Sola Scriptura, Literal Translationalist, KJV Only oopsie

 John 14:2a In my Father's house there are many mansions.

This was a prime verse for memorization for us young evangelicals. I remember memorizing it, quoting it back to my teachers, and listening to lessons about how cool it is that Jesus is preparing us each our individual mansions in heaven!  Yes, we believed that Jesus was literally giving each and every one of us saved people our very own mansion in heaven.  

As a child I was perplexed by this, but didn't speak my questioning out loud because we HAD to believe the Bible literally (unless a pastor or authority declared it figurative, like the institution of the Eucharist as the literal body, blood, soul, and divinity of Christ).  First of all, I didn't want a huge mansion.  I sweet, little Cotswolds-style cottage with a garden would suffice for me.  Other kids who voiced not wanting a mansion were told that Jesus knew better than ourselves what we wanted, so we're getting a mansion.  I also wondered why we needed mansions in a place where we wouldn't have need for shelter from the rain and cold or a place to sleep or raise a family, etc.  

The other day I was listening to EWTN and the person on the radio quoted this Bible verse, but used the word rooms instead of mansions.  Suddenly, the verse made sense and I didn't feel perplexed and put off.  I also realized how the translation of mansions doesn't even make sense.  Why would a house have mansions inside?  A house has rooms.  It doesn't contain other houses.  

I am pleased to see other translations are using room.  I wonder why some decided that mansions would be their chosen word?

Unofficially Catholic?

One of my biggest struggles in looking into Catholicism is wanting to be right.  I don't know if it's just my personality, or the ingrained systemic belief system of the Evangelical church to be right and proclaim it (or perhaps a bit of both), but as soon as I could refute the lies I was told about Catholicism, I started arguing about Catholicism.  However, if I couldn't get them to at least stop and go, "hmmm" I got very emotionally distraught.  

Without the ability to even get my family to consider, to see, to think, to understand, even if they didn't wind up agreeing, I felt lost to coming Home to Rome.  It is very difficult to not have their blessing or understanding, but it is so much more difficult to have their heated dissent about it.

Therefore, during the Covid lockdown, I quit RCIA and stepped away from the Church completely for a time.  The Lord continued to work on me, though, and I realized some of these wrongful ways of thinking I had.  I really explored my initial walk back into Holy Mother Church, and my walk away.

Now, I'm walking back in very differently from when I walked out.  I'm being very quiet and very peaceful.  I noticed it just this morning.  I was scrolling through Facebook and saw a Catholic article about Our Lady.  In the comments I saw an Evangelical family member had typed: "Mary can't hear or answer our prayers."  Now, old me would have gotten very upset.  My heart would have started racing and I would have begun and argument with this family member.  I would have gotten very frustrated at my inability to change her mind.  I would have even felt twinges of doubt.  

Instead, I felt a sense of peace and faith.  I simply said a Hail, Mary, and kept scrolling.  That surprised even me and I rejoiced in the peace!  

Somehow, I feel like that makes me "unofficially Catholic."  (I am Catholic because I was baptized Catholic, but I'm not fully in the Church.)  So many Catholics I meet have approached reproach similarly.  They smile and stand firm and steadfast in their beliefs. Catholics are used to be attacked for their beliefs by Evangelicals, and they know it is most often futile to argue with people who have no intention of listening.  It is a beautiful thing to simply be at peace and move on.

Isaiah 1 and Catholicism

 This morning I read Isaiah 1 in a KJV Bible.  I particularly paid attention to the words of God revealed to Isaiah.  As I read the chapter, I thought about what was being revealed to me through both my evangelical and Catholic glasses.  

"I have nourished and brought up children, and they have rebelled against me.  The ox knoweth his owner, and the ass his master's crib:  but Israel doth not know, my people doth not consider."  vs 2 and 3

The Lord placed me in a Christian family and yet I don't quite know where or who He is.  From which crib do I find my nourishment?  How do I know the crib I approach is the crib that is filled by my Master?  

This has been my dilemma for several years, now.  I struggle with denominationalism and dogmatic disagreements.  Who is right?  Which church is the one true church, the church Christ established and wants all His people to be a part of?  

I contemplated God's words.  The ox knows his owner, the ass his master's crib.  

The master, the owner fills his own crib.  I know who God is.  I know who Jesus is.  I have that fundamental foundation, but, for some reason, I can't look up and find Him, then look down to see which crib He is filling.  I am confused there.  

So, I contemplated the crib.  Crib has two meanings:  a place to feed the animals and a place to lay a baby.  What is that?  A manger!  Therefore, at the crib of my Master I will find Jesus.  

Honestly, that doesn't really narrow it down in the protestant understanding.  They all claim to have Jesus.  The Catholic Church, though really does claim to have Jesus.  Not only that, the entire rubric of the Mass is Christ-focused in such a profound and complete way.  It's like all those stories, chapters, and verses of the Bible I learned and poured over in my protestant tradition has been put to practice and acted up on in the Catholic Church.

But, that reasoning didn't convince me.  

It was a further thought that came to mind.  The crib, the manger holds Jesus.  The ass knows his master's crib.  Jesus wasn't just held by the manger, though.  He didn't just lie there as a baby until he got up and started adolescence.  He was held by Mary and Joseph!  Mary and Joseph, are His crib, too!

What church knows the crib of their master?  The Catholic Church.  Through them we find our Master.  We, the lowly ass come to our crib (Mary) and find our bread (Jesus) that the Master poured out for us.  That's how I know which crib to go to.  

Protestants would say the crib is the church, and they aren't entirely wrong, but because that is something they all claim, I needed something more specific.  The analogy of Mary, the link to Mary is what really narrows it down.  

That isn't where it ended, though.  Verses 11-20 offered more insight and contemplation.  In protestant, particularly evangelical tradition, these verses are quoted to "prove" that the Catholic Church's practices are wrong and God doesn't like them.  But, as I read I didn't see where God doesn't like them in and of themselves, but rather God doesn't like them done unworthily or vainly.  

God says to, "Wash you, make you clean; put away the evil of your doings from before mine eyes; cease to do evil; learn to do well; seek judgement, relieve the oppressed, judge the fatherless, please for the widow."

As I read this, I thought of my evangelical upbringing.  This verse is often skipped and instead verse 18 is quoted.  We like the part that directly benefits us in the evangelical world.  What we ignore beforehand is the call to action, particularly washing, making clean, and SEEKING JUDGEMENT.  

To me, this isn't just saying "the sinner's prayer."  This is about repentance, confession, and reconciliation.  Seek judgement?  From whom?

Reading on, God says "and I will restore they judges as at the first, and they counselors as at the beginning;  Afterward tho shalt be called The City of Righteousness, the Faithful City."  

Who are our judges and our counselors?  From whom do we seek judgement?  Well, it makes sense that one seeks it from those appointed by God to judge and counsel.  Who does God appoint?  Well, Jesus appoints Simon Peter and the succession of apostles.  

Even if you don't come to a Catholic conclusion, you have to admit that more is expected of us as Christians than just saying a prayer and feeling good about it, then finding a church that suits you.  

Furthermore, going back to verse 20 it says "but if ye refuse and rebel, ye shall be devoured with the sword."  What does a sword do?  It pierces, it cuts, it splits, it divides, it hurts, it wounds, it kills.  I think of how much denominationalism has pierced, cut, split, divided, hurt, wounded, and even killed Christianity for many.  

 I have no doubt that the majority of people in Protestantism practice in love, honesty, and sincerity.  They want to obey and serve the Lord.   But that doesn't mean that the great divide hasn't done harm, because it has.  

If Catholicism itself doesn't bring me into the Catholic Church, the great divide of the Protestant church will by default.  The Catholic Church stands alone as a pillar of faith, whereas the Protestant church stands a great multitude squabbling, creating chaos, and making noise; each one is saying they are the true church, the right church, the one that interprets the Bible correctly, etc.

