My Personal Modest Rules for Mass

Christ is Christ, the Eucharist is the Eucharist whether one attends the Novus Ordo Mass or the Traditional Latin Mass.  Therefore, I personally feel I should uphold the same modesty standards regardless of which Mass I attend.

Here are some of my personal rules.  Now, don't think I am judging you because I have these rules for myself.  (Ok, to be honest, I do have a bit of trouble being judgemental towards how people dress or behave for Mass, but I am sincerely working on minding my own beeswax.)

1.  Headcovering.  I can't get around it.  The explanations I have received through Sensus Fidelium about headcovering in Mass have so thoroughly explained 1 Corinthians 11 that I do not feel I can go without covering.  Now, currently, because I am not yet a confirmed Catholic, and because no one else in the parish covers (that I know), I don't want to stand out like a sore thumb or come off as pretentious, so instead of a traditional mantilla at the Novus Ordo (we only have TLM a few times per month) I wear a wide headband that can expand to cover my head.

2.  Feminine Attire.  I grew up, even in the Assembly of God Church, with the teaching that a lady wears a dress or skirt to church.  I have very rarely veered from this no matter which church I have attended.  I do have more strict sub-rules to this than I do in the Evangelical churches.

     A. At the very least to the knees, but preferably to the middle or below the knees.  Thigh should not be seen when seated, standing or kneeling.
     B. No sleeveless dresses.  A blouse can be worn beneath or a cardigan on top, but one ought to wear sleeves.
     C. Lace or sheer fabrics must be tasteful and not lure the eye towards what lies beneath, but it is safest to avoid any such fabrics on the main body of the garment.
     D.  Necklines must be no lower than 4 finger widths below the collar bones.  No cleavage or exposed plump of breast should be seen.
     E.  Skin tight should never happen, even if it is a turtle neck.
     F.  Pencil or wiggle skirts should be avoided as they hug the curves and make genuflecting more of a challenge.
     G.  Jewelry should be kept tasteful and minimal and noiseless.  Clattering bangles are a no-no.  Large earrings, loud colors, fingers covered in rings, flashy necklaces...nope.
     H.  Hosiery ought to be worn.  In the heat of the summer I don't tend to wear hosiery.  In some cultural circumstances the hosiery can be more a distraction and stumbling block than going bare-calfed.  After Labor Day I'll likely return to hosiery.

     I.  Close-toed shoes.  It just doesn't seem appropriate to me to wear open-toed shoes.  Even in work environments the dress code is typically close-toed.  Open toes are for dates and beaches and social events.  Not Mass.
     J. Modest heels or flats.  Say no to stilettoes.  I prefer a wider, lower heel (2") or kitten heel, and I try to wear basic pumps or mary janes or oxfords or ballet flats.  I'm not cat-walking down a fashion runway.  I am walking down the aisle during Mass.
     K. Slips and appropriate undergarments.  Comfortable panties (no wedgies during Mass), appropriate colored bras so they don't show through, and slips ensure modesty.

3.  Don't make noise.  I feel horrible for my parish priest because the parishoners like to slam the kneelers up and down.  BANG.  BANG.  BANG.  There is absolutely no reason or need to do that.  Even my 6 year old can raise and lower the kneeler silently.  I also try not to rattle my keys, crinkle the pages of the missal, or creak the pew.

4.  Don't wiggle.  This one is hard for me.  Out of bad habit I tend to sway a little when I stand.  I'm working on stopping that habit because it is distracting not only to me, but I am sure to those around me.

5.  Hair.  I'm old fashioned and I'm approaching 40 years old.  It seems more appropriate for me to wear my hair up than let it "flow and show."  I have long hair and it is eye-catching.  This isn't a hard and fast rule.  Some outfits and times it actually seems more modest and less showy to wear my hair down.  If I do wear it up, I try to keep it classic and not showy.  This is easy to do because I attend 8 AM Mass and I just don't have time to curl it and do anything fancy.

6.  Don't Talk!  I broke this rule at the Assumption of Mary Mass!  I had literally just posted a Sensus Fidelium lecture about why Catholics are silent in the church and about respect and not chattering before, during, or after Mass in the sanctuary.  Well, I saw someone I knew and hadn't seen in a while and out it came!  Words!  I didn't realize my faux pas until we parted ways outside the church doors.  Well, I learned my lesson.

