm just saying with joy, reverence, and worship should Mass be celebrated!

Veiling and Crossing

Two very Catholic practices I have been doing lately are veiling and crossing.  I only do so in my prayer closet.  I don't veil and cross in church or in front of others.  This may come as legalistic and even wrong to some Protestants, but allow me to explain why.

1 Corinthians 11 has always confused me.  I have studied it for 2 decades now and I still can't come to a solid understanding of it.  I have read and listened to debates on it and both sides seem to have valid explanations.  I even tried covering my head (a la Amish/Mennonite style) 20 years ago, but it was legalistic back then.  I was trying to seek the Lord through works and not through honor and obedience...and I thought that being an ultra-conservative Christian would allow me the ability to be a stay at home wife and not have to work.  In other words, I was trying to orchestrate and control my perfect little future.

I say all that to assure you that I am not currently utilizing a veil for legalistic purposes.

I have always admired coverings on women.  Veils and scarves look so epically beautiful and feminine.  1 Corinthians 11 does discuss the purpose of veiling, and so I decided to just start placing one on my head during my prayer closet time.

I don't feel more holy.  I don't feel like God suddenly sees me and approves of me better or hears my prayers more clearly or answers my prayers simply because I stand out with a pretty cloth on my head.  What it does do is it provides me with a tool of focus.  It is holy by the definition of holy meaning set-apart.  I utilize it to set apart that time.  As it drapes over my head and down the sides of my face like blinders, it helps keep me focused.  It is a physical reminder of my time with God.

Crossing is a bit more difficult to explain why I do it, now.  As I thought about why Catholics cross, I actually felt compelled to cross.  Now, I don't like that feeling because I have a hard time knowing if it is of the Lord or simply of my own psyche.  I gave it a try and found that I like the practice because it is another tool to set apart a time, to set the focus.

I don't believe it gives me any more power in my prayer, or makes me more special in the sight of the Lord, or earns me any favors.  It is a gesture of holiness, again, as the definition of holy is set-apart.  It sets that time and that prayer apart.  It emphasizes to me that I am serious about this.

Prayer is something I can be very flippant about, very unfocused, loose, just blurting out a few demands while my mind is focused elsewhere.  Utilizing a veil and crossing are tools that have really helped me to settle down, focus, and realize that I am entering before the Lord.  I am speaking to my Creator and my Savior.  It sets it apart.

Real Presence or Symbol?

This is one of those Catholic vs. Protestant doctrinal issues that either makes or breaks someone's conversion either way.  My family members even say to me with negativity, "I was taught in the catechism class that the Eucharist really is the body and blood of Jesus."  The AG church and the Baptist church just hold it as a symbol.  In my last debate about it, I basically said that the doctrinal difference comes down to the interpretation of what "is" is.  Therefore, I decided to pick apart the scripture and the doctrines and do a sort of debate.

For ease of space and time, I'll stick with the 1 Corinthians 11 verses, since this is the establishment of the Lord's Supper by Paul to the Corinthian church.

Catholics believe in the literal translation of Christ's words, "take, eat: this is my body which is broken for you:" Protestants believe this is symbolic because it would contradict laws against cannibalism and consuming blood.  Catholics believe that it is literal, because they are told to actually eat and that "this is my body," not "this represents my body."

Christ goes on to say, "this do in remembrance of me."  Now, I have heard no debates on this portion of scripture, but it sticks in my mind.  If the Catholic line of thinking is true, then why does Christ say "in remembrance of me" especially since they believe that Christ is present and we with Him at Holy Communion.  Protestants take communion symbolically to remember Christ's sacrifice for us.  He is asking us to remember Him.

But, Christ goes on to say, "Wherefore whosoever shall eat this bread and drink this cup of the Lord, unworthily, shall be guilty of the body and blood of the Lord."  This makes me wonder, how can one eat a cracker and drink a tiny cup of juice unworthily if it is just a symbol and there is no power, authority, or presence behind or within it?  If it is just a remembrance practice, how can someone be guilty of anything?  If Christ is taking this part as seriously as it seems He is, wouldn't that indicate that there's something bigger, something more to the items of Holy Communion than just symbols?

The other argument is that this has been and continues to be practiced by the majority of Christians in the world.  This was written about by the early church fathers...that the Eucharist is the body, blood, soul, and divinity of Christ Jesus.

I wish I knew for sure, for sure.

Works in Faith, not Works vs. Faith

One of the arguments against the Catholic Church is that they don't believe in assurance of Salvation and that it is works-based.

