Fasting

Fasting was never something I really felt compelled to do.  It didn't really make sense to me in Protestantism.  With the emphasis on faith and not on works, on not being able to earn "brownie points," and on our own actions not having any special significance (because it all comes from God), fasting just felt like a fad or gimmick and not really necessary.

Once in a while the pastor would call upon us to fast about something, but it was a strange commitment and not one I could ever adhere to.  And to what purpose?  If Christ redeemed all and all we need to do is go to Him, then to what purpose is fasting other than it is mentioned in the Bible?  No clear doctrine was ever preached to me.

On top of that, the entire idea of mortifying yourself or making a self sacrifice was just all too Catholic.  I never understood how they would say Catholics were wrong in this, and yet push us to fast.

Today, though, my paradigm has shifted some.  Strangely enough I actually want to fast, and imagine my surprise when I was guided on how I can fast!  Catholicism opens the door to fasting wide, and creates this joy around it that I find so beautiful and peaceful.

I started with the no meat on Friday.  That was simple enough.  However, I felt it wasn't enough.  So many things are affect by fasting and prayer that I needed to add another day of self-discipline and mortification.

I admit that I am a wuss at fasting.  On top of that I do have a medical issue that requires eating and a job that needs me functioning.  I was told by some lovely Catholic ladies that I can indeed eat during a fast, and can choose something other than food to give up.  I decided to do the following every Wednesday:

1.  No facebook (except for what is absolutely needed for my businesses)
2.  Food restrictions

For the food restrictions, I cannot have any goodies.  No coffee (tea is ok, preferably herbal).  Breakfast and lunch will be cold cereal.  I chose cold cereal because it requires no thought or preparation that takes up time.  I was going to do plain oatmeal and brothy soup, but I decided it was an added thought, effort, and expense.  I needed simple meals with no thought or effort used to create them.  I will have a normal dinner with my family, but no dessert.  Needed snacks are to be simple fruits or vegetables, plain and raw.  Today, I did have a plain yogurt, but mostly because I had a health symptom flare up that needed the probiotics.

My First Adoration

Last Friday I attended my first Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament.  A phenomenon occurred that has me pondering what it could have been.  While looking at the Blessed Sacrament in the Monstrance, a fog would form at the edges of my vision and move inward toward the Monstrance filling in my vision with a sort of fog or haze.  Thinking it was just me staring too hard, I double checked my vision on other objects approximately the same size around the room, but no fog.  I also attempted to will it away, thinking maybe I was subconsciously making it up or willing there be no fog while looking elsewhere, and yet it still happened.  Over and over again.

At one point it overwhelmed me and I couldn't bear to look at the Blessed Sacrament for a little while.  So, I humbled myself in prayer, head bowed, eyes closed.  I felt a nudge to look again, but was too scared to.  It took strength to look again, and as before, the fog.

Praying before the Blessed Sacrament was both filling and tiring.  It took a lot out of me spiritually, but added so much.

If I am going to be honest I cannot fully say 100% that I believe in the Real Presence just yet, but I am praying, asking, and seeking the Truth on the matter with God.  I figure the more I spend before the Blessed Sacrament, or at least in focused prayer, the more likely I am to receive my answers.

Understanding Faith and Works

In the Baptist church we attend we are studying Galatians with Baptist glasses on.  That is, it is drilled into us every Sunday that we cannot lose our salvation and it is only God's grace through our faith that saves us.  We can't "work" our way to Heaven.

I can barely sit through a sermon.

Does not compute!

I am not nor have I ever been a believer of "once saved always saved."  And while I have floundered a little on the faith-alone doctrine, overall, I do believe that our works means and merits something towards our final salvation or damnation.

I'm still struggling with fully understanding it in 3 ways:  The Catholic way, the Assemblies of God way (how I grew up), and the Baptist way.

In the Baptist church we are constantly reminded that "our righteousness is as filthy rags," and it is presented to us that even our best behavior is nothing more than used toilet paper to God.  That makes me want to pound my head against a brick wall.  I just can't understand or accept that!  Surely when I am in His Will it is a sweet savor to Him?  Isn't it?

I think Baptists over-simplify and don't take it into an overall deeper context.  I think they see "our righteousness" and consider it anything we do, when really perhaps it means what we do on our own.  I figured it this way:

When my oldest son was around 7 or 8 years old he got into a habit of benevolent disobedience.  Let me explain.  I would ask him to pick up his legos and he would fix the beds, instead.  I would tell him to feed the chickens and he would rake the leaves, instead.  When I confronted him on his disobedience to me, he would point out the good works he did.  I would remind him that while it was very nice that he fixed the beds and raked the leaves, he still disobeyed me by not doing what I told him to do.  I didn't want to squelch his good works, but eventually it got so bad that I had to discipline him for disobedience!

His own righteousness wasn't entirely good.  To me, it was useless.  I needed legos picked up, not the beds fixed.  The chickens were starving for their breakfast.  The leaves could wait.  His good works were useless.  However, if he obeyed me and picked up the legos and fed the chickens, then his good works would be a sweet savor to me, a balm, a blessing, and he would have merited great favor and reward for his obedience.

Jesus died on the cross for our sins.  That's where salvation is.  Many of the Jewish people would not accept that for their salvation and would point out their following the Law, instead.  They were corrected:  the Law cannot save you.  Jesus does.  Jesus is the legos.  The Law is fixing the bed.  You need to pick up legos.