7.  Don't Rubber Neck.  This one I am still working on.  I admit I do have a little problem with being judgmental and curious.  The other issue is that I am still unfamiliar with all that the Mass entails so I have to follow along and parrot, which is ok, but can breed a habit of rubber-necking.  I'll also notice something of someone else and find my mind starts to drift.

These are just my rules for myself.  Sensus Fidelium has a great series on Modesty on YouTube.  Check it out!

Confession from the Perspective of an Evangelical

Confession is one of those hot-button topics in the Prot v Cat debate circles.  Prots believe that all we have to do is confess to God.  We don't need a priest.  We don't need penance and reparation.

"If we confess our sins He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." 1 John 1:9

So many Catholics have abandoned going to confession.  They have taken on the Protestant notion that they don't need to confess to a priest.  All that we are required to do is confess to God and we are forgiven.

I'm going to admit that right at this moment I am not entirely convinced that we absolutely MUST go to confession in a Roman Catholic Church and receive absolution from a priest in order to be forgiven by God and cleansed of our sins.  I admit that I am not well-versed at all in deep Catholic doctrine concerning confession.

However, I encourage Catholics to not abandon this sacrament.  And here's why in my Evangelical background opinion:

1.  Facing our Sin.  The reason I think those Catholics abandon the sacrament of confession, and the reason why Protestants raise their hackles about confession is that we humans don't want to admit our faults and sins to others.  It is humbling.  It is scary.  It is so much easier to just keep it secret!  We convince ourselves that "God knows and forgives," but really, the heart behind it is fear of being found out.  Or even fear of having to face the understanding that what we are doing is actually a sin!  We excuse so much!  When we have to actually speak it to someone, get on our knees and confess, it really opens us up to so much...including true forgiveness and healing.

2.  Accountability.  It is a fact that if you have to confess your faults to someone in person you are FAR less likely to repeat the offense.  So many Evangelicals are steeped in besetting sins and can't seem to escape out of the abyss.  They face the confusion of the belief that they are "once saved, always saved" but that the Bible says if you are involved in these sins you cannot enter the Kingdom of Heaven.  (Galatians 5:19-21)  Going to confession can be a powerful step to help someone get out of such patterns of sinfulness.

3.  It is a Gift from God.  The priest is acting in persona Christi, which means you ARE confessing to God alone.  But God has given us this priest to work through, to be a physical, tangible presence so we aren't just blowing in the wind and wondering what has become of our words.  The priest also offers us balance in penance and reparation so that we don't do too little, or nothing at all to make amends, or so we don't go too far and beat ourselves up.  These are gifts to set our hearts and lives and minds in order out of the disorder from sin.  It is redirection back to the things of the Lord rather than things of this world.

I do believe that someone can pray to God and ask forgiveness for their sins and receive it without a priest and without a confessional.  I believe there are instances of ignorance or impossibility where God honors their true repentant heart.  But, I highly doubt that is the heart and reason behind why so many Catholics abandon confession, and why so many Protestants refuse to believe in it.  We just don't want to speak outloud our filth.  

Why Modesty? Different Reason.

Christian modesty across denominations is typically enforced by saying it helps keep men from temptation.  Men are visual creatures, more prone to lust, God made men attracted to women, so cover up those bodies, ladies.  Don't be a stumbling block!

That reason has been pounded into women for decades to the point where it isn't even really heard anymore.  Thus, so many women have gone their own way and told men to control themselves.

However, let us step away from our brothers for a bit.  Modesty is still important!  Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater!

Did you know that we should dress modestly as women for our sisters?

Yes!

We can be a stumbling block for our sisters in Christ by dressing immodestly, showing off our flesh, our physical beauty and "assets."

It's a harsh world out there for women.  It makes it even more harsh when a woman flaunts her body. I admit, it is very hard for me to feel beautiful before my husband when we've been assaulted by half-naked women just going grocery shopping.  It tempts a woman to envy, covetousness, and dissatisfaction with herself.  Yes, we are in control of ourselves, but we are also responsible for how we cause issues for our fellow human beings.