I went to the AG church which believed in Salvation by grace through faith in Christ Jesus, but you can willingly renounce your faith and walk away.  You can be assured of your Salvation and you can't earn it through any works or deeds.  But the whole ability to "lose" your salvation was kind of subjective.

Of course, in the Baptist church I attend, there is no loss of Salvation.  Their reasoning is that if you don't live for Christ then you were never really saved to begin with.  And it is only by grace.  No works.

For example, in my late teens, early twenties I backslid.  I didn't stop going to church and I didn't renounce anything, but I chose some sins in which to indulge and didn't really read my Bible or pray or think or live like I should have.  I remember questioning whether or not I would go to Heaven, but some assured me I would, but the Bible says things 1 Corinthians 6.  And then there's the Parable of the Virgins in Matthew 25.

Virgin Brides represent the Church.  Christ's sacrifice has cleansed us and through His righteousness we are like a virgin bride.  So, here, the Groom has 10 Virgin Brides.  This is the whole of the church.  That means that all 10 were saved by grace through faith.  Otherwise they wouldn't be a virgin bride, right?  Well, at the end of the story we see that only half of them make it to the Groom for the wedding feast.  Why?  BECAUSE THE OTHER HALF DIDN'T DO THE WORK NEEDED TO BE DONE TO SUSTAIN THE TARRY!  The tarrying is the church on earth.  We can't just "say the sinner's prayer" and do nothing.

**Now, I want make sure I say that I am in no way saying that you can't get into heaven unless you do XYZ, or those who repent on their death beds don't get to heaven because they did no works on earth.  The final judge is God alone.**

The other parable that gets me thinking more along Catholic lines is the Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25.  Here, the Master gives His servants varying amounts of talents and tells them to increase for Him.  That involves WORK.  They are already His servants, so they are already saved by grace through faith, but He is telling them to get to work.  And what does He say to the servant who did no work?  "You wicked and slothful servant!" (ESV)  And the servant was cast out!!!!!

I mean, really, that's a BIG DEAL!!!

Catholics are accused of presenting God as this distance figure who needs to be appeased through works and superstitions like pagan gods.  Now, I believe there are too many Catholics who act like that is the way it is.  They don't have a real faith and relationship with God or a real understanding of the Truths.  And that ultimately hurts the Church.  But that isn't what Catholicism believes!  Catholics take their Christian walk and service to Christ seriously because the Bible takes it seriously!

I don't see Catholics as trying to earn their way into Heaven.  I see them as recognizing that if you do not do the work of the Lord, if you do not live out your Christian faith, if you do not form a relationship with God, then He doesn't know you.  "I never knew you.  Depart from me you worker of iniquity." (Matthew 7:21-23)

Leading Catholic Apologists are Converts

It really says something that leading Catholic apologists are converts:  Scott Hahn, Tim Staples, Gus Lloyd, and now Lizzie Reezay!

Back in the 80's, so many Catholics converted to Pentecostalism.   The sheer volume was evidence enough that "Catholics are wrong."  (As a side note, they believed Pentecostalism was right, but only their brand, their version of it.  I remember telling people I was Pentecostal only to have them recoil, and I'd have to reassure them that I am not a chandelier-swinging, snake-handling, writhing-on-the-ground, never-cutting-my-hair-or-wearing-makeup Pentecostal.)

Now, it seems many are returning to the Church, and Protestant leaders are converting and becoming apologists!  And I love reading or listening to their testimonies and reasons because when I asked why Catholics were becoming Pentecostals back in the day, I got short, curt answers of rhetoric:


"They worship Mary."
"They don't believe in true salvation."
"They believe the Bible is false."
"They don't really believe in Jesus or the Holy Spirit."
"They are superstitious."

I didn't get Biblical and historical answers.


Now that I am studying this, I find that I am getting so much Bible and so much history FOR the Catholic Church.  I am finding that those who converted to Pentecostalism knew very little about the Catechism.  Their arguments were formed on rhetoric and not truth.

I wonder, if you brought a Catholic apologist and a Protestant apologist before a courtroom, who would "win?"

Wanting to Dive In

There are days I feel just so ready.  I just want to dive right into Catholicism and be Catholic.

So, what's holding me back?

I do feel God is asking me to be patient.  There's more than meets the eye.  There's more to come.  I don't feel that He is halting my seeking at all.  Quite the contrary, but we must work within His timeframe.  I trust that I'll know when I know.  I tell Him that I don't want to waste time.  I feel like I've wasted enough time.  I'm sad I didn't get to grow up in the Catholic church, but I have to trust Him.

