Another reason I haven't come fully into the Catholic Church is that I am (was?) scared of confession. I have never been to confession and the thought of laying out all my dirty laundry was frightening and distasteful. I don't want to remember all my sins. I've swept them under the "Jesus has already forgiven me" rug and they can stay there.
It's an excuse.
It's using an evangelical trope to feel justified in another crossing of my arms and digging in my heels.
The real reason I don't want to go to confession is that I like for people to see me as not so flawed. I mean, people know I sin because we all sin, but they don't need to know the details. I've enjoyed the high status of "good girl" my whole life! The very idea of telling a priest, especially a priest I wish to impress with my "good girlness," feels icky. He's going to see me for who I am! He's going to know I'm a blob of ick. He's going to see right through my facade!
The other day I was scrolling through facebook and I saw an open letter written by a priest in my local diocese. It was a humble and beautiful thank you note to the diocese and parishoners for the outpouring of love and support as he gets help for an addiction he has. It blew me away. Here was a priest with dirty laundry, serious dirty laundry that's being aired out for everyone to know about. He's confessed it and is seeking professional help and healing, and people are pouring out a flood, an absolute deluge of love, goodwill, cheer, celebration of his confession and ongoing recovery, and support.
I realized something. When you walk into and then out of the confessional in the Catholic Church, you are loved. It is a celebration.
Confessing sins in an evangelical church is dangerous business. There's outward talk of love and forgiveness, but I have seen the ugly underneath it all. People are right to hold onto the "I only need to confess to Jesus" trope because it is too unsafe in many cases to be truthful before your fellow congregants. Even pastors are not trained or catechized to handle confessions of sins.
Now, I am actually feeling eager to get to confession. I'm not sure when or how. We currently have 1 priest for 4 churches in my local area, so he is unfortunately extremely busy. I may ask if I can do my first confession with the priest of the next parish over. He is "only" covering 2 churches and may have more time to spare on a lengthy confession.
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