My ideology made me lonely

Growing up, it was pounded into us that we Christians (especially we Evangelical Pentecostal Christians) are a "peculiar people" and that we are "from the world but not of it." It was right and good that we didn't fit into our schools, our workplaces, our cultures, neighborhoods, etc. But, instead of it being taught in a healthy way, I became very scared of others and judgemental.

I prayed for a kindred spirit and found none.

I found almost everything offensive and took offense, because if we didn't clutch our pearls God would be upset that we didn't take a stand against sin and that would go towards our final judgement.

I could be friendly, but I couldn't get close to others because I couldn't find anyone that fit my standards. On the other hand, I wasn't "conservative enough" for other women I looked up to.

That style of Christianity only really works in a community, like the Mennonites and Amish, where you can live in an entire culture and have all you need socially, politically, economically, and theologically. I didn't have that community, that culture.

About 15-18 years ago that culture was trying to grow, mostly online. But, it fell to pieces quickly. The men, so many of them, were abusers and molesters. The women, trying to live up to their starry-eyed conservative ideals, became quickly burned out and sick. You simply cannot homestead, homeschool, home church, homemake, and homemade everything while popping out baby after baby for a husband who can't afford it. The only successful ones were the ones making their money off of the rest of the cult-followers trying to imitate their leaders.

Besides, I was too busy and too poor to befriend anyone. I had to be home with the kids and do everything from scratch because we didn't have the money for even extra gas to drive for a visit, or to buy lunch or a coffee with/for a friend.

I learned I can disagree without clutching pearls. God didn't call me to be right, but to be loving. He didn't call me to save souls. He called me to be a witness.

My ideology made me a charity

As I hash this newfound revelation out I assume it was a mix-up trifecta:

1. I grew up relatively poor and through that experience adopted a mindset that psycologists and sociologist would say is part of the cycle of poverty.

2. I grew up religious with a more conservative and traditional mindset, later adopting very traditional gender roles and the very conservative single-income, little to no higher education for women, certainly no career prospects, and homeschooling.

3. Because of the two situations, and as is popular in evangelical and even now secular America, I formed a moral basis and justification around my life situation that not only made me a martyr to it, but gave me the idea, the fear that God would either reward or punish me for how worldly I was or wasn't. I fully expected that God would bless us financially if I only behaved frugally enough.

I had read so many testimonies of conservative Christian women who "obeyed the calling of God for women" and faithfully stayed home, lived frugally, even in relative poverty for a while, homeschooled their kids, ate garbage and wore old clothes or homemade dresses, never saw a salon or hairdresser, etc, and God blessed them with a big fixed-up house and huge van or small bus for their families. I wasn't asking for a mansion and luxuries galore. I just didn't want to our debt to keep growing as emergencies kept befalling us. I didn't want to live in a house that was literally falling apart around us. I didn't want to be worried sick every time we got into a vehicle wondering if it was going to break down again and cost us so very much to tow and fix.

We just couldn't seem to get ahead, but the worst was I realized that our "faithful religious lifestyle" was keeping us a charity case. We couldn't help out others and were constantly in need of help.

Unfortunately, people got tired of helping us. It was all well and good when we had newborns and even if I was a career woman I would have been on maternity leave. People were compassionate then. But, once the kids were school-aged, patience ran out and help came in another form: "I'll give you a job."

Oh, those old Bible verses and conservative Christian viewpoints come roaring back. I feel like I'm abandoning my children, being materialistic, sinning.

But, I see other women, beautifual, wonderful women who work full time and are mothers. Their children are well-behaved, well-educated, well-rounded individuals who love their mothers and have a close-knit family life. I can't deny the reality I see even though the picture the conservative Christian position painted was that the boys were troubled, the girls sluts, the parents divorced, and the family going to burn in hell for not obeying traditional gender roles (ie. 1950's rose-colored Donna Reed ideologies).

Of course I still love traditional gender roles, and I do see a lot of benefit and still prefer that mother stays home. However, I cannot deny not only the realities of other healthy families and even history (women did work throughout history).

And I refuse to continue being a charity case and never being able to contribute charitably in order to hold on to an ideology that wasn't working and wasn't being blessed.