Like Israel rebelling against the judges, trying to go their own way, in their own directions, pleasures, and interpretations, saying what has been laid out for them by God wasn't how it ought to be, the Protestant Church has been cut up.  

Hyper-Eroticism and Purity Culture

  

Berthold Woltze (1829–1896), Der lästige Kavalier (The Annoying Bloke) (1874), oil on canvas, 75 x 57 cm, Private collection. Wikimedia Commons.

Purity culture and evangelical modesty policing are the symptom and cause of hyper-eroticism.  One either comes into this cult-like thinking because they are hyper-sexual and want to live in an environment to control it without recognizing its abnormality, or this culture creates hyper-awareness of sexuality in benign sources, creating hyper-eroticism.

Hyper-eroticism is when someone is easily aroused by stimuli that isn't generally or typically meant to be arousing.

Examples abound with in the culture.  Just this past week on Twitter, Pastor Brian Sauve wrote about how women shouldn't post pictures of themselves post-birth holding their newborn because it is erotic.  That's not normal!  That's a prime example of hyper-eroticism.  A mother holding a newborn baby isn't eroticism, isn't sexual, and she and baby certainly are NOT inviting you into their sexuality, nor consenting to be sexualized!

Though I don't remember the source (might have been Pearls, it has been brought to my attention that it was probably in Created to Be His Helpmeet) I remember reading a story within fundamentalist purity culture when a new mom (seems to typically be moms of babies or under-aged girls they go after) was back in church with her baby, her post-partum baby weight, and her skirt now fitting more tightly around her hips and backside.  The story goes that this new mom was sitting in a pew ahead of this narrating parents and their teen son.  They noticed the son was fixated on new mom's body, and when new mom bent over to pick up her child and the fabric of her skirt pulled more tightly over her body, the teen boy had an ejaculation in his pants.  Of course, the story goes that the new mom, and moms the world over, are sinful and at fault for causing boys to orgasm in church.  THIS IS NOT NORMAL!  This is a boy who has grown up in a hyper-erotic culture, a boy trained to view even the most benign things as sexual.  He has been trained to see sex everywhere rather than seeing people and life and normalcy and science.  I have a teenage son!  This nonsense doesn't even cross his mind!  

When I was found breastfeeding in church not just covered but shrouded in a blanket from chin to toes, I was hyper-sexualized and admonished simply because men knowing that I'm "doing THAT under there" was enough to cause them to have sexual thoughts.  That's not normal!!!  That's hyper-eroticism.

Stories abound online and all over social media, and are revealed in examples and admonitions given by the very proponents of purity culture and evangelical modesty policing.  Even infant girls are policed on modesty!  Girls entering puberty are particularly targeted.  Even modesty is hyper-sexualized with women sharing stories of being sexually harassed for wearing headcoverings in church and dressing in modest dresses.  Then, there's the whole "modest is hottest" trope.  

In my own experiences in purity culture, I became aware that what was no big deal with others not brought up in this sex-cult-like line of thinking was a huge deal to me!  For example, I noticed if I was watching a movie with my husband and a quick nude or sex scene occurred, I would hyper-focus on that, remember it, dwell on it, and it would ruin the movie.  My husband, on the other hand, wouldn't even remember it.  He might say a couple years later, "hey, let's watch this movie, again!" and I'd say, "no!  It's got that sex scene in it!"  He'd look surprised and say, "It does?  I don't remember!  The movie is about..." and he'd go on the describe the whole movie whereas I could only describe the sex scene.  

Is it any wonder porn use and porn addiction is rampant in this culture?  When everything is pornographic to them, and when they can't view women as people and bodies as human bodies, they're going to have major problems.  It "amps up" their responses to the stimuli similar to how a sexual deviant needs more sick, twisted, graphic, and abusive material to "get off."  

Men, in particular, who buy into this cult-like mentality will often say or feel that they are facing a constant bombardment of sexual assault.  However, the opposite is true.  They are constantly sexually assaulting innocent victims with their hyper-eroticism, which sexualizes others, without their consent, over their non-sexual, non-erotic being.  A mother sharing that beautiful moment when her newborn in placed on her chest is NOT BEING SEXUAL.  To even suggest that it is is to sexually assault her and the baby.  She's not inviting you to her and her baby's sexuality.  You have no business even inferring that what she is sharing is sexual. 

Listen, we can easily tell when someone is being sexual.  For example, the nudity in Amistad is obviously not meant to be sexual.  The actors' being nude portrays the horrific and dehumanizing reality of the slave trade.  It isn't meant for you to sexually consume their body parts.  However, I think we can all agree that the sex and nudity in, say 50 Shades of Gray was certainly an invitation for people to enjoy it sexually, get aroused, etc. 

This purity culture hyper-eroticism is a form of unhealthy sexuality.  It needs therapy.  It needs healing.  Get help!!

I Was Scared of Confession

 Another reason I haven't come fully into the Catholic Church is that I am (was?) scared of confession.  I have never been to confession and the thought of laying out all my dirty laundry was frightening and distasteful.  I don't want to remember all my sins.  I've swept them under the "Jesus has already forgiven me" rug and they can stay there.  

It's an excuse.

It's using an evangelical trope to feel justified in another crossing of my arms and digging in my heels.

The real reason I don't want to go to confession is that I like for people to see me as not so flawed.  I mean, people know I sin because we all sin, but they don't need to know the details.  I've enjoyed the high status of "good girl" my whole life!  The very idea of telling a priest, especially a priest I wish to impress with my "good girlness," feels icky.  He's going to see me for who I am!  He's going to know I'm a blob of ick.  He's going to see right through my facade!  

The other day I was scrolling through facebook and I saw an open letter written by a priest in my local diocese.  It was a humble and beautiful thank you note to the diocese and parishoners for the outpouring of love and support as he gets help for an addiction he has.  It blew me away.  Here was a priest with dirty laundry, serious dirty laundry that's being aired out for everyone to know about.  He's confessed it and is seeking professional help and healing, and people are pouring out a flood, an absolute deluge of love, goodwill, cheer, celebration of his confession and ongoing recovery, and support.  

I realized something.  When you walk into and then out of the confessional in the Catholic Church, you are loved.  It is a celebration.

Confessing sins in an evangelical church is dangerous business.  There's outward talk of love and forgiveness, but I have seen the ugly underneath it all.  People are right to hold onto the "I only need to confess to Jesus" trope because it is too unsafe in many cases to be truthful before your fellow congregants.  Even pastors are not trained or catechized to handle confessions of sins.  

Now, I am actually feeling eager to get to confession.  I'm not sure when or how.  We currently have 1 priest for 4 churches in my local area, so he is unfortunately extremely busy.  I may ask if I can do my first confession with the priest of the next parish over.  He is "only" covering 2 churches and may have more time to spare on a lengthy confession.

A Very Embarrassing and TMI Reason I Haven't Become Catholic, Yet

 This is going to be R-rated and TMI.  Just putting it out there.  Skip this if you must.  

I crossed my arms on this one.  I crossed them firmly and declared the Church to be unrealistic, legalistic, and dooming us to failure.  I reasoned that it was no different than rubbing a kink out of your neck.  Touching your own body and experiencing a natural, physical response can't be sinful.  It harms no one.  It feels good to rub my sore feet after a long day.  It brings me pleasure.  What difference does it make if I shift that pleasurable feeling to a different part of my body?  

Besides, no way was I going to tell a strange man (a priest) that I like to self-pleasure (and had no intention of stopping).  

It was unfair.  I tried to stop, before, but my body would respond with a cry for attention, usually at the most inopportune times, like trying to fall asleep.  A quick, pleasurable bit of attention to the hormonal surge would relax me and I'd fall asleep.  How was that sinful?

