This is going to be R-rated and TMI. Just putting it out there. Skip this if you must.
I crossed my arms on this one. I crossed them firmly and declared the Church to be unrealistic, legalistic, and dooming us to failure. I reasoned that it was no different than rubbing a kink out of your neck. Touching your own body and experiencing a natural, physical response can't be sinful. It harms no one. It feels good to rub my sore feet after a long day. It brings me pleasure. What difference does it make if I shift that pleasurable feeling to a different part of my body?
Besides, no way was I going to tell a strange man (a priest) that I like to self-pleasure (and had no intention of stopping).
It was unfair. I tried to stop, before, but my body would respond with a cry for attention, usually at the most inopportune times, like trying to fall asleep. A quick, pleasurable bit of attention to the hormonal surge would relax me and I'd fall asleep. How was that sinful?
I could not wrap my head around Catholic teachings on this matter.
Therefore, I decided to start talking it out with Jesus in prayer.
In the prayer I (or the Holy Spirit's prompt) asked myself why I self-pleasure and why I want to continue.
My answer was that I feel desirable. It's been very important to me throughout my life to feel desirable and be desired in a way that completely takes care of me. That I hold value and worth where someone would want to give so freely to me. It then dawned on me (or was revealed to me by the Holy Spirit) that Christ desires me. I am desirable to Him! He loves me and wants me completely, and the pleasure and intimacy of sexual union (meant for within marriage between spouses) mirrors the even greater pleasure and intimacy of our relationship with Him through Worship.
The opposite of masturbation isn't no masturbation. It is worship.
I do believe I can learn to transfer that natural hormonal "call" to spiritual fulfillment. It's going to take serious discipline and practice, but I want to put it all in its proper place. A part of me still feels entitled to my own body, but I must remember that in being entitled, I am demanding the corrupt and rotting in place of the eternal and glorious. I must remember that as remarkably pleasurable as an orgasm is, nothing compares to the pure joy and spiritual ecstasy of loving and worshiping the One who desires us more than even our spouses (or ourselves) can desire us.
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