The answer may be I never become Catholic.

I don't know.

I do know I don't want to go alone.  It is very very important to me that if we are to convert, we convert as a family.  Perhaps God won't orchestrate it that way.  I'd be satisfied with hubby's full consent and encouragement, even if he chooses not to.  I'd go for it if I felt God leading me that way with apathy from my husband.  But, it is very important to me that this does NOT cause any division or rifts or spiritual hurts or confusions within my marriage home.

I still have a ton of questions and a ton of thoughts to sort out and beliefs I don't quite understand or agree with.  There are days I am at the point of just throwing up my hands and saying, "you know what?  It's faith.  I may not be there or fully understand or fully agree, but I can have faith that they are true and accept them."

Again, I just don't know.  All I know is that the green light is on.

Why Penance and Not Rejoicing

When I first hinted that I was exploring Catholicism, I was told, "you didn't like the guilt you felt in the AG church.  The Catholic Church is all about guilt!"

A little backstory:  like most Protestant churches, the AG church emphasizes and celebrates Christ's victory.  I have heard straight out of the AG pulpit that Catholics are wrong to focus on the crucifix when it is finished and Christ is off the cross, which is why our crosses, if any, are depicted as just the cross.

The guilt I felt was more legalistic guilt for not rejoicing enough.  It seemed expected of us to clap, dance, shout out, smile one minute, cry our eyes out the next, come up for every alter call...  I'm naturally more stoic, reserved, reverent, and quiet.  I hardly had time to even consider rejoicing, or tapping into my emotions because the services felt like roller coasters to me.  And it felt like my faith was called into question because of that.

Even as a child, if I did wrong, I had myself "pay a penance."  Granted, in my childish ways, it was just a way to satiate my guilt enough to not have to actually make amends.  For example, I cheated on a spelling test in 2nd grade.  I felt horrible, so I paid penance (I think I made myself write out sentences) and I made sure to purposefully get some wrong on my next test.  What I should have done was confessed to the teacher.

Protestants believe that we don't need to pay penance because Christ already paid it all on that cross.  But, what they don't seem to understand is that penance isn't just punishment.

Think of it in terms of a child:  A child fools around after being told not to and breaks a lamp.  We don't just say, "well, Jesus died for your sins, so go on and play."  Jesus isn't our whipping boy.   The child is already forgiven.  Mommy and Daddy love him, so they already forgive him.  But, he still has to face consequences:

1. Confession:  "Did you break the lamp?"
2. Discipline:  Perhaps a spanking, or a time out, or firm talking to.
3. Reflection: Think about what you've done.
4. Restitution:  Help mommy clean it up, and now do chores to help pay for a new lamp.

We don't sin and go rejoicing right away that Jesus paid it all!

Some say, "well, how does saying 5 Hail Marys absolve me from any sin?"  It doesn't.  It is the spanking and reflection.  It is our time of quietude and refocus on God for what we've done.  We've already been forgiven, but when we sin we are away from God and the penance gives us time to return to Him.  The Prodigal humbled himself before his father.  Then the party began!

Just as a side note, I wonder if our justice system would be more successful and rehabilitating criminals and preventing crimes if they exercised restitution.  We have confession, (getting caught and tried, basically), Discipline (the sentencing), and Reflection (carrying out the sentence), but we rarely have restitution.  Imagine if someone burglarized a home, trashing it, and taking money, jewelry, electronics...and part of their sentence is to fix the home and replace anything they couldn't return in its original condition.

Lutherans Believe What?

I was watching yet another Journey Home when the host and guest were talking about her being Lutheran for a while.  As they discussed what the Lutheran church believes, I was taken aback.  I did not know they believed so similarly to the Catholic Church in some areas!!

I grew up believing Martin Luther basically created the modern Protestantism...that is any semblance of Catholicism he removed because it was "wrong."  So, to discover that one of the "fathers of Protestantism" was actually....well..."Catholic Lite" surprised me and sort of drove it home that Catholicism isn't this far-fetched religion.  The timeline is speaking for itself.

What Protestants Answer, Catholics Mystify

I appreciate that Catholicism says, "I don't know for sure, but here are the scriptures, the texts, the tradition, the history, and the miracles to explain why."

We don't know 100%.  That's why it is faith!