I could not wrap my head around Catholic teachings on this matter.  

Therefore, I decided to start talking it out with Jesus in prayer.  

In the prayer I (or the Holy Spirit's prompt) asked myself why I self-pleasure and why I want to continue.

My answer was that I feel desirable.  It's been very important to me throughout my life to feel desirable and be desired in a way that completely takes care of me.  That I hold value and worth where someone would want to give so freely to me.  It then dawned on me (or was revealed to me by the Holy Spirit) that Christ desires me.  I am desirable to Him!  He loves me and wants me completely, and the pleasure and intimacy of sexual union (meant for within marriage between spouses)  mirrors the even greater pleasure and intimacy of our relationship with Him through Worship.  

The opposite of masturbation isn't no masturbation.  It is worship.  

I do believe I can learn to transfer that natural hormonal "call" to spiritual fulfillment.  It's going to take serious discipline and practice, but I want to put it all in its proper place.  A part of me still feels entitled to my own body, but I must remember that in being entitled, I am demanding the corrupt and rotting in place of the eternal and glorious.  I must remember that as remarkably pleasurable as an orgasm is, nothing compares to the pure joy and spiritual ecstasy of loving and worshiping the One who desires us more than even our spouses (or ourselves) can desire us.

Guardian Angels

Growing up, guardian angels just seemed like a childhood fairy tale.  It was a cute story to bring comfort, and a bit of discipline, to young children.  In my household, angels weren't really spoken of too much, especially not personal guardian angels.  We believed in angels and that angels could be sent by God to intervene in our lives, but it was still met with a level of skepticism.

Coming out of this difficult period where I'd pretty much given up on all but very basic Christian identity, I felt very empty and confused.  Pretty much all I had left was the Apostle's Creed, and even that was just recited with a feeling of emptiness.  It was all I had left to hold on to of my Christian faith.  

Once the Christmas music had rewarmed my heart of hearts, I decided I need to get back to basics and relearn my faith.  I had the Creed.  What explains the Creed well?  The Baltimore Catechism!  I pulled it off my shelf and started to read.  

Chapter 4 starts with St. Matthew 18:10 ".....their angels in heaven....."  Wait.  What?  I grabbed my Protestant Bible and looked up the verse.  Surely this was just a weird Catholic translation to support their cute guardian angel theology.   Nope.  There it was plain as day.  Jesus was talking about the children and their angels; their personal angels who behold the face of God.  

When I was pursuing Catholicism the first time, I didn't really believe in Guardian Angels.  This was the first time I was really hit in the face with the fact that we do, indeed have Guardian Angels.  So, I grabbed the Catechism of the Catholic Church and read section 336 on Guardian Angels.  Then, I opened up the index in my KJV Bible and explored verses on angels.  I found this gem:  1 Peter 1:12, where angels are concerned about us humans.  

I can't escape it.  There it is in black and white not only in the Catholic Church, but in my Protestant Bibles.  

This is sometime I really appreciate about Catholicism.  The spiritual realm is available to us, to a degree.  Evangelicalism is very earth-bound.  We have Jesus, and for Charismatics, the Holy Spirit.  And while I completely believe in the Holy Spirit and his indwelling in us, I believe that many evangelicals rely on feelings and emotions as their "holy spirit" rather than the true Holy Spirit.  Catholics believe He is ever-present in us, whereas Evangelical Charismatics seem to believe that we have coax the Holy Spirit, conjure Him up, so to speak.  

(As an aside, I remember singing songs in my Assembly of God church asking the Holy Spirit to come, welcoming Him into the church.  It suddenly dawned on me that we are the ones walking into His house.  Church isn't our house that we invite the Holy Spirit into.  Why do we sing songs like that?)

Evangelicals tend to shun anything that "gets in the way of Jesus."  But, Catholicism welcomes all the gifts that Jesus has to give us:  the angels, the saints, Mary!  

When I close my eyes and picture my evangelical walk with Jesus, I see darkness and within the darkness I see the light of Jesus, but that light is concentrated just on Jesus.  It illuminates little to nothing else.  When I close my eyes and think of Catholicism, it is all light, central on Jesus, but revealing all His glory and all who give Him glory.  Perhaps not so ironically, that is why Catholic churches tend to be feasts for the eyes, but more and more evangelical churches are plunging their auditoriums (I hesitate to even call them sanctuaries) into darkness and utilizing special lighting techniques to pinpoint whomever is on stage.  

Now that I've gone off on a slight tangent, I conclude with happily believing I have a guardian angel! 

Time to get acquainted.

PS....I sometimes hear from evangelicals that "angels don't look like that," concerning the often Catholic use of beautiful human-like depictions of angels.  Of course they don't look like that.  The images offered us in the Bible are quite frightening and rather beyond our complete comprehension.  Angels are depicted in human-like form for our benefit (and the fact that they can appear in human-like form.  That is not beyond God to do for us).  

Feeling Drawn Back to Catholicism

 It was Christmas music.

I just felt like listening to some good old-fashioned Christmas music.  I found an old Firestone record from the 1960s that someone had placed on YouTube, popped my earbuds in, and while cleaning, I listened to this vintage mix of hymns and classic fun holiday songs.  To my surprise I found myself crying and yearning.  I knew, then, I was back on the Catholic path.

I gave up Catholicism earlier this year for a myriad of reasons.  But, as the months passed, I became very sullen and disquieted.  My prayer life fell away.  My Bibles sat mostly unopened, unread.  I explored liberalism and liberal thought, Christian feminism, Christo-paganism (if there is such a thing), and even got to points of agnosticism.  Sin came more easily and felt excusable. 

During this time my prayer was for God to not harden my heart and that I was still open to Truth.  Nevertheless, I still felt like my heart was hardening.  

Christmas hymns softened my heart.  The beauty and ministry of the lyrics spoke Truth.  The memories of the wonders and celebration of Christmastime, especially with my family when we were all in one accord celebrating the birth of our Savior, broke down those walls and the hardness that had formed.  I simply cannot live in a world without my God and my Savior.  I simply cannot function without the Holy Spirit.  I can't live an agnostic life.  It's too difficult, too empty, too sad, too bleak, too dark, too exhausting.

Christmas is going to be exciting this year!

Why I Walked Away from RCIA

 Last September I eagerly joined RCIA and jumped right into the coursework.  I started planning my Catholic name, picking out my confirmation dress, thinking out my first confession, and was ready to join the Catholic Church.  By January, I withdrew from RCIA and haven't been in a Catholic Church since.

Why? 

Even I ask myself that.  I was so sure last year that I was going to be Catholic.  I remember when I started this journey a few years ago I wanted to be sure by age 40.  It was going to be my 40th birthday present to myself.  And even so, I still defend the Catholic faith!  So, why did I walk away?

Perhaps the biggest reason is that there are still some key dogmas that I haven't gotten to a point where I can agree with them and commit myself to them.  In some ways, if I were single, I could just go ahead an accept them in faith, anyway, but some of them would be hard to commit to with such a different family dynamic and culture.

If I could be Catholic and not have to actually vow to all of the dogmas 100%, then I could join.  In most protestant churches you can still be a member and not agree with all the dogmas, so long as you at least believe the Gospel message and agree to respect what the church believes and not make waves or argue.

Even as I wrestled with the above, I was trying to slog ahead with the plans to join the Church, but I realized my motive wasn't a good one, and one I had escaped from evangelicalism!  I had Catholics invested in me.  They were excited and eager for me to join the Church.  They had spent their own money gifting me with Catholic things for my journey.  I felt pressure and obligation to join for them.  I realized I couldn't make vows before God to make other people happy or fulfill others' expectations or hopes.  This is between God and me.