Joseph Most Chaste

One of the arguments evangelicals have against Mary's perpetual virginity is that they don't believe that Joseph was or could have been chaste. I remember hearing a sermon in the Assembly of God Church where the pastor said that there's no way Joseph could have endured a marriage to a beautiful young woman like Mary and not have sex with her.

That there is exactly the problem in the mindset of the evangelical church, and, in my opinion, a huge contribution to the oppression of women and the vast problems with sexuality within the evangelical church.

The leaders of the evangelical church are typically married men. They also have just as high a rate of pornography use as secular men. They also typically have terrible theology surrounding marriage and sexuality that has led to increasing compromisation of the marriage bed, marital rape, purity culture, and misogyny. Women are taught from a very young age to be the gatekeepers of relationships pre-marriage because "men can't help themselves." Therefore, Mary couldn't have remained a virgin because men can't help themselves. Joseph wouldn't have wanted or agreed to a celibate marriage because men can't help themselves.

What evangelicals completely ignore is that Mary and Joseph knew the greater thing. They were first-hand in the intimacy we have with Christ, the vision of Heaven (where we aren't given in marriage). I have heard evangelical men say they don't want to go to heaven if there's no sex. The evangelical world has made sex an idol so much so that it is beyond their comprehension to even fathom that Joseph was chaste and Mary pure.

Life was greater for them. They had purpose far beyond basic human reproduction. They had intimacy greater than sexual union. They had Jesus.

This is why so many evangelicals struggle sexually. This is why they turn blind eyes to sex before marriage. This is why wives are refusing sex in many evangelical marriages. This is why husbands are hooked on pornography and/or masturbation at alarming rates within the evangelical church. This is why some denominations allow for marital rape and brutally shame women for perceived immodesty in public and modesty in private. They refuse to believe that Joseph not only had self-control and chastity, but that He agreed to it and lovingly served within it. Willingly!

He is a model for husbands and fathers the world over. In a culture and even church culture that only teaches that men have sex drives that need satiating and refuses to teach men how to be chaste and have proper self control, you will find disregard for Mary and Joseph, and disregard for women in general.

We do a great dishonor to Joseph, Mary, and even Jesus to place our sex-sick cultural standards on the most holy people ever on earth.

Spiritual Abuse and Living in Fear

I love Jesus. I call myself a Christian and I take my Christianity seriously.

But, I haven't been reading the Bible because I don't feel I am at a place right now to read it.

"Oh, but you have to push through and read it anyway! It's a ploy of the devil to get you not to read the Bible."

And that's EXACTLY why I am not reading it right now, because it is steeped in fearmongering, and because verses and passages jump out at me like the punishing hand of an angry father.

That's how I know that I have endured spiritual abuse.

I live in fear. I flinch when I pray. My husband and I are discussing taking the giant leap of faith in doing a very much needed renovation on our house, but I am close to panic attacks thinking God's going to throw a wrench in it and ruin us, or at the very least allow Satan to mess it all up in a bid to strengthen our faith endurance. I worry that it's worldliness and sinful to take on such a project.

I endure guilt when I work, guilt when I stay home, guilt when I buy something new, guilt when I throw away moldy leftovers. In all these things I hear Bible verses. If something bad happens, it's either God allowing a faith-building trial or God punishing us for hidden sins. If I don't adhere to traditionalism or fundamentalism, I'm lukewarm and God'll spit me out. If I don't become a prepper God'll smite me in the End Times. If I pray too much I'm in "vain repetition." If I don't pray enough I'm not "praying without ceasing."

My faith path is littered with fears and what-ifs. What if I believe this wrongly, or that interpretation of scripture is all wrong and I end up hell bound? What if I am too scrupulous or strict and am alienating people? What if I'm not strict enough and being a stumbling block to others?

It's gotten to a point where I want to just step away from all of it. I don't want to listen to another opinion, another sermon or homily, another podcast, vlog, or read another article because they all just add to my confusion and anxiety.

Add in the socio-political insanity of today and I am downright mentally and spiritually exhausted.