If you are sick of the whole "don't cause men to lust" argument about dressing modestly and just wish men would keep their eyeballs to themselves, please consider our fellow women.  We go through so many changes in life.  So many fears and issues, discomforts and insecurities.  It really would go a long way to helping our struggling sisters if we just dressed with decency and dignity.  It levels the field, so to speak.  It takes the focus off of our body parts and onto our humanity.  It encourages the unsure, the awkward, the confused, the complacent to know that it is ok and beautiful to dress well, to cover up.

Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil

I was praying the Our Father this morning where this portion really stood out:

"Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil"

I felt grief over it because of something that so many of us do, and so many professing Catholics and Christians continue to do without discernment or repentance.

We pray this prayer and yet we allow temptation and evil right into our homes, right into our minds!

Yes, I am talking about media:  TV, magazines, books, movies, video games, music, social media, memes, apps, and advertisements.

Now, before I go any further with this rant of sorts I remind myself that we have differing levels of sensitivities to such things.  I am more sensitive than most, so I have to work on not being judgmental towards those who may watch something I wouldn't be able to stomach."

However, I do believe there ought to be guidelines.  I think it is outright obvious that shows like Game of Thrones should not be watched by any professing Christian.  If you do not feel convicted about that show I do wonder about your walk with Christ and compromises in your life.  I also think that binge-watching is not a prudent use of one's gift of time on this earth.  This is self-convicting because while I don't binge-watch TV shows, I do find myself wasting time mindlessly scrolling through facebook.  I am actively working on stopping that and will confess that.

Fr. Chad Ripperger has a youtube video that gives some practical guidelines for Catholics concerning TV and movies:

I really really encourage all who follow Christ to prayerfully and carefully reconsider what they allow into their homes and set before their eyes.  Even if you fast forward through the sex scene or look away from the gore or know that the celebrated sin is a sin and you wouldn't do that, the movie industry doesn't know that you averted your eyes.  All they know is that you paid good money or supported through viewing what they put out and that means they should put out more of it, push the envelope further, allow more compromise, more sin, more normalcy of deviancy into their shows.

Just look at History Channel or Discovery!  They've gone from documentaries worthy of lecture halls in the world's most prestigious universities to conspiracy theories, fake news, and false-intensity lame programming that just repeats the same format.  We've gone from charming TV shows of relatable characters to the sex, blood, gore, greed, fantasy, and deviancy of so many TV shows of today.  And if that's not bad enough the commercials are vile.  Most of the time you can't even remember what they are advertising for!

I'm just as convicted!  My kids can operate a zombie game on their tablets like it is nothing, but reading a chapter in a classic novel is like pulling teeth.  They can discuss the kids on youtube playing Minecraft, but complain about going to church and just say, "I don't know," when asked what they learned there.  They can enjoy hours of Teen Titans Go (which I do think is cleverly written, but really, it is just fun, idle entertainment and certainly not for binging upon) but are bored to tears over a fascinating documentary on a subject children should find intriguing.

It makes us weird.  I know.  We don't fit in with normal society as well, but that's just it.  Normal society isn't normal!  It's a deficiency!  It is mistaken!  It is wrong!  If all we have to talk about around the water cooler is the latest 50 Shades of Grey movie, or what went wrong with Star Wars, or how to beat the latest Halo game, then we have become stupid.  Utterly stupid.  This is not what God gave us brains for.

Friendships have been broken up over Twilight!  Marriages have suffered from the porn-filled movies and TV shows out there now, or from video game addiction.  Psychologists are busy with people dissatisfied with their lives and the rampant escape from reality that we Westerners so heavily indulge in.  This is evil.  This is how evil works.  This is how evil infiltrates.  This is how evil gets into the homes and creates pockets of rot that we slowly come to accept as normal, neuro-typical, and even developmentally appropriate.

If you truly pray Lead us not into temptation, then LISTEN to the Holy Spirit!  Heed those convictions!  How can He deliver us from evil when we are the very ones opening the doors and letting evil in and giving it the seat of honor!?