The division within my immediate family was difficult to navigate.  I got plenty of words of encouragement that this would be my cross to bear and I got lots of testimonies from others saying that if I join my family is sure to follow....eventually.  These rubbed me the wrong way.  This is the same "prophetic" nonsense I got in the evangelical world.  I followed those paths for years, decades, only to not see the fruit promised, but, instead, wasted years of rot where growth could have occurred if I only listened to my instincts rather than follow everyone else's hoped-for prophecies.  I got those Bible beatings about my voice being deceitful, but I had never once considered until a few years ago that deceit can come cloaked in holy words from others, too, and that the Holy Spirit lives and dwells in me and I can heed Him and discern Him, myself.  

While my husband is supportive, the lack of unity in my family was my greatest sorrow.  As we discuss our beliefs and the paths we've navigated, I've discovered that our married spirituality has been a dictatorship of my own making.  I have to fall back and acknowledge my husband and his walk with God.  We need to discuss this and see where God takes us as a family.  We need time to navigate the spirituality of our family, what is important to each of us and to our unit.  

There was no way I could fully and forever commit to Catholicism while leaving so much broken and undone and unresolved in my family.  I am sad that they've come to see Christianity as mom's dominion and control, and naturally they've bucked against it.  We need unity of some sort.

The big problem, though is that we can't seem to find a church, otherwise!  

We both like more traditional churches, but many of the traditional ones are steeped in legalism or politics.

I blatantly refuse to attend a church that has those horrid purple and blue lights, casual rock-n-roll worship music, and rely heavily on emotion.

So many of the more mainstream classic protestant churches have deeply liberalized and compromised.  Remnant ones are mostly run by elderly women who rule the roost.  

Others lack families and children-peers.  Others are full of broken women from broken marriages and homes and lack strong male peers for my husband.  

We also don't want to travel outside of our community.  We were attending a church outside of our community, and we liked it, but, after years of being there, we just couldn't seem to plug in.  It was very local community-based, which is great, but we weren't a part of that community.  Our schedules didn't align.  

I also prefer a church with organization and leadership, checks and balances.  In my opinion, it is unsafe to join the churches created by a person or a non-denomination.  Theologies and dogmas must be established and canonized, not re-interpreted over and over again by whomever decides to see it differently and preach on it.

Community is important to me.  I don't want my children part of a fringe church that separates them from their community peers.  I grew up being the weirdo in school.  Kids thought I was part of a cult!  I think of how I could have been better connected with friends, seeing them in church and in school and establishing closer relationships, rather than feeling separated.  My kids are already largely friendless because we haven't been able to establish community easily.  

I get encouragement from local Catholics, but I've been attending Mass for 2 or 3 years now and have yet to establish any connection with other youths.  Right now the only offering is Faith Formation, which preps kids for confirmation, but my kids don't want that.  The youth group is defunct.  There are 3 other youth groups in other denominations, but 1 is my old denomination and I do NOT want my kids back in that.  The 2nd is a non-denomination, which gives me pause.  It's too modernistic and unchecked.  The third is Baptist, but I fear the church is too political.  They've had running politicians come in as guest speakers on Sundays during their campaigns.  The whole church is very much about Trump, which is fine for personal politics, but when it gets affirmed in worship it isn't good.  

What's left?  I admit, we feel lost and lonely.  Covid has only made this so much more confusing.  Winter has added even more the burden.  Losing two vehicles has heaped even more difficulties into the matter as the kids and I are stuck at home all the time, now.  

But, I also don't feel like it is my fault or even my burden to bear.  I'm in the midst of the fall-out of what happens when individualism and opinion takes over Christendom.  The constant splitting and rehashing of the Word of God along with marketing churches to try to draw in the apathetic has created a huge mess in America.  Our families didn't survive the scandals and poor catechism of the 60's - 80's, otherwise we would be Catholics.  We are victims of post-modern, post-Christian, constant division, Americanism, revisionism, progressivism, and confusion that has been heaped on the church culture for decades, even centuries.  You can't blame christians for feeling lost when you constantly set up ever-changing mazes for them to navigate.  The path to Christ is singular.  Lord help us. 

Going Crazy

 I'm beginning to think I need more time before committing to the Church.  More toxic evangelical stuff has come to the surface that I need to work out.  I also hate hate hate the disunity in my family.  We were all a family who went to church together almost every Sunday!  We were that family!  Now, we're not and I hate it.  Is it really better to enter Catholicism alone?  Really?  I just don't see that.  All the Catholics I talk to smilingly assure me my family will follow and give examples, but one thing I've learned in my Christian walk is that typical promises aren't always typical.  Following such advice in the evangelical world led us down some nasty paths.  The last time we blindly obeyed we almost lost our house!

Right now, at best, I'd be a cafeteria Catholic.  I love the Church, and I enjoy going there, but to ascribe to everything they say I have to commit to, I'm not sure I can do that right now.  If I was single, I probably could.  Agree or disagree, I could at least just accept the dogma, but I am not single.  I have others to consider who do not share my Catholic path, and certain things clash.  Am I really meant to tear my family down and apart in disagreement over dogmas I'm not even 100% sure I agree with? 

I mean, ideally, they're beautiful dogmas and I would agree with them.  But, in the real world, I can't right now.  The Church just smiles and says to be a Saint and a martyr to them.  Frankly, I'm sick of being at odds with everyone, even myself.

And I don't know which direction to go in.

I skipped Mass today in favor of going out and doing something with my family, and I felt relieved.  We're all so happy!  Then, I hear, "God wants you holy, not happy."  Well, shit.  I've been "holy" my whole life only to always be unhappy and at odds with everything.  I see other people, Catholics, Evangelicals, living great, happy lives, with friends, careers, families, upgraded homes, vacations, charitable donations, volunteering.  And I've barely been able to get through a day well because I'm always at odds.  I can't seem to plug in. 

The lack of support, the loneliness, the no one to talk to is killing me.  If I talk to an evangelical, they'll tell me God's saying to leave Catholicism.  If I talk to a Catholic they'll tell me it's my cross to bear.  If I talk to a secularist, they'll tell me my faith is whatever I make it out to be.

I'm just so mad, so fed up, so frustrated, and all I want to do is live my little life loving my family and working on my character.

I'm sick to death of everybody else's expectations put upon me.  And I'm sick of no matter what decisions I make I face massive stone walls.  

The lack of family unity is killing me.  I hate it so so much.  Some would say I'm making my family an idol.  But, am I really?  Or is this a valid concern?  Because I think it is.  Maybe I'm making my own spiritual preferences and the expectations of firm dogma an idol over my role and service to my family.  

Oh, I'm so unhappy.  I can't even read the Bible because all I hear is everyone else's voices from the pulpits and podcasts.  All the noise!!!   All the opinions.  All the interpretations.

Before the Church there was the Jewish faith.  Before the Jewish faith, there was the Abrahamic faith.  Before that, was just a belief in God.  I almost feel like we have monkeyed it up so much with human interference that some of us have to start over.

Where's HOME?  Where's home for my whole family?  Where's home in Christ Jesus for my whole family?

Maybe it's still in the Catholic Church, but maybe not in the parish church I've been attending.  Maybe it's in something more natural outside of organized religion.  I just don't know.  I really just don't know right now.  I don't want to force us into a church that just leaves us feeling awful and ill-fitting.  And I don't want to succumb us to something opinionated, political, or culty.  I don't want modernism, torn jeans, blue-purple lights, a rock concert and TedTalk.  I want true church and church community.

We talk about how much we love our neighborhood.  We talk about how much our business has grown and our wonderful customer base.  But, a part of me wishes we could move away and leave it all behind and find a place that we can really plug into with a solid, healthy church community.  

I am burned out.  And I hate it because I love Jesus and I want Him, but why do I struggle so?  