I can see why some Christians have stepped away from organized religion, denominationalism, and politics. We just want to love Jesus and live in peace!

But, then we worry that in just wanting that we are ignoring the crises in the world and not doing our jobs.

I need a break. I need a guilt-free break from it all so I can come back better.

"I don't get anything out of Mass."

"I don't get anything out of Mass" is perhaps the worst excuse I hear, and I hear it often.

The reason you don't get anything about of Mass is because you don't want to. You don't put anything into it. You don't even try. You just sit there waiting to be spoon-fed a happy feeling or get zapped by some zeal that makes you feel good.

You go with an attitude. You go with doubt. You go with prejudice and even a sort of hatred towards the Mass and then wonder why everything goes in one ear and out the other.

If you knew. If you truly knew what the Mass was about, you'd get so very very much out of it. It would draw you in. It would call to you. It wouldn't be an obligation to go to Mass. It would be a gift and you'd desire it! You wouldn't be able to keep away and feel tremendous loss when you did keep away!

Oh, how much you miss, you willfully miss, because you bought the lie that church has to entertain you somehow.

It is the utmost of laziness to say you don't get anything out of the Mass as an excuse not to go and then do absolutely nothing to remedy it, and even stop anyone from attempting to help you.

At least be honest. You don't want anything out of Mass. You don't want it because deep in your spirit you know it to be true and you know that if you start "getting something out of Mass" you have to be responsible to it and grow. You don't want to do that because then it means taking a good hard look at yourself and seeing yourself for who you really are. You think that making changes and becoming more Godly will hurt you and make you take down that wall you built around yourself to protect yourself. If you become Catholic you have to stop your raging temper and foul language and all the other weapons in your armory that you use to protect yourself and make yourself feel strong so no one walks all over you.

You'd have to give up idle entertainments you use to mollify yourself and make you feel better about yourself.

Do you honestly think that God's ok with you just floating around in the world shirking your deeper duties and only having a vague belief in Him? Do you honestly think he's ok with you ignoring the roles He commands of you? So you tease and you joke that you're going to hell as if hell can't be any worse than your life right now. You are choosing to damn yourself and possibly your children.
Well, I have news for you. I've called upon Christ the King and His Joseph and Mary to needle you, to nag you. You play your junk music and idle videos loudly to drown out the sounds of faithfulness and goodness, but they are just earthly noise. Nothing can beat the Heavenly music. You shut yourself up and sleep long hours to avoid staring at the responsibilities before you that you don't want to face, but they will haunt your dreams. On Sunday mornings you will yearn and angst and feel itchy and make excuses to yourself, but you'll know your place is not just following me to Mass to leading all of us there. Soon, you'll throw on old jeans and boots and trudge along and plop yourself in the pew, telling yourself over and over again that you "don't get anything out of Mass." But soon, you'll be digging in the back of the closet looking for the suit that doesn't fit you. As you scold your daughter for not wearing a dress, you'll feel that sting in your own heart concerning your own dress, attendance, and participation.

I admit, I'm miffed, but determined and this is for your own good! The children will go where you lead. You know this, I know this, God knows this, and the devil knows this. You played the game in the protestant churches, partly for me, partly for yourself. And I appreciate any growth you got out of it. But, we both know what's Truth. Deep down we do. And it's time to stop fooling around and embrace it. It's time to stop dilly-dallying in the world, acting like a petulant, bored teenager trying to invent purpose and direction in life, and embrace what is REAL and TRUE and already our God-given calling.

Mary and Me

As I've written quite plainly, I was born and baptised Catholic, but was raised Assembly of God. It is no secret that Mary is almost a nobody in the Evangelical world, but even more so, Catholic devotion to Mary is taught as idol worship, even demonic!

When I began my journey Home to Rome, I knew Mary would be a big hurdle. My focus was more on Jesus and the Eucharist than it was on Mary. Catholics trying to be supportive assured me that any Marian devotion is non-obligatory other than celebrating required Feast Days.