Turn off the TV.  Turn off the smartphone.  Delete the apps and video games.  Save binge-watching for when you have the flu and even then be careful what you watch.

And remember, we should not be entertained by what the Lord calls sin.

Your Excuse to Leave is My Reason to Enter

The recent news of the Catholic Church's clerical sex abuse scandals and subsequent cover ups has a lot of people in and out of the Roman Catholic Church understandably hurting and confused.  Whether or not they suffered abuse or know someone who did, people are feeling the horror of this situation.  Unfortunately, this is causing some to leave the Roman Catholic Church.

For some, the abuse was so horrifying that it scattered the sheep.  My heart goes out to them.  But, I am also seeing this abuse scandal being used by the chaff as an excuse to remove themselves from their holy obligations.  They don't want to be seen as bad people for leaving the Church, so they are taking opportunity to utilize the pain of others as reasonable excuse to walk away.  To them I say shame, and you are doing exactly what the Evil set out to do.

It's bad enough that this evil has scattered the victims and their families away.  At least that is understandable as they work through this pain.  But, to blatantly allow this evil to be your excuse to bow out of your holy obligations to make yourself look better is just wrong.

I've had some concerned Catholic friends a bit worried that the latest news would drive me away from my own seeking and Mass attendance.  I assured them otherwise.  If anything, this scandal has increased my desire to enter the Church.

If the Roman Catholic Church is so false and unbiblical, then why has it stood solid for 2000 years?  This isn't it's first rodeo with the infiltration of the wicked.  The enemy attacks that which belongs to the Lord.

This reason piggy backs something I learned about Satanism.  I'm talking true Satanism, not the teenage sub culture of aesthetics that kids experiment with.  The goal of these people who worship and are utilized by Satan is to be the complete 180 of that which is Godly.  To desecrate that which is holy and sacred is their goal.

So, do Satanists have Black Worship Services?  No.  They have Black Mass.  Do they desecrate crackers and grape juice?  No.  They steal the Eucharist and desecrate the body, blood, soul, and divinity of Jesus.  They have their own sacraments.  They largely go after Catholic and Orthodox Churches with vengeance.

Seeing and learning all this really has me thinking.  If the Catholic Church isn't of the Lord, then why is evil trying so hard to mimic it in mockery and infiltrate it to destroy it?

This makes me want to join.  This makes me want to pray fervently.  This makes me want to seek the closest I can get to the original, the traditional, the most holy, the most sacred.

The Humbling Beauty of the Holy Cloak Novena

Today is day 30 of the Holy Cloak Novena that I have been praying.  When I started my intentions were outward.  As it went on I added an intention for my own improvement.  May I be a Marian wife and mother.  Even on this blog I posted the litany of St. Joseph with admonitions towards men to emulate the Blessed Spouse of the Virgin Mary.

There is something else within the Holy Cloak Novena that would have brought me to my knees if I wasn't already on them.  There is a section that humbled and convicted me, and blessed me as I prayed the words:

In Honor of St. Joseph's Hidden Life with Jesus and Mary:

St. Joseph, grant that Jesus may come into my soul and sanctify me.To be consecrated is a big deal!  May I be set apart, holy.  May Jesus be the author and finisher of my life.

St. Joseph, grant that Jesus may come into my heart and inspire it with charity.I am selfish.  Having been a charity-case for so many years I have developed a sense of entitlement.  You have more, I have less, you give to me.  I am grateful, yes, but give.  May I learn to give and love.

St. Joseph, grant that Jesus may come into my mind and enlighten it.I want to be enlightened in the Truth.  I only seek God's Truth.

St. Joseph, grant that Jesus may guide my will and strengthen it.I am a coward.  I need this.

St. Joseph, grant that Jesus may direct my thoughts and purify them.
It is scary how much evil just comes naturally to my mind.  Judgements, foul language, selfish thoughts, envyings, dirty jokes, innuendos, vain imaginations.  I want them gone!  Purify me.

St. Joseph, grant that Jesus may guide my desires and direct them. Help me to distinguish between my own vanity and Your leading.  May I not desire earthly gain.