In a month or two something might shake my faith and suddenly I'm all 100% into Catholicism again.  Then, I burn out.  

As I get closer to my confirmation date, I find myself withdrawing more and more, though.  Something's gotta give.  Something's gotta get figured out.

I asked hubby some questions, but I didn't get the answers I was looking for.  I don't care what way he answers.  What I mean is that I didn't ask the right questions.  And he's frustrated with my questions.  He won't open up the way I need to, or I'm not hearing him the way he needs me to.  It's just as frustrating.  

So burned out.

I'm sick of it all.  

My Latest Catholic Dream

 Every once in a while I have a Catholic dream.  Sometimes they are just sweet little dreams.  Sometimes they are impactful.  This morning the dream was very impactful.

The beginning of my dream is very hazy and all but forgotten.  I think I was dealing with family members opposed to my Catholicism.  

I found myself at a Catholic Mass, though I can't remember if I went there to seek refuge from arguing with my family, or if I was thrust there by some unknown force.  But, I was there and it was packed shoulder to shoulder with people and people out the door, standing room only. 

When I got there it was towards the end of receiving the Eucharist, so I was at the back of the line walking towards the Eucharist while others who had already received were heading back in the opposite direction.  There were people of all kinds there, but I noticed the nuns.  So many nuns!

There was music, singing of sorts, though not quite typical human singing.  Just beauty.  

I knew I couldn't receive the Eucharist, but I figured I'd go up for a blessing.

In front of me was a young woman with a toddler daughter who was a bit wiggly.  Sometimes, instead of a daughter, she had two puppies, and at one point she had a goat.  I helped her handle the wiggly bunch, whatever they were.

Ahead of us, I could see the priest ending communion and the remainder of the line was being ushered past the alter and through the back of the church.  I heard somewhere that we had to go to confession.  I was a little concerned because I was not yet prepared for confession through RCIA, but I figured I'd either be told it was time to confess, or I'd just have a moment to speak with the priest.

The queue was led through the back of the church where things were stored and then through a school hallway.  All the while, this lady and I juggled the unruly bunch, whether child, puppies, or goat.  We weren't upset about it.  Just dealing with it as it was.

Finally, we turned into a beautiful annex with grand windows that overlooked a beautiful cliff and view.  We had reached my priest's office (I have never seen my priest's office, but I can tell you it doesn't overlook a cliff with beautiful views through magnificent windows).  My priest was sitting at his desk receiving us one by one.  

The lady went in ahead of me, and at this point, she had two puppies.  One went with her while I scrambled with the second wiggly pup.  The pup got away from me and as I went to retrieve it near the doorway of the office, I was met by the woman exiting, talking and making excuses while my priest told her something along the lines of needing to repent or she couldn't come back (couldn't receive the Eucharist).  In my knowing, I understood that she was living in sin with a boyfriend and had other unknown mortal sins.

The firmness of my priest with the woman had me a little frightened, though.  What did he have in store for me?  I entered his beautiful office and started to make introduction so he knew I wasn't prepared for confession, but was willing, though, at that point, I couldn't think of even a starting point!  

I remember turning to look at my priest, sitting in his office chair, leaning back, with his hands folded across the front of his cassock.

The dream just stopped.  Full, sudden stop.  In a moment it was ended, black, silent, unmoving.  And the next moment I heard a whisper in my ear, clear as anything, my priest's voice (he has a unique and recognizable voice).  He whispered, "Peace to you."  

It was so realistic and clear that I shot awake immediately.  I pondered what had just happened and wondered if at that moment he was praying for me.  It was nearly 4:30 AM and I figured that's not an unusual hour for a dedicated priest to possibly be awake. 

I can't seem to make much of the dream, itself.  What was the significance of the packed Mass?  The nuns?  The woman in front of me with her wiggly bunch of changing companions?  That same woman being sent out to repent of her mortal sins?  The audible, realistic whisper.....

My ideology made me lonely

Growing up, it was pounded into us that we Christians (especially we Evangelical Pentecostal Christians) are a "peculiar people" and that we are "from the world but not of it." It was right and good that we didn't fit into our schools, our workplaces, our cultures, neighborhoods, etc. But, instead of it being taught in a healthy way, I became very scared of others and judgemental.

I prayed for a kindred spirit and found none.

I found almost everything offensive and took offense, because if we didn't clutch our pearls God would be upset that we didn't take a stand against sin and that would go towards our final judgement.

I could be friendly, but I couldn't get close to others because I couldn't find anyone that fit my standards. On the other hand, I wasn't "conservative enough" for other women I looked up to.

That style of Christianity only really works in a community, like the Mennonites and Amish, where you can live in an entire culture and have all you need socially, politically, economically, and theologically. I didn't have that community, that culture.

About 15-18 years ago that culture was trying to grow, mostly online. But, it fell to pieces quickly. The men, so many of them, were abusers and molesters. The women, trying to live up to their starry-eyed conservative ideals, became quickly burned out and sick. You simply cannot homestead, homeschool, home church, homemake, and homemade everything while popping out baby after baby for a husband who can't afford it. The only successful ones were the ones making their money off of the rest of the cult-followers trying to imitate their leaders.

Besides, I was too busy and too poor to befriend anyone. I had to be home with the kids and do everything from scratch because we didn't have the money for even extra gas to drive for a visit, or to buy lunch or a coffee with/for a friend.

I learned I can disagree without clutching pearls. God didn't call me to be right, but to be loving. He didn't call me to save souls. He called me to be a witness.

My ideology made me a charity

As I hash this newfound revelation out I assume it was a mix-up trifecta:

1. I grew up relatively poor and through that experience adopted a mindset that psycologists and sociologist would say is part of the cycle of poverty.

2. I grew up religious with a more conservative and traditional mindset, later adopting very traditional gender roles and the very conservative single-income, little to no higher education for women, certainly no career prospects, and homeschooling.

3. Because of the two situations, and as is popular in evangelical and even now secular America, I formed a moral basis and justification around my life situation that not only made me a martyr to it, but gave me the idea, the fear that God would either reward or punish me for how worldly I was or wasn't. I fully expected that God would bless us financially if I only behaved frugally enough.

I had read so many testimonies of conservative Christian women who "obeyed the calling of God for women" and faithfully stayed home, lived frugally, even in relative poverty for a while, homeschooled their kids, ate garbage and wore old clothes or homemade dresses, never saw a salon or hairdresser, etc, and God blessed them with a big fixed-up house and huge van or small bus for their families. I wasn't asking for a mansion and luxuries galore. I just didn't want to our debt to keep growing as emergencies kept befalling us. I didn't want to live in a house that was literally falling apart around us. I didn't want to be worried sick every time we got into a vehicle wondering if it was going to break down again and cost us so very much to tow and fix.

We just couldn't seem to get ahead, but the worst was I realized that our "faithful religious lifestyle" was keeping us a charity case. We couldn't help out others and were constantly in need of help.

Unfortunately, people got tired of helping us. It was all well and good when we had newborns and even if I was a career woman I would have been on maternity leave. People were compassionate then. But, once the kids were school-aged, patience ran out and help came in another form: "I'll give you a job."

Oh, those old Bible verses and conservative Christian viewpoints come roaring back. I feel like I'm abandoning my children, being materialistic, sinning.

But, I see other women, beautifual, wonderful women who work full time and are mothers. Their children are well-behaved, well-educated, well-rounded individuals who love their mothers and have a close-knit family life. I can't deny the reality I see even though the picture the conservative Christian position painted was that the boys were troubled, the girls sluts, the parents divorced, and the family going to burn in hell for not obeying traditional gender roles (ie. 1950's rose-colored Donna Reed ideologies).

Of course I still love traditional gender roles, and I do see a lot of benefit and still prefer that mother stays home. However, I cannot deny not only the realities of other healthy families and even history (women did work throughout history).