It seems Protestantism attempts to answer those questions 100%.  They study and argue, argue and study and wind up with 30,000 different answers, each believing they have the truth with the scriptures to back it up.  The others have the scriptures to refute it.

I attend a Baptist church that believes in "once saved always saved."  I do not believe that (as most AGers don't) and we could argue until Kingdom come with scriptures.

Catholics leave the door open.  Sure, you have to agree to their catechism to be in the Church, but they know that we just don't know 100%.  However, to create a unified body throughout the world and throughout time, the Church has to have a unified agreement of beliefs.  I can respect that.

It is face-palming the willy-nilly of the Protestant church.  30,000 denominations, people, of a church Christ intended to be pretty much unified (personalities and cultures and climates, aside).

Mysteries, the Catholic Church calls them.  Mysteries because we don't know for sure.  For all we know we'll get to the ever after and God'll say, "yep, those Catholics had it right."  Or "Nope, you all got it wrong."

How Catholicism is Helping My Protestantism

Ok, I admit.  That's a clickbait title.  It ought to be How Catholicism is Helping My Christian Walk.

Studying Catholicism has been beneficial to my Protestant walk by reinforcing the truth of the importance of Christ's purpose and work and His reality.  I want to pray more.  I want to read my Bible more.  I want to seek Him more.

Another way is that I have a new view of the importance of Sunday Mass.  While we don't have Mass as Baptists, I have found that I sort of just go to church instead of have a personal and corporate time of worship.  I even struggled with wanting to go to church at all.  It just didn't seem important to me beyond remaining part of the body of believers.  I can do songs, prayers, and sermons at home easily enough.  What was really so special about going to church?  Now, I see its significance more.

I see the spiritual as more...well...spiritual.  Protestantism can be rather...earthy...I guess you could say.  More specifically, the Baptist church is rather earthy.  The AG church was very spirit-driven.  We had tongues, prophecies, and a LOT of prayer and worship.  But, the Baptist church seems much more about the figurative, the here and now, the tangible, the practical.  I've come to not only miss the spiritual, but sort of forget about it.  Studying Catholicism has brought the spiritual back into light for me.

Adoration is another biggie.  Worship, for me, wasn't really worship anymore.  And I don't think I ever really learned how to worship in the sense that it was just like, "yeah, Jesus, thanks!  I believe you're there and you did a good thing for me.  Thanks!  Love ya, man!"  Now, I feel the desire to ADORE Jesus, to really worship Him and meditate on what He has done, what He is doing, who He is!

I am continuing to attend the Baptist church because that is where my husband and young children go, and because it is a good church with good people and good sermons and a good pastor.  But, now I can and want to do more than just warm the pew.

He Unknowingly Encouraged Me

My Pastor in the Baptist church is a wonderful, Godly man.  He is on fire for the Lord and totally in His service.  I mean him absolutely no disrespect in this post or ever on my blog.  I hold him in highest regard.

But, he has perhaps unknowingly encouraged me to seek Catholicism.

In one sermon he mentioned that we Protestants often shun the crucifix because Christ overcame that and is off the cross.  But, he added, that we ought to take a page out of Catholicism and remember His suffering on the cross and why He suffered.

That was a catalyst in my no longer fearing the crucifix.  It was originally presented to me in the Protestant church as something wrong and disrespectful to our Savior.  I have always wanted to hang a crucifix in my home as part of my remembrance and adoration of Christ and His sacrifice, but I felt it was wrong to do so.

In another sermon, he mentioned that he believes the Catholics may have it right, in a way, with confession.  It does a body good to confess and have that accountability.  Us Protestants like to preserve our pride and dignity by just keeping it between us and God.

That was a catalyst in my thinking that perhaps Catholic practices and beliefs aren't too wonky or anti-Biblical.  If he could speak of them positively, perhaps I could research them without fear of offending God.

Just about every communion service, Pastor reminds the congregation that the gluten-free crackers and juice are just symbols and not the Eucharist.  The last communion I attended, he said this and I felt a little put off by it until I realized that yes, the Protestant crackers and juice are indeed symbols.  They cannot be the Eucharist.

That was a catalyst in my researching to understand why the Catholics believe it is the body, blood, soul, and divinity of Christ.  And whether or not it is Biblical or made up.

A Little Bit Angry

So, my kids have big mouths.  It got out in my real life that I am researching Catholicism and of course I get push-back.

Now, I am a little bit angry.