St. Joseph, grant that Jesus may look upon my deeds and extend His blessing.This one is very humbling because am I even doing deeds worthy of blessing?  Is a nugget here and crumb there worthy of blessing?  Are my weak and distracted prayers worthy of blessing?  Thank God He is a good, good Father who is merciful.

St. Joseph, grant that Jesus may inflame me with love for Him. Yes!  I want to Love Him above all!

St. Joseph, obtain for me from Jesus the imitation of your virtues. Who can find a virtuous woman?  May one be found here for Your glory and for the benefit of my family.

St. Joseph, obtain for me from Jesus true humility of spirit. Rampant individualism and "girl power" puts a lot of pressure on me to want to be cocky and self-assured.  May I be humble, instead.

St. Joseph, obtain for me from Jesus meekness of heart.I am not here to trample over others or have my way or be right all the time and gain in society.

St. Joseph, obtain for me from Jesus peace of soul.I yearn for peace of soul.  The turmoil of Protestantism is still a struggle as I deal with all the dissenting voices in my head from all I have learned for and against Catholicism.

St. Joseph, obtain for me from Jesus a holy fear of the Lord. I so appreciate Catholic reverence for our Savior.  Evangelicalism has emphasized Christ's buddy-buddy love for us so much that it feels like reverence for Him has been forgotten.  Thus, people no longer fear Him.  How can such a buddy-buddy Jesus allow people to descend into hell fire?  Why would such a buddy-buddy Jesus allow for there to be a hell at all?  I wish to revere Jesus to the best of my ability.

St. Joseph, obtain for me from Jesus a desire for protection. Sometimes we don't ask for protection because we want the evil.  It's like not putting a filter on a porn-addict's smart phone because then they not only have a chance of seeing the smut again, but an excuse for when they fall.  Protect me from evil, dear Lord!

St. Joseph, obtain for me from Jesus a gentleness of character. I have become harsh over the years.  Stress, abuse, fear, being stretched thin and worn down, confused, and failing have roughened my once smooth and soft edges.  I have taken on masculine characteristic.  Even my walk is more lumbering and less feminine.  I yearn for gentleness and being a beautiful, safe, graceful haven for my family.

St. Joseph, obtain for me from Jesus a pure and charitable heart. Help me to give without seeking gain.

St. Joseph, obtain for me from Jesus a holy acceptance of suffering. Biggie here, but I love this.  I love that Catholicism encourages a usefulness to suffering for the glory of God!

St. Joseph, obtain for me from Jesus the wisdom of faith.To learn wisdom, to know the true path, the truth, the black and white!

St. Joseph, obtain for me from Jesus His blessing of perseverance in my good deeds.Help me not to be weary in well doing.

St. Joseph, obtain for me from Jesus the strength to carry my crosses.I may have PTSD from things I dealt with several years ago so anything that stresses me becomes a crisis reaction and I freak out and then shut down.  I need strength to carry my crosses rather than throwing them to the ground and pitching a fit.

St. Joseph, obtain for me from Jesus a disdain for the material goods of this world.Help me not to covet and waste, but to be thoughtful and careful and a good steward.

St. Joseph, obtain for me from Jesus the grace to always walk on the narrow path towards Heaven.Yes!  This is what I've always wanted!

St. Joseph, obtain for me from Jesus the grace to avoid all occasion of sin.Laziness is often the path towards inviting occasions of sin.  May I be diligent, instead.

St. Joseph, obtain for me from Jesus a holy desire for eternal bliss.Just the other night I was lamenting my wasting of the years of my life.  I haven't really done much or accomplished much or have big memories of grand things.  I actually started getting upset about it. I'm a simpleton and have lived in or near first world poverty most of my life.  Amid the rest of the western world it can seem like my life is meaningless and wasted.  Not so, dear Lord.  My aim is higher.  

St. Joseph, obtain for me from Jesus the grace of final perseverance. Help me not give up the race just before the finish line.

St. Joseph, do not abandon me.I need all the help I can get!

St. Joseph, grant that my heart may never cease to love you and that my lips may ever praise you. Learning to love the saints is a big deal.  It is humbling and, yes, a little scary.  One cannot be a spiritual island in Catholicism.  We have too many people to love.