And I refuse to continue being a charity case and never being able to contribute charitably in order to hold on to an ideology that wasn't working and wasn't being blessed.

Joseph Most Chaste

One of the arguments evangelicals have against Mary's perpetual virginity is that they don't believe that Joseph was or could have been chaste. I remember hearing a sermon in the Assembly of God Church where the pastor said that there's no way Joseph could have endured a marriage to a beautiful young woman like Mary and not have sex with her.

That there is exactly the problem in the mindset of the evangelical church, and, in my opinion, a huge contribution to the oppression of women and the vast problems with sexuality within the evangelical church.

The leaders of the evangelical church are typically married men. They also have just as high a rate of pornography use as secular men. They also typically have terrible theology surrounding marriage and sexuality that has led to increasing compromisation of the marriage bed, marital rape, purity culture, and misogyny. Women are taught from a very young age to be the gatekeepers of relationships pre-marriage because "men can't help themselves." Therefore, Mary couldn't have remained a virgin because men can't help themselves. Joseph wouldn't have wanted or agreed to a celibate marriage because men can't help themselves.

What evangelicals completely ignore is that Mary and Joseph knew the greater thing. They were first-hand in the intimacy we have with Christ, the vision of Heaven (where we aren't given in marriage). I have heard evangelical men say they don't want to go to heaven if there's no sex. The evangelical world has made sex an idol so much so that it is beyond their comprehension to even fathom that Joseph was chaste and Mary pure.

Life was greater for them. They had purpose far beyond basic human reproduction. They had intimacy greater than sexual union. They had Jesus.

This is why so many evangelicals struggle sexually. This is why they turn blind eyes to sex before marriage. This is why wives are refusing sex in many evangelical marriages. This is why husbands are hooked on pornography and/or masturbation at alarming rates within the evangelical church. This is why some denominations allow for marital rape and brutally shame women for perceived immodesty in public and modesty in private. They refuse to believe that Joseph not only had self-control and chastity, but that He agreed to it and lovingly served within it. Willingly!

He is a model for husbands and fathers the world over. In a culture and even church culture that only teaches that men have sex drives that need satiating and refuses to teach men how to be chaste and have proper self control, you will find disregard for Mary and Joseph, and disregard for women in general.

We do a great dishonor to Joseph, Mary, and even Jesus to place our sex-sick cultural standards on the most holy people ever on earth.

Spiritual Abuse and Living in Fear

I love Jesus. I call myself a Christian and I take my Christianity seriously.

But, I haven't been reading the Bible because I don't feel I am at a place right now to read it.

"Oh, but you have to push through and read it anyway! It's a ploy of the devil to get you not to read the Bible."

And that's EXACTLY why I am not reading it right now, because it is steeped in fearmongering, and because verses and passages jump out at me like the punishing hand of an angry father.

That's how I know that I have endured spiritual abuse.

I live in fear. I flinch when I pray. My husband and I are discussing taking the giant leap of faith in doing a very much needed renovation on our house, but I am close to panic attacks thinking God's going to throw a wrench in it and ruin us, or at the very least allow Satan to mess it all up in a bid to strengthen our faith endurance. I worry that it's worldliness and sinful to take on such a project.

I endure guilt when I work, guilt when I stay home, guilt when I buy something new, guilt when I throw away moldy leftovers. In all these things I hear Bible verses. If something bad happens, it's either God allowing a faith-building trial or God punishing us for hidden sins. If I don't adhere to traditionalism or fundamentalism, I'm lukewarm and God'll spit me out. If I don't become a prepper God'll smite me in the End Times. If I pray too much I'm in "vain repetition." If I don't pray enough I'm not "praying without ceasing."

My faith path is littered with fears and what-ifs. What if I believe this wrongly, or that interpretation of scripture is all wrong and I end up hell bound? What if I am too scrupulous or strict and am alienating people? What if I'm not strict enough and being a stumbling block to others?

It's gotten to a point where I want to just step away from all of it. I don't want to listen to another opinion, another sermon or homily, another podcast, vlog, or read another article because they all just add to my confusion and anxiety.

Add in the socio-political insanity of today and I am downright mentally and spiritually exhausted.

I can see why some Christians have stepped away from organized religion, denominationalism, and politics. We just want to love Jesus and live in peace!

But, then we worry that in just wanting that we are ignoring the crises in the world and not doing our jobs.

I need a break. I need a guilt-free break from it all so I can come back better.

"I don't get anything out of Mass."

"I don't get anything out of Mass" is perhaps the worst excuse I hear, and I hear it often.

The reason you don't get anything about of Mass is because you don't want to. You don't put anything into it. You don't even try. You just sit there waiting to be spoon-fed a happy feeling or get zapped by some zeal that makes you feel good.

You go with an attitude. You go with doubt. You go with prejudice and even a sort of hatred towards the Mass and then wonder why everything goes in one ear and out the other.

If you knew. If you truly knew what the Mass was about, you'd get so very very much out of it. It would draw you in. It would call to you. It wouldn't be an obligation to go to Mass. It would be a gift and you'd desire it! You wouldn't be able to keep away and feel tremendous loss when you did keep away!

Oh, how much you miss, you willfully miss, because you bought the lie that church has to entertain you somehow.

It is the utmost of laziness to say you don't get anything out of the Mass as an excuse not to go and then do absolutely nothing to remedy it, and even stop anyone from attempting to help you.

At least be honest. You don't want anything out of Mass. You don't want it because deep in your spirit you know it to be true and you know that if you start "getting something out of Mass" you have to be responsible to it and grow. You don't want to do that because then it means taking a good hard look at yourself and seeing yourself for who you really are. You think that making changes and becoming more Godly will hurt you and make you take down that wall you built around yourself to protect yourself. If you become Catholic you have to stop your raging temper and foul language and all the other weapons in your armory that you use to protect yourself and make yourself feel strong so no one walks all over you.

You'd have to give up idle entertainments you use to mollify yourself and make you feel better about yourself.

Do you honestly think that God's ok with you just floating around in the world shirking your deeper duties and only having a vague belief in Him? Do you honestly think he's ok with you ignoring the roles He commands of you? So you tease and you joke that you're going to hell as if hell can't be any worse than your life right now. You are choosing to damn yourself and possibly your children.
Well, I have news for you. I've called upon Christ the King and His Joseph and Mary to needle you, to nag you. You play your junk music and idle videos loudly to drown out the sounds of faithfulness and goodness, but they are just earthly noise. Nothing can beat the Heavenly music. You shut yourself up and sleep long hours to avoid staring at the responsibilities before you that you don't want to face, but they will haunt your dreams. On Sunday mornings you will yearn and angst and feel itchy and make excuses to yourself, but you'll know your place is not just following me to Mass to leading all of us there. Soon, you'll throw on old jeans and boots and trudge along and plop yourself in the pew, telling yourself over and over again that you "don't get anything out of Mass." But soon, you'll be digging in the back of the closet looking for the suit that doesn't fit you. As you scold your daughter for not wearing a dress, you'll feel that sting in your own heart concerning your own dress, attendance, and participation.

I admit, I'm miffed, but determined and this is for your own good! The children will go where you lead. You know this, I know this, God knows this, and the devil knows this. You played the game in the protestant churches, partly for me, partly for yourself. And I appreciate any growth you got out of it. But, we both know what's Truth. Deep down we do. And it's time to stop fooling around and embrace it. It's time to stop dilly-dallying in the world, acting like a petulant, bored teenager trying to invent purpose and direction in life, and embrace what is REAL and TRUE and already our God-given calling.

Mary and Me

As I've written quite plainly, I was born and baptised Catholic, but was raised Assembly of God. It is no secret that Mary is almost a nobody in the Evangelical world, but even more so, Catholic devotion to Mary is taught as idol worship, even demonic!