Last month, in RCIA, my Faith Formation leader encouraged us to begin prayerfully considering our Confirmation Name. I had already mulled over several names in the past, but was surprised that I now drew blanks except for one name, Mary! No! I couldn't take the name name Mary! I'm hardly Marian material! I'm not a very good Catholic. I'm faulty, weak, sinful, and struggle so! I am not worthy of the name Mary!

But, there it is! Mary! Coupled with it is the strange, strong desire to consecrate myself to Mary. I think, "I can't do that! Imagine the scandal in my non and ex Catholic family!" I can be Catholic without much of any but the bare minimum focus on Mary. Yet again, there she is.

Yesterday, I went to Latin Mass for the Feast of the Immaculate Conception and there received my answer. As I watched my priest at the alter I wondered shyly what I would say to him concerning my name, Mary. It sounds so bold, so ostentatious! It's bad enough I'm one of the few women to veil at Mass, me not even able to take communion, but to then boldly take the name Mary?! Of all the saint names for ladies, I think I can take Mary! But, then I heard it. As I prayed at Mass at the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, I heard it. I'm not choosing the name, Mary. It has nothing to do with me or my choice of names. MARY IS GIVING HER NAME TO ME!

Mary, for whatever reason, is calling me. She is taking me under her mantle. Believe me, I would be content in my humanity and safer with my family if Mary stayed on the back burner. It's easier to choose another saint name. I already have the name of Tekakwitha, so it's no big deal. But, I feel it. I know it. Mary has given me her name and called me to her. Oh, I have a choice. She'll let me run, but I can't. I know that prompt, I know that feeling, I know that knowing and I know it would be wrong of me to ignore it.

I want to cry. I want to cry because I know how unworthy I am and how hard (and wonderful) this is going to be. I want to cry because I know people are going to think me immodest and holier-than-thou for daring to take the name Mary. I'll want to tell them, "I didn't choose the name Mary, she gave it to me! I can't help it!"

At Mass, I prayed and told Mary that I need a Catholic mother. My husband needs a Catholic mother. We lost ours when we were children. She needs to be that mother for us. She is that mother. I also need to be a Catholic mother and need her guidance because the last Catholic mother in my lineage died when I was in 5th grade.

I've had some marvelous encounters with Our Lady in my journey, and I'm sure many more will come. I think about my circumstances, my journey, and reflect on events, such as, why am I attending Mass at St. Mary's instead of the Catholic parish up the hill where the remaining Catholic members of my family attend? Why do I happen to live where there is a Marian shrine literally across the street from me?

The work of the Lord is amazing and I marvel that Christ, Himself has appointed His Mother to me.

Mary (N)ever Virgin?

Yesterday, on Called to Communion on EWTN, a caller asked where the origins of Mary having more children started. Dr. David Anders, in the short time he has to answer theological questions, stated that it originated during latter parts of the Reformation and really exploded in American Western Protestantism, especially Evangelicalism. He said it is also a by-product of an over-eroticism of marriage that occurred in Protestantism, and is perpetuated by the undertow within Protestantism that "if the Catholic Church teaches it, it must be untrue."

I want to focus on his second point.

One of the many reasons I left Evangelicalism behind is because of the heavily compromised and ever more worldly beliefs about human sexuality, and especially married sexuality. That is a very deep and disturbing box to unpack, and would involve language and understandings that, even put delicately, is embarrassing and difficult to express to a mixed, unknown public.

Part of this disturbing teaching, which isn't always overtly expressed in the pulpit, and, like many Evangelical heretical and damaging beliefs, is often preached against, while actually believed and practiced, is that (and yes, I heard this with my own ears) there's no way Joseph would have agreed to a celibate, abstinent marriage. In fact, he was OWED, yes OWED sex from his wife, Mary. Now, they believe he "held off sexual relations" until after her labor, delivery, and recovery, but as soon as she was purified under the Jewish ritual, it was honeymoon time! (They make it sound like it was a huge, holy sacrifice for Joseph to not have sex with Mary until after Jesus was born.) They honestly believe that not only was it impossible, but would have been WRONG for the Mother of our Living Savior to be married and stay a virgin because Joseph was owed sex by the very nature of his masculinity and libido. I actually heard this with my own ears, too: How could Joseph not have sex with this young, beautiful woman. He would have wanted to, and he did. It would have been torture to be married to this beautiful young woman and not have sex with her.