St. Joseph, for the love you bore for Jesus, grant that I may learn to love Him.To love Jesus as much as we can as He deserves means emptying ourselves of ourselves.  That's a hard thing.  Help me to learn to do so.

St. Joseph, graciously accept me as your devoted servant.Another humbling prayer, to get out of ourselves and put ourselves in another's service, especially since just before my researching into Catholicism I got into this new Evangelicalism that really pushed women to take charge of their lives and demand respect and getting their way.

St. Joseph, I give myself to you; accept my pleas and hear my prayers.I cannot do this on my own.  More humbling.

St. Joseph, do not abandon me at the hour of my death.
Again, not an island.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph, I give you my heart and my soul.  

The Blessing of "Catholic Guilt"

One of the things that had me lost in Protestantism is the vast differences of interpretations not only from denomination to denomination, but from church to church, from person to person.  I can't tell you how many times I had said out loud and in prayer, "I wish there was a rule book so I knew what exactly I should do and shouldn't do!"

Protestants insist that God isn't that restrictive, or it's in the Bible, or the Holy Spirit will tell me.  Then, I encountered so many people who believed that what I felt was sin was not sin at all!  When I said as much I was told, "well, that's just your conviction or interpretation.  If you feel it is a sin and commit it, then it is a sin.  But, if you don't feel it is a sin and the Bible isn't clear on it, then it isn't a sin."  WHAT!?  Surely, sin is sin no matter who does it or how they feel about it!  I do agree that there are some gray areas, areas that fall into conviction, such as wearing only long dresses or completely abstaining from alcohol.  But, the idea that our sin is up to our personal interpretation did not settle with me.

On top of that I was confused as to what a holy life looked like.  With no liturgy, order, and so much left to personal interpretation I was lost.  How do I know if my life is pleasing to God or an offending odor?!  A little leaven leavens the whole lump.  How do I know if I have some leaven?  What good is the Holy Spirit telling me if what He says to one personal isn't the same as to another?  How can He tell me that sodomy in marriage is sin, but tell another that anything in the marriage bed is permissible, including sodomizing your wife?  We're not talking about the difference between finger widths of necklines here!

There HAS to be an authority on this, I thought.  The Bible does seem to leave some up to interpretation, so what did the original church practice and preach?  How did they answer these burning questions and cultural differences?

Oh wait...that removes sola scriptura!

And then I find a Catechism.  Bliss!!  My rule book!!  My questions answered!  Authority before the Lord Jesus Christ HAS established exactly what I am looking for!  I don't find it restrictive.  I find it freeing!!

And oh, the Catholic guilt!  That beautiful Catholic guilt!  I can see plain as day what is right and wrong, where I am lacking and improving, where I am holy and receiving blessings, and where I am unholy and receiving my due consequences.  I find I desire confession.  I desire an ordered life.  I desire liturgy.  No more questioning.  No more arguing.  No more confusion.  No more one-woman show where anyone and everyone can argue against my beliefs.  I can point over to the Catechism and up to Heaven and around to my Priest and all the way across the ocean to the Pope.  I have back up. 

The Tongues Decision

This post will make any Pentecostals in my circle unhappy.  But, I would rather follow the leading of great prayer, research, history, and discussion with my husband, and my own conscience than give in to the pressures of one denomination I am not even a part of anymore.

Yes, I have decided to no longer speak in tongues.

I listened to two lectures by Catholic priests (one a leading exorcist) on YouTube and they both brought up key points that really stuck with me.  I felt strongly that I needed to discuss this with my husband.  He had not received the gift of tongues in our Assembly of God church, but was pressured to.  We only talked on it a little in the past.  Of course, I had fallen into the idea that he just didn't want it enough or wasn't willing to give up control (Lord, forgive me).  He explained to me that he did not feel comfortable at all with the pressure to perform.

Anyhow, the 3 key points I shared with hubby are as follows:

1.  Not everyone receives every gift.  The gift of tongues is not universal.

Fr. Ripperger stated that Pentecostals do not have the correct understanding of graces and gifts.  They aren't universally given.  Pentecostals believe that speaking in tongues is the one gift that every Christian can receive.  It then becomes a frustration to Pentecostals who do not receive any tongues manifestation.  There are testimonies of people who said they were pushed so hard they faked it just to get left alone.