1. Why is it that when I am just "going through the motions" in certain Protestant Churches they are happy.  But, when I earnestly seek the Lord and do research and pray my guts out for His Truth and direction, just because it has taken the Catholic scenic route they are out of their minds about it?  It didn't even get this kind of push-back when I was considering becoming Amish or Mennonite!!  I didn't even receive this kind of push-back when I was practically agnostic and totally backslidden!!  But mention Catholicism and watch out!

2. Why is it that Protestants who convert to Catholicism are very kind towards Protestantism and thank God for that basis that helped paved the way to Catholicism, but Protestants who left the Catholic church are practically rabid in their anti-Catholic ways?  Oh, I had "paganism" spewed at me.  I could barely get a word in edgewise.  Any logical, Biblical, or historical arguments I presented were completely disregarded.  "Well, I just don't believe that."  I'M NOT ASKING YOU TO!!!  JUST FREAKING UNDERSTAND AND LISTEN FOR 2 SECONDS!!

Sometimes I really just want to run away from the ties that bind and finally have my own life.

My Husband's Gift

I didn't expect this.

I finally spoke with my husband about my seeking.  I really thought he would think I was going nuts, trying to upheave the family, trying to convert him, wasting my time....

Instead, he listened carefully, discussed fruitfully, and supported fully.

His words were, "You HAVE to go on this journey.  You just have to."

What a weight off of me!  I have felt encumbered because any Protestant Catholic convert, or Catholic seeker who decided otherwise who went on this journey knows that Protestants don't take too kindly to Catholicism.  To have my husband's support, regardless of what I choose in the end, is so uplifting.

I Envy You

I envy those who have it figured out.  They believe what they believe and do what they do, no questions asked, and they don't have their minds cluttered with questions and research and thoughts that take up so much time and effort.  Their lifestyles are set, based on their beliefs and priorities, and the chips fall where they may elsewhere.

I feel like I'm constantly in a battle, in a warzone, in stress, crunch-time, bearing everyone's burdens, including my own, responsible for more than I ought to be, but if I don't, it'll fall apart.  This is the imbalance of a non-unified home life. Where God isn't central (whether it is God or whatever lifestyle god you worship....I know some really settled and happy and organized people whose lives are based around whatever lifestyle god they "worship" be it minimalism, veganism, hedonism, workaholism...) there is conflict.

I want to pull Christ in, but I feel like something is pushing Him out.  You can "hang out," Christ, but you don't get to live here and make any calls.

I can't do it all, and yet I feel required to.

I can't understand it all, and yet I feel I a responsible to in order to ensure I am on the right path and not offending God or steering my children wrong.

I want to organize my life as a God-central life, but I am just the wife, the mom, the woman.  I can't do it without my husband being fully committed.  And it is stressful and I want to cry.

I'm sick of the clutter, the noise, the crowds, the questions, the debates, the worldliness, the lack of organization, and all the work...so much work.  Housekeeping, finances, appointments, grocery shopping, cooking, errands, public school, homeschool, family business, at-home business, cleaning business, church, lawn care, animal care, heating the house care, childcare!  It's never ending.  It's too much.  It's not enough.  It's lonely.  It's hard.  It's exhausting.  It's never done.  It's never good enough.  It's never fulfilling.  It's never joyful.

If I could orchestrate my life, right now, I would live in a small to mid-size Catholic suburb with a thriving parish, put my kids in Catholic school, and be a stay at home mom with enough money to have what we need, a few little extras, enough for suitable alms, and enough for a small vacation every year.  I'd have my daily rituals, like-minded friends nearby to call on, and a clean, uncluttered house that's airy and full of the Lord's blessings.

Either, Or; Both, And

I was watching The Journey Home the other day and I heard something so profound.  The host was discussing a Calvinist's conversion to Catholicism and comparing Catholic beliefs to Protestant beliefs.  He said that Protestants debate among each other an "Either, Or" theology.  It's either one belief or it is the other.  Either God is Sovereign and chose His elect, OR He has given us all free will.

He explained that in Catholicism it is very much a "Both, And" theology.  God is both Sovereign AND gives us free will.  Christ is both God, AND man.  He calls it a mystery.  The convert was saying how she really wanted to go to Adoration, but felt God stopping her and telling her to stay home with her sick husband.  The host said, it isn't either, or.  It isn't either Adoration or sitting at home with a sick husband.  It is both, and.  She is doing God's work, she is in worship, in adoration at home serving her husband selflessly, and there in her heart at Adoration.

I thought that was beautiful.  I'm sure there are Protestants who believe that, too, but I also see the "either, or" mentality.  The us vs. them.