When I began my journey Home to Rome, I knew Mary would be a big hurdle. My focus was more on Jesus and the Eucharist than it was on Mary. Catholics trying to be supportive assured me that any Marian devotion is non-obligatory other than celebrating required Feast Days.

Last month, in RCIA, my Faith Formation leader encouraged us to begin prayerfully considering our Confirmation Name. I had already mulled over several names in the past, but was surprised that I now drew blanks except for one name, Mary! No! I couldn't take the name name Mary! I'm hardly Marian material! I'm not a very good Catholic. I'm faulty, weak, sinful, and struggle so! I am not worthy of the name Mary!

But, there it is! Mary! Coupled with it is the strange, strong desire to consecrate myself to Mary. I think, "I can't do that! Imagine the scandal in my non and ex Catholic family!" I can be Catholic without much of any but the bare minimum focus on Mary. Yet again, there she is.

Yesterday, I went to Latin Mass for the Feast of the Immaculate Conception and there received my answer. As I watched my priest at the alter I wondered shyly what I would say to him concerning my name, Mary. It sounds so bold, so ostentatious! It's bad enough I'm one of the few women to veil at Mass, me not even able to take communion, but to then boldly take the name Mary?! Of all the saint names for ladies, I think I can take Mary! But, then I heard it. As I prayed at Mass at the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, I heard it. I'm not choosing the name, Mary. It has nothing to do with me or my choice of names. MARY IS GIVING HER NAME TO ME!

Mary, for whatever reason, is calling me. She is taking me under her mantle. Believe me, I would be content in my humanity and safer with my family if Mary stayed on the back burner. It's easier to choose another saint name. I already have the name of Tekakwitha, so it's no big deal. But, I feel it. I know it. Mary has given me her name and called me to her. Oh, I have a choice. She'll let me run, but I can't. I know that prompt, I know that feeling, I know that knowing and I know it would be wrong of me to ignore it.

I want to cry. I want to cry because I know how unworthy I am and how hard (and wonderful) this is going to be. I want to cry because I know people are going to think me immodest and holier-than-thou for daring to take the name Mary. I'll want to tell them, "I didn't choose the name Mary, she gave it to me! I can't help it!"

At Mass, I prayed and told Mary that I need a Catholic mother. My husband needs a Catholic mother. We lost ours when we were children. She needs to be that mother for us. She is that mother. I also need to be a Catholic mother and need her guidance because the last Catholic mother in my lineage died when I was in 5th grade.

I've had some marvelous encounters with Our Lady in my journey, and I'm sure many more will come. I think about my circumstances, my journey, and reflect on events, such as, why am I attending Mass at St. Mary's instead of the Catholic parish up the hill where the remaining Catholic members of my family attend? Why do I happen to live where there is a Marian shrine literally across the street from me?

The work of the Lord is amazing and I marvel that Christ, Himself has appointed His Mother to me.

Mary (N)ever Virgin?

Yesterday, on Called to Communion on EWTN, a caller asked where the origins of Mary having more children started. Dr. David Anders, in the short time he has to answer theological questions, stated that it originated during latter parts of the Reformation and really exploded in American Western Protestantism, especially Evangelicalism. He said it is also a by-product of an over-eroticism of marriage that occurred in Protestantism, and is perpetuated by the undertow within Protestantism that "if the Catholic Church teaches it, it must be untrue."

I want to focus on his second point.

One of the many reasons I left Evangelicalism behind is because of the heavily compromised and ever more worldly beliefs about human sexuality, and especially married sexuality. That is a very deep and disturbing box to unpack, and would involve language and understandings that, even put delicately, is embarrassing and difficult to express to a mixed, unknown public.

Part of this disturbing teaching, which isn't always overtly expressed in the pulpit, and, like many Evangelical heretical and damaging beliefs, is often preached against, while actually believed and practiced, is that (and yes, I heard this with my own ears) there's no way Joseph would have agreed to a celibate, abstinent marriage. In fact, he was OWED, yes OWED sex from his wife, Mary. Now, they believe he "held off sexual relations" until after her labor, delivery, and recovery, but as soon as she was purified under the Jewish ritual, it was honeymoon time! (They make it sound like it was a huge, holy sacrifice for Joseph to not have sex with Mary until after Jesus was born.) They honestly believe that not only was it impossible, but would have been WRONG for the Mother of our Living Savior to be married and stay a virgin because Joseph was owed sex by the very nature of his masculinity and libido. I actually heard this with my own ears, too: How could Joseph not have sex with this young, beautiful woman. He would have wanted to, and he did. It would have been torture to be married to this beautiful young woman and not have sex with her.

That is, indeed, Evangelical logic. Men, including St. Joseph, not only can't "help themselves" sexually, but are actually owed sex. No man, in his right mind, would agree to a sexless marriage.

Ironically, many Evangelical men complain that they are living in sexless marriages. Many Evangelical marriage books urge wives to "give their husbands sex" to fix all sorts of marriage, and yes, even his personal problems. Keep him sexually happy and you'll be less likely to deal with his immaturity, petulance, abuse, selfishness, laziness, indifference, adultery, the list goes on. Many advice articles encourage wives to service their husbands in sinful ways (spilling his seed) during times when she needs utmost care, such as difficult pregnancies and the post-partum recovery. These are prime times that Evangelical men turn to pornography and the preached antidote is for the wives to commit sexual acts that spill his seed outside of her body until that time she can receive him into her body again.

Evangelicals honestly cannot fathom that an able-bodied Joseph could have been holy enough to endure a chaste, celibate, abstinent marriage with Mary. That inability to believe and accept that Mary stayed Ever Virgin, and that Joseph was chaste, has tainted and destroyed healthy sexuality within Evangelical marriages.

Very few Evangelicals make it to their wedding day virgins.

Many Evangelicals believe that various sexual acts are not only allowable, but given by God, including sodomizing their wives. And wives who refuse these acts are sinning.

Many Evangelicals practice contraception and sterilization because it "enhances the marriage bed." Why? Because in the Evangelical mindset, the more sex that can be given to a husband without consequence (pregnancy) the better. Pregnancy, child-birth, and child rearing hinders that marital embrace. It reduces its frequency, and that is intolerable in the Evangelical mindset. They believe this in part because the men are too lazy to deal with their lust and lack of self-control. They put the onus on the wives to keep the male libido satisfied to help the men not to fall into temptations and sin.

Among Evangelicals are growing pockets of sexually perverse teachings that support polygamy, because a husband cannot be expected to go without sex too long. So, if wife 1 is recovering from childbirth, or has a headache, wife 2 is at the ready to fulfill his libido. There, too, is a growing acceptance towards certain pornographic material, and expecting wives to dress immodestly as he pleases, even in public, to fulfil his "God-given pleasure at seeing the female body." In tearing down Mary to mere every day girl who fulfilled Joseph's sexual needs, thinking of Mary sexually, Evangelical men have reduced all women to mere sexual beings. This is why a HUGE percentage of Evangelical men (especially pastors) have problems with pornography. It is now more widely accepted than ever that husbands may sodomize their wives in Evangelical marriages. Premarital sex is increasingly being seen as acceptable, because it is seen is an almost impossibility to maintain sexual self control. Sure, it's sinful, but God understands. He made us sexual, after all.

Virginity is also seen as an antiquated and quaint, but largely impossible state of being. On top of that, singleness has very little use. Men and women are expected to get married in evangelicalism. If you are single, there isn't much for you in evangelicalism. If you actually choose to be single, something is wrong with you. The idea that men and women can actually choose to be single AND celibate is beyond Evangelical comprehension. They are the first to ask Catholic priests, monks, and nuns how they can live without sex. In a conversation with an Evangelical marriage blogger, he insisted that celibate Catholic men are extremely rare and that almost all priests and monks at least masturbate regularly (but just don't tell anyone). Why? Because it is impossible in the mind of an Evangelical for someone to have sexual self-control. And that includes the mother and earthly father of our SAVIOR.