2.  If you don't know what you are saying, you do not have the gift of tongues.

Even when I fully believed in speaking in tongues and practiced it, it really bothered me that I never knew what I was saying.  I wasn't speaking any known language.  I was just making sounds, mostly repeating sounds.  I was told this was a baby-version of the heavenly language.  That just sounded like baloney to me even then.  It makes no sense to me that tongues needs interpretation as stated in the Bible (1 Cor. 14) yes, I myself knew not what I was saying!

3.  When you allow yourself to lose that control and open yourself up to receiving a spirit and speak in strange utterances you could lose your ability to discern that which is of the Lord from that which is diabolical.

This one was the clincher for me.  Perhaps my biggest struggle right now is not knowing whether I am walking my own path, or walking on God's path.  I am struggling with discernment to the point where I trust not myself very much at all and seek counsel.

Therefore, I sought the counsel of my husband on this matter, and when I explained what I heard in the lectures, giving the 3 points I did above, my husband was nodding his head by the time I finished.  He gave his piece on the matter and we decided that speaking in tongues was not going to be sought or practiced by us any longer.

We also decided that the push of the Assemblies of God church to get people to speak in tongues, especially children by well-meaning teachers, was not a positive thing and just too invasive.

I actually feel a weight lifted from me.

The Tongues Debate

Starting from around age 4 or 5 we started attending an Assembly of God church.  It is well known that the AG church is part of the Pentecostal movement that began on Azusa Street in the early 20th century.  The biggest stand-out of the movement is the Baptism of the Holy Spirit manifested in speaking in tongues.  Tongues, is typically manifested in a quasi-involuntary verbalization of an unknown language done for prayer or prophecy.  If the tongues are spoken out loud they need interpretation in order to be considered of the Lord and not of one's own will or of demonic influence.  Otherwise, tongues are spoken softly to oneself.  If you overhear someone speaking in tongues, you are not obligated to have an interpretation.

My personal history with tongues:

I grew up in the Benny Hinn era.  My siblings and I would watch him on TV just to watch people get "slain in the spirit," that is, they would often just pass out.  I don't recall ever seeing a miracle of healing except in the commercials.  Occasionally our AG church would host a vivacious evangelist with a big booming voice who would get upset if we didn't say amen enough who would have an alter call.  The front of the church would be filled with people praying, crying, singing, and speaking in tongues.  Once in a while someone would pass out after being "slain in the spirit."

I would overhear my mother speaking in tongues and listen intently to the sounds she made.  As a child I found it strange. I didn't want to speak in tongues.  I liked praying normally.  I didn't like the emotional upheaval, the loudness, the "controlled chaos" of the AG church.

When I turned 17 and had my own car I left the AG church I grew up in and started attending a different AG church.  It was smaller, quieter, more ordered.  I liked it.

The "gifts of the spirit" were very manifest in that church.  We regularly had tongues, prophecy, and interpretation.  Were they of the Lord?  I don't know.  Sincere, yes, I believe they were sincere, but I found it odd that the prophecies were so similar, and often admonitions.  I'd feel like, "Yeah, we ARE believing!  Why are you telling us to believe or trust or have faith?  We are doing that!"  But, I trusted my pastor and understood that I am just a sinner, faulty human.  And I certainly didn't have the Baptism of the Holy Spirit, so who was I to talk.

It got to a point that the church really began to emphasize speaking in tongues.  We began to have alter calls and admonitions and teachings. We'd spend quiet time in prayer (which wasn't really quiet because all around you could hear people whispering and speaking in tongues which I found crazy-distracting) asking for the Holy Spirit to come and Baptize those who weren't baptized yet. It never came to me.

The children's church started really praying and pushing for the Baptism of the Holy Spirit with the children.  It was a big deal if a child received and it would be announced to the church.  Looking back I am a little concerned that this was done by the church teachers and not the parents, although largely the parents were fine with it since they agreed it was needed.

Still, I never received.