But, I think that's where Baptists get stuck.  The salvation is in the legos!  But, they don't always pick them up.  They just point to the legos and say the salvation is there.  Why?  Because picking up the legos is "works."  And works don't save, right?  Or, they may pick up the legos but say that salvation wasn't in picking up the legos but only in recognizing that they needed to be picked up.

You know how they say love is a verb?  Well, so is faith.  And faith includes works, which is what the Catholics believe.  They believe that God gave us a job to do alongside salvation.  And if we don't do it according to His will and our abilities, we are useless.  What good is recognizing that the legos need picking up if you don't pick them up?

Baptists believe you are still saved, even if you don't pick them up because you recognize that they need to be picked up.
Catholics believe you are not saved unless you pick them up.

Think of it this way, too:  You can love your spouse in your heart all you want, but it means nothing to them unless you act upon it.  Works.  You have to work at your marriage.  You have to do their will, fulfill their needs, obey the Word of the Lord concerning the boundaries surrounding Godly marriage.  If you don't, what good are you?

The More I Go the More I Want to Go

The more I go to Mass the more I want to go again.  I cannot attend most week day Masses because my kids have to get on the school bus halfway through Mass, but if there was a way I would attend as often as possible.

People complain about the obligation to go to Mass, but if I could rearrange my entire life to get there as much as possible and fulfill the daily rosary, an hour of prayer and contemplation, at least bi-weekly confession, weekly Adoration, I would.  I get so much out of it all, it is a peace and a spiritual walk I have been seeking my entire life.  The quietude, the contemplation, the reverence, the peace....

I Have a Say in My Life

My husband was called away to work this morning, so it was just the kids and me getting ready for church.  I wanted to go to Mass, but the kids always go to the Baptist church with hubby and me.  I was beginning to stress out about how I would manage both churches without hubby's help.  Also, it is getting harder to go to both churches every Sunday because it feels like a tug-of-war between the differing theologies and both subtly speaking out against the other (in general Cath vs Prot terms, not specifically the two churches battling).

As I struggled with what to do and worrying about my kids protests, I realized something.  I'm almost 40 years old and I realized this:  I have a say in my own life.  I have the decision making power here.  I am the mom and what I say goes.

So, I flat out told my children that their choices for the day was between two local Catholic churches.  My oldest chose one I had never been to before, and that was our adventure.  They protested very little and we generally well behaved during Mass.  They asked questions afterwards and all said they liked it, though it felt long to them (it's shorter than any Protestant service we've attended, but I think not understanding how to follow along made it difficult for them to feel involved).  It's also hard, I know, because in evangelical churches they tend to keep your attention by relaxing etiquette and spoon-feeding you on a more entertaining level.  Music is modern and upbeat.  Sermons contain jokes or object lessons.  Kids can go to children's church, or stay in service, but color, draw, flop around the pews, and take a million bathroom breaks.

Anyhow, it was quite freeing to realize I have the choice in the matter.  Who is anyone to say that I cannot or should not pursue Catholicism when it has already benefitted me so much?  I've always followed my family, spiritually, socially, politically, and have always tried to not be an upstart or a bother to people.  It is a great challenge for me to go against them and their expectations of me.  I know they won't understand how I can begin to believe Catholic theology.  Some, I suspect, even still believe Catholicism is the Whore of Babylon, so they would think I was throwing myself into Satanism in sheep's clothing.

But, I have a say in my life.  Simple as that.  

Mother May I?

Perhaps the number one struggle of any new or seeking convert is the theology of Mary.  Real Presence, Saints, and the Catholic view of grace and salvation are also big issues to overcome.

I'm not struggling with Marian theology in that I can't wrap my head around it.  I have read articles, and listened to numerous homilies and podcasts on the subject.  I can fully accept the theology no problem....if it is True.

That's the clincher for me.  Is Mary as the Catholic Church says she is?  I must know from Mother, herself.

There is just too much at stake here, and I simply no longer trust man, denominations, or myself.

I have humbly asked Mary for a small favor/miracle, to show me that she is who the Catholic Church says she is.  If I receive this favor I will have to become Catholic.

But, what happens if I do not receive this favor?!  I have a pit in my stomach just thinking about it, and I sincerely hope Mary pulls through and gives me what I asked because I don't know what I'd do otherwise.  I would be lost.  Back to square one of my journey.

I am trying to be patient.  I asked Mary to grant this favor before the end of the year and I trust that any waiting I am doing is actually preparation.  I admit that part of needing this favor is to have a bone to throw to the any opposition I get from my Protestant family (who will likely say it is either a coincidence or that Satan could grant this favor and pretend it was Mary, but for me, I will know because I asked her, myself).

My heart aches for this to come to pass.  Almost every day I look around and wonder, "will this be it?  Here's an opportunity!  It's just a simple thing, plausible, please grant it and give me my answer I so desperately need!"

My whole journey has been seeking original truth about how I am to love and serve and worship God here on earth.  What did He establish before He ascended to Heaven?  I think I may have found it, but I just need this key to the last lock.

Mother Mary, please grant me my plea.  If you do not it means you are not there and I am once again lost.  Jesus, I seek Your Truth and only Your Truth.  Have you established Your Mother as Queen of Heaven?  If so, please, with her, grant me the favor I ask.

In the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost, Amen.