I couldn't abide by the growing sinfulness and utterly lost attitudes towards human and married sexuality in Evangelicalism. The disrespect towards women and loss of self respect and self control among the men grew more and more sickening to me. In getting over the hurdle of Mary being ever-virgin, I had to address the Evangelical teachings and mindsets in my own head.

Evangelicals won't believe in Mary's ever-virginity because it forces them to address their own wrongful ideas about human and married sexuality. It forces them to address their own lusts, selfishness, and lack of self-control. They are afraid it will humble them to true repentance which would mean giving up their frequent pleasures in favor of holiness.

My Encounters with Mary

Despite being baptized Catholic, I consider myself more of a convert than a revert since I spent the vast majority of my life as an evangelical. Perhaps the biggest hurdle for most converts to get over in Catholic theology is Mary, especially for those of us who were taught that Mary was just a simple, sinful young woman no different than any of the rest of us. The idea of Mary being who the Catholic Church says she is is very foreign. Accepting and even embracing Marian theology is frightening, too, because we are taught it is idolatry and we could be cast into hell for it (the branch of evangelicalism I was a part of did not believe in "once saved, always saved.")

I am no stranger to these thoughts and fears. When I prayed my first Rosary, I begged God to forgive me and show me if indeed I was sinning. I prayed to God to show me the Truth. I asked Mary that if she is as the Catholic Church says she is to reveal herself to me. These are the three times she did:

1. The first time occured early on in my Rosary prayer life. I was getting a lot of phone calls and phone interruptions during my working hours as I listened to podcasts or audiobooks while I worked. I decided to take some time to pray the rosary while I worked, but I had a condition, that if the Rosary is true and I am not sinning to pray it, then there would be NO interruptions on the my phone while I prayed (I was still learning the Rosary, so I prayed along to a youtube audio on my phone). I even chose a longer rosary audio. You can choose from audio anywhere from 15 minutes to half an hour long. Well, no interruption came that entire rosary. I remember my heart pounding as I neared the end the prayer, just waiting, almost willing for an interruption to come on my phone. None came.

Now, you may brush that off as coincidence. I pretty much did. I just packed it away for future reference, possible evidence in my case for or against Mary.

2. The second time happened due to a clogged toilet. I have a child who has great skill in clogging toilets. I had been at the plunger for 2 HOURS! I had tried various hacks to no avail. It was late at night and I was exhausted, but the blockage would not budge. For whatever reason I felt compelled to say a Hail Mary, and I did. Immediately, the clog unclogged!

Another coincidence? Perhaps. I messaged a Catholic friend and she rejoiced with me, assuring me that Mary is there and cares. Again, I filed this incident away.

3. This third occasion happened recently and was the most profound. I had been sick for weeks with an allergy-induced ear and tube infection as well as fatigue and brain fog so great I had a hard time concentrating on much of anything. It was really affecting my life as a wife, mother, and homeschool teacher. I was tired of it all one evening, and not even really praying officially, just sort of meditating on my sick of being sick. I "heard" quite clearly from Mary that if I prayed a Rosary in the morning, she would be there and heal me. I got excited. I mean, I got really excited! I told Mary that I would pray first thing and believed I would be healed. Indeed, I was healed when I woke up, even before I prayed the Rosary, but I truly felt her presence and prayed the Rosary as I promised I would. I haven't experienced that since. It was as if she was THERE, actually THERE with me that morning, as opposed to the general "presence" of the saints per God's grace.

I've felt Christ's presence in such a way many times before. I've experienced the Holy Spirit in profound ways, but never Mary before this. I don't think I could ever go back to thinking she isn't as the Catholic Church says she is. I can't explain away what I experienced any more than I can explain away how I know Christ is who He truly is.

I NEEDED to know that Mary is real. The anti-Mary indoctrination of my upbringing was that infused in me. I needed Mary, herself. And she came to me.

But, I Did Pray!

We were warned to pray, and to especially pray the Rosary.

Despite election results not being finalized, yet, I think a lot of Catholics are dismayed at the results so far. So many of us prayed: daily Rosaries, novenas, Adoration. We joined our evangelical brothers and sisters. We called upon our Patroness of America, the Immaculate Conception. Preserve us!!

I have heard from lay Catholics and pulpits alike that America fractured its founding and faithfulness because we became lazy in our faith, or left it behind all together. Indeed, I do believe this is true! For quite some time that error has been preached about and we've been called to prayer, especially to the Rosary once again. But, it leaves those faithful to praying wondering why their prayers aren't "working."

When are enough Rosaries enough to change the world? Am I praying enough? Is it because not enough Catholics are praying? Why am I wielding a sword of prayer, but not striking down any enemies? Why are answers not coming, or coming opposite of what I pray?

Even frustrated religious have admonished those who are praying that it isn't enough. It begins to fall into superstition and scrupulosity. This is something I ran away from in Evangelicalism, the idea that enough isn't enough.

When I was Assembly of God, we expected our effectual fervent prayers to accomplish much. We expected miracles and prophecies and changed hearts. While they refuted the health and wealth "gospel," enough of it seeped in that they did expect it. My family and I went through years of hardship and members of the church began the interrogation of whether or not the elusive "enough" to merit God's grace and favor (meaning, our chosen answer to our prayers) had been accomplished. To them, so long as we suffered, we were coming up short. We weren't praying enough. We weren't tithing enough. We weren't repentant of our sins enough. We didn't have enough faith. It was because my husband wasn't speaking in tongues, yet. Even a church deacon came up to my husband and I and said, "I don't understand why you're still going through this, because I'm praying."

I would cry out and agonize to God that I didn't know what else He wanted from me. It became a checklist where I'd check off every box only to have another appear. It was never enough. Then, we would face judgement and condemnation from the church in the method of them trying to figure out what those unchecked boxes were. I asked a local "on fire" evangelist and he basically said, "you're doing everything right (meaning: everything he told us to do during his crusade in our church). I don't know why God isn't answering your prayers."

This is why I am very wary of anyone in Catholicism harping on those who are praying that their prayers aren't enough because our desired results haven't come about.

What if our prayed-for Trump doesn't win? What if our prayed-for battle against abortion only sees abortion increase?

I had posted before that this is a wheat and chaff time in the Church. I stand by that statement. I also believe that the Bible says it will get worse in the world. It will get worse, but the Remnant of the Church will get stronger. The Holy Catholic Church was perhaps strongest during the eras of the most prosecution. I don't mean politically or economically the strongest. I mean faithfully the strongest.

As our nation and world become more polarized, so will our Church. We already see it with a sort of modernist church and the so-called "Rad Trads." We have a portion of Catholics who want to move forward in the flow of the changing world, even to the point of women "priests" (women can't be priests. They may wear the vestments and go through the motions, but they will not be valid in the eyes and power of God, thus any Masses done by them will be false, and any Eucharist will just be snack time.) We have a portion of the Church that wants to rebuild the strength and faith of the traditional Church. That chasm between the two will only widen.

That doesn't mean that our prayers aren't being answered. If the faith of the true Catholic Church increases, even if just among the few faithful, that is answered prayer. We've ridden the comfortable wave of an overall Christianized culture. Now, that comfort is being put to the test. Wheat (true Catholics who actually believe in the dogma) or chaff (cultural Catholics who do not believe in the dogma).

Keep on praying. Pray faithfully. But, also pray that your eyes will be opened to the answering of the prayers and the workings of the Lord where it isn't blatantly obvious. After all, the suffering and questioning of the beliefs of the Assembly of God Church helped put me on the path Home to Rome.