But after decades of hearing how important it is, and having a friend really push me, I began to pray for it in earnest.  She sent me a CD to listen to on speaking in tongues by a popular AG preacher and teacher.  I listened to it and honestly felt I needed to receive.  That night I woke up at around 2 or 3 AM and started praying.  I found out later that my friend woke up at the same time and started praying for me.  I received!!  I texted her right away and we rejoiced that I was FINALLY baptized in the Holy Spirit.

I enjoyed a sort of honeymoon period of my new-found gift, but I never really felt comfortable with it.  Still, I prayed, and I did enjoy that when I didn't know how to pray or what to pray about, I could just pray in tongues and let the Holy Spirit do the praying for me.  It was pretty cool, too, to be able to tell people (especially those who don't believe in speaking in tongues) that I could pray in tongues.  It was sort of fun to shock those who thought it was demonic.  It can't be demonic because I am doing it!  And I love Jesus and have been a Christian my whole life!

Questions came up, though.  First of all, it bugged me that I didn't know what I was saying.  I thought that the Holy Spirit would at least give me an inclination as to what the context of the prayer was.  Nope.  I just spoke on without knowing a single thing.

When I would ask what tongues actually was I was given a couple of ideas:  1. It is the language of Heaven or 2.  It is the original language before Babal confused the languages.  These were just ideas, though.  Not concrete doctrine.  1 Cor 13:1 "If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels..."

If we are to have interpretation of tongues when prayed out loud, then why weren't we as individuals given an interpretation or understanding?

I asked my friend this question:  Why do I just keep repeating the same sounds or "words?"  My tongues didn't sound like her more fluid unknown language that actually sounded like she was saying something in a foreign tongue.  Mine just sounded like babbling.  She explained that because I was new to tongues I was like a baby learning a language.  Babies babble and use the same words over and over before they develop a better speech.  She said hers has evolved over the years.

I thought back to listening to my mother and I remember hearing a lot of repeated sounds.  Maybe we're just saying "Praise Jesus, thank you Jesus" over and over again?  I don't know.  The not knowing really bothered me to the point where if I was praying in tongues my mouth would be going, but my brain would be questioning.  And if I was divided like that, how could I be being Baptized in the Holy Spirit?  I was taught that it was a take-over of sorts.  Voluntary in that we allow the Holy Spirit to come in, but involuntary in that the Holy Spirit is supposed to be taking over our faculties, but not to a point where we can't voluntarily retract.

Currently, we are attending a Baptist church as a family, so of course, tongues is not allowed.  I think I quietly prayed in tongues once there.  While there is a Catholic Charismatic movement, I have not heard good things about it.  It seems more chaotic and divided than it is within the Pentecostal movement.  So, I don't pray in tongues much anymore.  If I do, it is during prayer out of habit.

Yesterday, I listened to Fr. Ripperger's message on tongues here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pc0UwaF6FJQ

The fact that I am allowing myself to be open to a spiritual overtaking of sorts AND not knowing what in the world I am actually saying while under such influence really started bothering me.  Sure, my heart and my direction and my motives are for the Holy Spirit, alone, but it still gives me pause.  Overall, I can honestly say I have never felt peace during or after or from speaking in tongues.  I usually feel disquieted and strange.  Even before yesterday I had my doubts, but of course, being raised Pentecostal I wasn't supposed to have doubts.  It showed my lack of faith, which was probably why I felt weird about speaking in tongues....I wasn't giving myself fully to the Holy Spirit.  I was letting the enemy creep in with doubts, etc...... hashtag faceplant-on-desk.

Today, I prayed out loud (in my native tongue) that I only want God's Truth.  I said that if speaking in tongues is for real, then I give the Holy Spirit permission to overtake me, even if I resist, and make me speak in tongues.  I need to know for sure.  Perhaps that was a dangerous prayer, but our religious leaders, pastors, etc are so divided on this issue and I have decades of teachings for it in a religion that is largely against it.

I did feel like I could start speaking in tongues out of habit.  I could start right now if I wanted to.  But I did NOT feel at all the Holy Spirit (or any spirit for that matter) taking over and compelling me to speak in tongues.

Honestly, I am still not convinced one way or the other.  I am still open to either way.  But I am ONLY open to the Truth.  May the Lord direct my path.