That is, indeed, Evangelical logic. Men, including St. Joseph, not only can't "help themselves" sexually, but are actually owed sex. No man, in his right mind, would agree to a sexless marriage.

Ironically, many Evangelical men complain that they are living in sexless marriages. Many Evangelical marriage books urge wives to "give their husbands sex" to fix all sorts of marriage, and yes, even his personal problems. Keep him sexually happy and you'll be less likely to deal with his immaturity, petulance, abuse, selfishness, laziness, indifference, adultery, the list goes on. Many advice articles encourage wives to service their husbands in sinful ways (spilling his seed) during times when she needs utmost care, such as difficult pregnancies and the post-partum recovery. These are prime times that Evangelical men turn to pornography and the preached antidote is for the wives to commit sexual acts that spill his seed outside of her body until that time she can receive him into her body again.

Evangelicals honestly cannot fathom that an able-bodied Joseph could have been holy enough to endure a chaste, celibate, abstinent marriage with Mary. That inability to believe and accept that Mary stayed Ever Virgin, and that Joseph was chaste, has tainted and destroyed healthy sexuality within Evangelical marriages.

Very few Evangelicals make it to their wedding day virgins.

Many Evangelicals believe that various sexual acts are not only allowable, but given by God, including sodomizing their wives. And wives who refuse these acts are sinning.

Many Evangelicals practice contraception and sterilization because it "enhances the marriage bed." Why? Because in the Evangelical mindset, the more sex that can be given to a husband without consequence (pregnancy) the better. Pregnancy, child-birth, and child rearing hinders that marital embrace. It reduces its frequency, and that is intolerable in the Evangelical mindset. They believe this in part because the men are too lazy to deal with their lust and lack of self-control. They put the onus on the wives to keep the male libido satisfied to help the men not to fall into temptations and sin.

Among Evangelicals are growing pockets of sexually perverse teachings that support polygamy, because a husband cannot be expected to go without sex too long. So, if wife 1 is recovering from childbirth, or has a headache, wife 2 is at the ready to fulfill his libido. There, too, is a growing acceptance towards certain pornographic material, and expecting wives to dress immodestly as he pleases, even in public, to fulfil his "God-given pleasure at seeing the female body." In tearing down Mary to mere every day girl who fulfilled Joseph's sexual needs, thinking of Mary sexually, Evangelical men have reduced all women to mere sexual beings. This is why a HUGE percentage of Evangelical men (especially pastors) have problems with pornography. It is now more widely accepted than ever that husbands may sodomize their wives in Evangelical marriages. Premarital sex is increasingly being seen as acceptable, because it is seen is an almost impossibility to maintain sexual self control. Sure, it's sinful, but God understands. He made us sexual, after all.

Virginity is also seen as an antiquated and quaint, but largely impossible state of being. On top of that, singleness has very little use. Men and women are expected to get married in evangelicalism. If you are single, there isn't much for you in evangelicalism. If you actually choose to be single, something is wrong with you. The idea that men and women can actually choose to be single AND celibate is beyond Evangelical comprehension. They are the first to ask Catholic priests, monks, and nuns how they can live without sex. In a conversation with an Evangelical marriage blogger, he insisted that celibate Catholic men are extremely rare and that almost all priests and monks at least masturbate regularly (but just don't tell anyone). Why? Because it is impossible in the mind of an Evangelical for someone to have sexual self-control. And that includes the mother and earthly father of our SAVIOR.

I couldn't abide by the growing sinfulness and utterly lost attitudes towards human and married sexuality in Evangelicalism. The disrespect towards women and loss of self respect and self control among the men grew more and more sickening to me. In getting over the hurdle of Mary being ever-virgin, I had to address the Evangelical teachings and mindsets in my own head.

Evangelicals won't believe in Mary's ever-virginity because it forces them to address their own wrongful ideas about human and married sexuality. It forces them to address their own lusts, selfishness, and lack of self-control. They are afraid it will humble them to true repentance which would mean giving up their frequent pleasures in favor of holiness.